Hello Loneliness

A lot of the time, whenever its writing whether privately or on here (through my sister’s page with her ”Dear Phoenix” letters) I use lyrics from songs to better express how I’m feeling. I’ll credit the song at the end of the article if you want to listen to the song. Warning, it is a sad song. I had my port for chemotherapy installed yesterday and I rate it a -10/10. I’ll do another article on the port and the full experience. But it’s finally settled. However I cannot lift anything over ten pounds for seven days. Which is killing me because I miss my godbabies and being able to do silly things with them. The youngest is two and he doesn’t understand that he can’t waller all over auntie. When he asks for me to pick him up I just want to cry. Cancer is messed up and it makes you feel entirely alone in a room full of love and support.

“Goodbye happiness, hello loneliness. I feel you coming back to take ahold again. My oldest friend, I wish you didn’t come around so often to steal my happiness.”

Once I got home yesterday from the installation I slept the whole day away. They had put me under heavy Narcotics that didn’t effect me until I was home. I’m a family person and I love my family. I don’t like this disconnect at all. It makes everything feel worse and on a whole new level. Around midnight the narcotics got a second wind and caught me off guard. I got sick. Really sick. I sobbed. This is what my next four or six months was going to look like.

“I wish somebody told me life was unkind before my worst moments opened my eyes. I try to hold on, hold my head high. But every day cuts me like a new knife. I can’t be happy living my life on my knees.”

Today I was doing some light duty chores (doing dishes, not of any heavier dishes) and sat down. My husband came home and started playfully being a butt. Our beagle-staffie mix Lily loves coming in between us to play too. However she hit the port side and instant tears. I let out a painful yell. My sissy kept saying not to be mad at the dog, it was an accident. I know it was. I wasn’t mad. Just another reality check that my body is trying to kill me. Just another reality check that I can’t love on my godbabies the way I want to. Everything is fine, the port feels fine. Just the area around it is inflamed again and I can barely turn my head again. My sister then told me to recover in the safety of the marriage shed (another little article I’ll write once the shed is completed) and relax, take some medicine too for the pain. I hate being away from them.

“Paying every doctor not to fix my disease. I hate to talk about what’s bothering me, ’cause no comfort ever comforts me. So goodbye happiness, hello loneliness. I feel you coming back to take a hold again.”

This coming Tuesday I start treatment and I am scared and have never felt more alone in my entire life. “Why don’t you join a support group or go to therapy?” Good questions to ask. Originally when I was diagnosed the first time I did join a support group. A few actually. One was through Beth Israel and a few on Facebook. In the support group I was the only one that wasn’t doing Chemotherapy or literally dying. I really didn’t feel welcomed and really felt out of place. I tried the online groups however, women are so awful to each other. I could see fighting happening in almost every single post. I didn’t want to be a part of that. As for therapy? I was seeing a therapist last year around this time, however it wasn’t a good fit and just haven’t tried going back yet. Life has been to hectic to bitch about some sad story to someone who’s probably going to go home, tell their friends and families or drink themselves into oblivion because being a therapist has its challenges.

“Happiness leaving this room, I can feel it. It’s getting hard just to be breathing again. Loneliness showin’ up here to remind me of all the things I know we could’ve been... I wish I wasn’t broken.”

My body is broken. I feel like I’m being swallowed up by the never ending abys. I love my family and they have always been super supportive of me. However when I speak to them I feel like they don’t hear me at all. They try to cheer me up or tell me that I’m going to get through this. I know they are right and that I will get through this. Cancer has taken so much from me. I honestly didn’t think it could take anything else from me. I was wrong. Once chemo is done, they plan on taking my ovaries sending me into menopause. At the age of thirty, I’ll be in menopause. I’m scared. I feel alone.

“I just wait for you to ruin it all and then come around... That darkness hold me tight won’t you let me go? I’m sick of always feeling broken-hearted and alone.”

I have no family of my own. No children with my husband. Sometimes I wonder if he regrets ever marrying someone like me. Ever since we got together there seems to be always something medically wrong with me and has put us into debt. I know I hate myself, I could see why he would hate me too. But he doesn’t. He’s my ride or die. I love him. I love my whole family, yet I stress them the hell out. Some days I do wonder if it is better to leave this world. But I’d be selfish for doing so.

“I hate talking about what’s bothering me. ’Cause no comfort ever comforts me… They said talkin’ about it helps to comfort the mind but nothing comforts mine.”

For now I’m okay. Just waiting for this whole nightmare to end. That maybe one day I can get over my biggest challenge yet. I wish that things were better.

Song: Hello Loneliness

Artists: Ekoh & Lo Spirit