Finding My Voice In My Words

I want to write about everything I can.

But I know I can’t. Maybe not yet, maybe not ever. I mean, I barely have the confidence to write up blog posts without having a mental block halfway, or even to carry out a casual conversation with an intellectual person without zoning out from his/her excessive use of jargon.

Because at the end of the day, I’m just one of those writers who just likes to ship out the feelings in her heart into her brain cells (for organisation purposes) and then spill them out onto paper.

Okay, not paper, the computer - although I'm probably going to keep saying paper just because it feels rather authentic or true to the "writer" personality.

And if I don’t know what I’m talking about then I will curl up into a fetal position or withdraw into a corner (in most cases, not literally).

I’ve read 101 (or more!) articles that tell you how to find your voice, your niche. I’ve even contemplated just writing and not thinking too much about it in previous posts, but I feel like I’m still not satisfied. A writer friend of mine, someone I look up to, told me to just keep the sentences simple and to just try things out from there.

It sure as hell sounds easy, but … something’s missing.

I see myself as a blogger, yet I don’t seem to journal enough about my own life into my written works. It’s like bits of pieces that I want to share and then whatever other thoughts and circumambulate (ooo, big word) in my head just gets thrown out into the cloud, far away from my reach (this makes me sad).

I think I can motivate people with my writing, but so far, I haven’t even been able to gain enough confidence to motivate myself. So, yeah, nevermind. I'm just content whenever I get by with some quality work, honestly. Sounds pathetic as a person who writes for a living, but it could possibly just be imposter syndrome. I don't know!

As for the niche, every time I do think I need one, I feel like I’m good at organising things so I try to write business plans, proposals and letters for the corporate types. Great that I make a little cash out of this, but it’s really just to make money and nothing else.

My ultimate goal as a writer? I want to write a book. A book about my life, a book about things I’ve learned. A book like one of those books that I’ve read and loved. And yet my attention span is so short that it’s hard for me to even read someone’s lengthy blog post without going “nevermind, skip” nowadays.

Talk about lacking focus.

Or maybe I should write fiction. I did try once - I wrote a novelette. I didn't love it, but I can still try. Life is long, isn't it?

In all honesty, if my brain could spill out the thoughts it has into paper automatically, I would have so much to share with everyone. Maybe I have a fear of something, which is why my thoughts never make it to "paper". Maybe I’m afraid I think up very controversial stuff and I don’t want any additional drama in my life. But then, why bother writing, right?

I’m sorry if this post seems a little all over the place. I guess I’m trying to find my voice by writing out my thoughts and putting them all into one outlet so I can focus. In the meantime, I’ll continue getting my learn/read/write on.

Oh, would you look at that.

Mission accomplished.