Hey Mum

Hey Mum, I never told you this before, but I hate you for getting ill. I know deep down it’s not your fault. But I felt like I lost you before I lost you.

I told myself you were dead before yo were gone. I thought it would be easier if you did die. I was 14, I needed you and all there was, was this disease consumed you. I know it is selfish to need you in a time you probably just needed your mum too.

I didn’t tell you this but I crave nurture and childhood. I feel as though all I have done is grow up and forgot how to be a child. It’s crippling when the one person who looks after you needs to be looked after.

And when dad took me into that room to see you- broken and bruised. I snapped, I couldn’t stand you for being so weak. How was I supposed to be strong when the strongest person I knew was ruined.

I didn’t believe you would get better, how could you recover from the serpent of death who goes by the name cancer? I didn’t understand, I just cried and hurt. I needed help but no one could see. Call me selfish, call me rude but really I was just in need of my mum.

I began to forget who you were. My mind warped your image in my mind- you weren’t my mum. You were a shell of a person. And the thing is, when you take away all the things you love you only see the bad. I vilified you, made you my enemy. You were everything I didn’t want to be.

I was blind though. I couldn’t see what was right there in-front of me.

I didn’t understand. Maybe I still don’t fully.

Mum you are kind, you are generous and I love you.

It is so easy to lose yourself in your own selfish feelings and forget the suffering of others. I did this, I forgot the struggles you face everyday and I blamed you. But it was not your fault.

You are so strong, I don’t know how you go on when someone like me could be so cruel. How did you forgive me.

I was so low, so very low, whether these are genes or just situations, you know how hard it is to keep going. And to look at you who has been through so much and still keep powering on makes me strong. You make me strong.

I admire you for what you have accomplished, I admire your forgiveness in me. How could you say everything would be ok when you could turn me away? I was cruel and vicious to you when you just wanted your daughter.

My mum is an amputee,

She is a breast cancer survivor,

A channel Swimmer,

An award winner,

She loved me when I was broken and she helped me piece myself back together, I’m sorry I couldn’t do the same for her. I’m sorry I hid away at boarding school.

I want you to know how much I love you and how many things you do each day that inspire me.

I never told you, I now have learned what it is like to be cruel, to be vicious, to be hateful. You taught me these things yet you also taught me how to love, to be kind and to be caring.

Mum I am so sorry and also so thankful for everything you have taught me. I don’t know what I would do without you,

Love from, Hope