Happy New Year

I’m a high school teacher. Every year I get a week long break for Thanksgiving, 2 weeks for Christmas, 1 week for Spring break, and 2 months for summer. Most teachers would agree that the time off is never enough. I know that sounds crazy. All that time off and its not enough. But the emotional, mental and physical requirements of the job is insane. It’s not just about teaching, its about providing a safe and welcoming enviroment for over a 100 kids on a daily basis. We are therapists, parents, disciplinarians, comedians, actors, performers everyday, all day.

So most teachers will tell you the time off is never enough to recoup the energy lost. They wait for the break. Count down the hours , minutes, and seconds until break time comes. Most teachers. I’m not a part of that group. I mean, I feel all the exhaustion and mental weariness everyone else feels. I just hate having all that time off because it requires me to stop my routine and reflect and think and spend time focusing on me.

Something I have never enjoyed doing. I recognize this about myself, so I usually plan trips and work to cover all that time I would have. Last year, I worked at target during the Thanksgiving and Christmas break and worked as an online teacher for all of the summer break. On the days I didn’t have much to do, I planned day trips and over night trips. Movie days and hours long hiking trips with my kids. I drove for 6 hours just to spend the day in a new city and drove back the next day for another six hours. I did all of that so that I wouldn’t have to reflect and face my own demons, issues, mind.

Staying busy has always been my vice for dealing or not dealing with life. This Christmas, I didn’t plan anything. Partly because we took a major trip over Thanksgiving and I was short on cash, and mostly because my kids are exhausted. They have been going non stop since Thanksgiving.

So that left me with 16 days. of being at home with not much to do except reflect and think. Honestly, these have probably been the hardest and darkest days I’ve experienced in a long time. When you make a habit of suppressing your thoughts and emotions because your afraid of them; feeling them is so intense and scary. It takes your breath. Leaves you scared and exhausted. Quiet, time, no routine. It makes you feel. It makes you think. It breaks you down and expects you to build yourself up again.

I spent time listening to the voice in my head and realized I don’t like that voice. It’s mean and cruel. It treats me worse then I would treat a person I hated. That voice is merciless. It leaves me shaking and wishing I could stop thinking, feeling, remembering. I spent time watching movies and shows trying to suppress my thoughts.

But this time, they wouldn’t stop. They wouldn’t shut up. They echoed and screamed. They reminded me of past traumas and made me feel. Feel everything. It was like I had opened Pandora’s box. Once I started feeling, thinking, remembering; I couldn’t close the box. Everything escaped. Everything was felt. I truly believed I was losing my mind.

I spent the past 14 days taking my kids out during the day and keeping them busy, and staying up most of the night thinking. Sometimes crying. Sometimes inwardly screaming at myself. I remebered moments that I suppressed because they were so painful, I couldn’t deal at the time. I cried over past pains. I looked in the mirror and found every fault. I stared at my house that was progressively getting dirtier and did nothing about it. Those were the night moments. In between, I wrapped presents, put up a Christmas tree, baked cookies for Santa, watched movies and ate popcorn with my kids all while mentally re-living my worst moments.

I don’t think there are enough words to describe the darkness of the past few days. I don’t think a person should ever have to go through that. Not alone. Days like that should be confined to asylums and hospitals. They should never be around for mass consumption.

But there is a positive. A little grain of light. I realized that if I didn’t want to go through this again; I have to feel. I have to allow myself to live in the moment, rather than suppressing or busying it away. I have to face myself. I have to shut that crappy inner voice up. Strangle it and never allow it to break me down again. But that will never happen if I continue to exist without living. Time passes you by, takes you through life and doesn’t stop. In the process you can choose to live or you can choose to exist. I‘ve spent this past decade existing. At first I did it to survive. But then it became habit. Then my go to. Then it became me.

I don’t know the person staring back at me in the mirror. I’ve busied her away. I’m 40 this month and can not articulate a single thing other than my kids that makes me happy. I don’t know what I like to do and what I hate. I don’t know what my favorite color is. I don’t know anything about myself. It’s dramatic, but real. I’m living inside a stranger. One I created. So my goal this year is to get to know the stranger. To try to feel.

My goal is to like myself. Maybe even begin to love myself. 2022 will be the year I actually start feeling again.