For Him

To the man I never want to see again,

I used to believe that you would always be in my life.. I never thought I would've said my final goodbye to you. Hell. I never even said an actual goodbye to you. You were taken out of my life almost immediately, and, at the time, I didn't exactly realize what it was that made others think we were so bad for each other. You were my best friend. You were always my best friend. Since I was eight years old, you and I were inseparable. We did everything together from discussing favorite movies and artists to cooking pasta for lunch for your girlfriend. You remember her, right? The woman who you openly caused pain to both emotionally and physically; the same woman you used to constantly banned from having a child while you spent all your days giving a young child more respect than the woman you supposedly loved. I mean.. I remember you. I remember our relationship. Looking back on it, I'm so fucking thankful you never created any children.

Now. Let's get down to it. The reason why I'm writing this "letter" to you. When you were abruptly taken from my life, for what I thought was unjustified and messed up at the time, I was only thirteen. For five years, you were the one of the main men in my life. Yeah.. of course I had my father, but you were at least number two. For five years, you were the only person I wanted to hang with. There was just something about you that kept bringing me back. To this day, I still never fully understood why that was. There was just something about you that made me feel safe.. that made me feel like you would never let anything happen to me. I truly believed that you would never hurt me..

..I mean, you already hurt every other woman in the household.. but not me. Not your precious angel. I was special. I was important to you. I was the one person you always knew how to control yourself around..

..or at least I thought I was.

You see, a child doesn't know what's right from wrong. A child can't look at an adult and realize that their intentions are not normal for adults to have for children. I was eight years old. My moms old high school friend first came to use to get away from you; that was the first red flag. She didn't feel safe with you and wanted out. But suddenly, she was back in your arms. She was back in your arms and you were moving into our house with us. It started out just me spending time with a woman who was unable to bear a child.. giving her the feeling of having a child by her side when her boyfriend refused to let her bear one.

How the fuck did all that end with me developing a trust for the one person she was afraid of?

How the fuck did I manage to run to your arms whenever I needed to feel safe from all those who tried to hurt me?

I used to think you'd give everything just to keep me safe.

Now, I understand that you didn't care if I was safe or not; as long as I was around to keep you company when all else failed. You always counted on me to be there when everyone else wasn't. When all else never went your way, you always counted on me to be the shoulder to cry on. Me. The child. You counted on a child to be your shoulder because nobody your own age felt safe around you. I get that now..

..too bad it only took me almost ten years to understand that.

After ten years, I still have questions. I never got my answers to why you did what you did, and after ten years I finally managed to get as far away from you as possible. We now have an entire country separating us and I never want to change that.. but I still have questions that have gone unanswered all these years. You and I were taken apart so quickly; I never even got a chance to say goodbye to you. At the time, I didn't even realize that it would be our last time seeing each other; if I did, I would've prepped myself accordingly to prepare for it. Instead, that last time we saw each other you were in one of your severe episodes. You didn't want to talk to anyone; not your girlfriend, not your friends, not even me. Or at least I thought you didn't want to talk to me. Little did I know, you weren't allowed to be around me at this time. Little did I know, my mother didn't want you anywhere near where I was. Do you realize she cut all ties off from an old friend from high school just to protect her own daughter from you. That was how seriously fucked up this whole thing between us was.

But.. in the midst of the silence, I never got to get answers to the questions that swarmed my mind ever since that day.

Why me?

What did I do that made you choose me, out of any other child, to become yours?

What made me so special?

Was I the closest to you?

Was I the easiest?

Was I the only one who was stupid enough to think you actually gave two shits about me?

Did I do or say anything to you that made you realize I was the perfect one for you?

Why me?

Now these answers will probably always be open-ended.. considering I never want to see your face ever again, but I just hope that one day I'll be able to get past all this and move on from the pain you caused from me. Although I won't lie.. the day I heard that your girlfriend finally left you.. I felt relieved. Relieved for her. Relieved to know that after all those years, she finally found the courage to walk the fuck away from you after I had to watch how miserable you made her all those years. Hell. I was relieved at the idea that you had to spend the rest of your life rotting alone somewhere.. with nobody around to control or make to feel like garbage.

I know. I know. That's not a healthy way to cope. Of course I shouldn't hope you were alone to suffer through your crap, but I can't help it. You destroyed me. You filled me with such a distrust of men that I can't help but see every new man of my life as you. No matter what I do, I will always see your face everywhere I go. You live rent free in my damn mind and I hate it. But there's nothing to do about that now. The past is the past. You can't undo the past just because you hate the way it turned out.

At one time, we were best friends.

We were inseparable.

Nobody could tear us apart.

You and I; we were each others safety nets.

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.. although I hope to God that you never find this.

Sincerely,

Me