Fearing the unknown

It’s always hard to think about the future when you have so much on your mind. When you have so many things that weigh on you it’s hard to move past everything and focus on the future and be positive. You put on a smile and make sure everybody thinks you’re OK but really all you wanna do is cry. When you don’t know if you’ll ever heal and move on. You don’t know if you’ll be able to do the things you used to do but you’re forced to smile and show everybody that you’re just fine. “I promise I’m just fine.”

Something you’ve worked so hard for can be taken away from you in a matter of seconds because you thought you were doing what was right. The beauty of that last line is that can pertain to so many things in life and that can mean so much to so many people. You look fine on the outside, but inside you’re screaming, on the inside you’re on fire, on the inside you hurt but make sure you smile because heaven for bid you cry or show some emotion.

I almost envy the day that I don’t have to do anything but I’ve worked so hard for what I want so I don’t want to lose what I’ve worked hard for. I feel like I will lose a part of me and I will lose so much. I’m terrified that I’ll get thrown to the waysside because I am broken and useless I’m already halfway there because I can’t be used to my full potential. But I have to remind myself that I can get better and it will take time but nothing moves fast and I know that nobody cares they all put on fake smiles and pretend like they care. Even my friends act like they care but they really just wanna know when I’m gonna be better.

Oh! heaven for bid I get upset because then I am being irrational trying to explain the amount of pain that I am in but I have to try and calm myself before I lose it but I am the irrational one because I’m on fire 24 seven and there’s nothing that anyone can do for me at this point but I am the irrational one.

I feel like if I don’t heal fast enough everything will slip away from me and I don’t know what I will do after that after that. I will have to scramble and I don’t know what to do when I scramble. I’ll make it work I always do. I just don’t wanna have to make it work I want things to just work out. I’m sick of making things work. I’m sick of hurting mentally and physically and letting things go and just dealing with things.

I’ll have to look forward to the future. I hope that there’s better days in store knowing that I’ll have some bad days but hope there’s more good than bad. I want a better future it’s just not looking like it at this point which makes me fear the future. Which most people should be excited for their future I just don’t know if mines going to drastically change but I’m not sure if I’m prepared for that and I don’t know if people around me are going to be prepared for that either.

There are days running away sounds amazing. Leave everything behind me and just start over somewhere too bad modern technology ruined that.

Just remember, say it with a smile, I’m fine.