Gaslight Grace

Hey Mom. I never told you this before, but... I think you been gaslight.

A lot of things didn’t make sense to me as a child, constant fighting with family and friends, moving, changing schools regularly.

But as an adult I can now see you were trying your best to fight a fight no one knew about.

It’s not easy for anyone to raise one kid. I couldn’t imagine three.

Especially when your alone, with no support.

I don’t think you’ve had any to begin with…

We both know my farther is very opinionated.

It’s either his way or the highway.

He would belittle me constantly growing up, he attempted to gaslight me too, but it didn't work on me. Because it was his sad reality he was trying to sort out and he used me as his reflection.

If he, did it to his own flesh and blood, I wonder what he would do to someone he loved.

I used to be so angry at you.

I always hated this day. Mothers’ day.

On tv it would show the perfect family, I know we never had one. I don’t think anyone did. But I knew I needed to be loved from a mother figure. So, I choose my friends.

Barb would take your place; she was my favorite. I had a falling out with her daughter Christine several years ago and her mom would still consider me to be her second daughter. If that isn't love, I don’t know what is.

Being a parent isn't easy.

Society expects women to work as if they dont have children, and raise kids as if they don't work.

we aren't allowed to raise our voice if we are aggravated, if we do there’s enough self guilt that would drive almost anyone mad.

The constant worry of being a good mum can tear anyone apart. But being told you're a bad parent from your spouse, having no one to tell you you're doing a good job can make anyone feel like you did.

I'm trying my best to put myself in your shoes, because now I'm a parent myself.

It’s a lot to take in I know. But it’s been ten years now since we’ve talked, and I just wanted to let you know I’m not mad at you anymore.

Its not because you reached out to me.

Its because if I let the resentment of you live rent free in my head, I'll turn into you. And I don't want to do that.

I used to drink like you.

I used to smoke like you.

I died my hair because of you.

I imitated you because I wanted to be like you. That’s when I was younger, but when I became an adult, it was my stress release. Just like it was yours. Alcoholism is genetically complex. Now I'm not a scientist, and I don’t believe in everything you can get your hands on the internet. But I disagree.

The reason why I disagree is because I am no longer an alcoholic.

I had the love of my life tell me two years ago that Alcohol and me don't mix well becuase I get angry over the slightest thing and I don't think straight.

It takes courage to know you have a problem. That alone is the first step to becoming the person you are meant to be. I am living proof of that.

I honestly think you would of loved to be a grandmother.

But I need to protect my child from harm, because that's the first rule of being a mother.