first love - notes i wrote in my diary 5 years ago when i was 17

Am I in love ??

It’s so scary to be in love I don’t know if he loves me. He doesn’t even know how happy I get when I see him, my heart genuinely starts beating so fast and my eyes glow, he’s even told me they do.

But does he love me? I don’t know if he does or if he ever will, I hope he does I really hope he does. Gosh I hate being in a one-sided love it’s so hurtful. Just to get a small whiff of his presence I’d do stupid things like walking extra slow in the hallways he would most likely be seen, or stare at the reflecting black counter at the front of the class because I could see bits of his reflection through there. It’s so embarrassing to admit but is it not crazy? To think someone could mean so much to you, especially since he was nothing for me a few months prior. But now? Now oh my goodness. I think I might be in love? My first love. He’s my first love, my first kiss, my first everything.

I sometimes feel like he does not love me the way I love and admire and respect and adore him. He does not compliment me the way I compliment him. He rarely compliments me which I understand is not everyone’s way of expressing love, but compliments are my love language. It’s the one small thing I love love love. If you notice little things about me and tell me you like them I absolutely adore that, inexplicably adore that. I tell him he’s beautiful and no one compares to him but he has never said that I’m beautiful too.

Another thing about him, he worries too much about his friends, the way his friends view him, or comment about him. It hurts me a little bit because I feel as though he values his friends opinions more than me. He does not talk to me at school at all, now I can be delusional and say it’s because he is nervous, which is he gets very easily, but is that really the reason? I beg to differ. I feel as though he feels embarrassed of me, and that his friends dislike me too. It’s hurtful. Me & him don’t have a lot of communication. I’m not really sure what we even are? Are we together? I just feel weird about this all. I’ve always wanted to be with someone who adored me as much I adored him. I don’t know if that’s what is happening here. Maybe I did something wrong? What could I have done? I try to think about that a lot. Maybe I’m the problem? Maybe I’m the one that has problems with communication?

I hope just really really hope he adores me the same way I adore him. He doesn’t understand he really doesn’t. I see his smile and I feel like everything in my world has lit up. My heart beats so fast and the smile on my face becomes inexplicably bright. I think I really love him but he will never know because I will never show it to him. I am afraid he does not feel the same way. But maybe he does?? He did kiss me several times. But what if he sees this as a fling? Although I’ve made it clear I only care for serious relationships. I also feel as though I am not his type. His ex was a beautiful blonde girl and I am no where near that. I don’t think very highly of myself, and it’s all valid. I don’t feel beautiful at all. I wish I was beautiful and maybe that’s why he’s never told me I am. His ex had the most beautiful features I am no where near her when it comes to beauty. I’ve also heard she was very smart, gosh what does it feel like to be so perfect? How could he like me after being with her and losing feelings for her? It doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe it is all a lie and he was lying? I am scared. I think I love him. But is it worth it at all? I hope it is. My parents don’t know I meet him sometimes. I don’t want to get into any trouble. This is so difficult. Love makes you delusional. Why does it make you so delusional god forbid. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. It’s so embarrassing and disgusting the way I’ve become thinking mindlessly about him for hours and hours and hours at a time. I had a difficult time during exam season because all I could do was think about this boy. The only reason I smile nowadays is when I see his message. Love makes you disgusting and needy and rude and cringey. It’s so gross. I am tired of feeling like this. I hope he likes me. I hope he does, and if he doesn’t, I will not chase. That is not my role. I will simply leave and never speak to him again. But I hope he knows he is and will always be my first love.