Fake Love

To my love, On the 6th of November - I no longer want to play your stupid games; your reckless actions will only cost you in the long run. You've asked me recently to make up my mind, and I'll always choose you, but deep down, a voice is telling me you won't do the same because you still are all over that, Kait. I don't want to suffer anymore or feel like a second option. Said we could make it work, but how when all you do is push me away? I will be taking a break; I don't know for how long; heck, I could do even more than that immature challenge you offered. Your move was wrong because I'll just detach. I hope you find the one for you. I hope you find happiness. I wish you the best. I thought you'd want to know what I was thinking in my period of being locked in that sensitive loop (starting in April, when all that shit of drama started).

Although it's difficult for me to separate from you and go on, specific individuals are much better for me. You always seem to draw me back whenever I attempt to distance myself from you. I don't want to continue hurting myself, like you, and caring for you. I could not let go of you because I believed we connected and regarded you as my soul mate. Not good, is it?

Nevertheless, it is true. My opinions on April: Love is a battle, but I'm not a veteran since all I feel inside are the open wounds that ache. I'm too connected; therefore, I'll always have these injuries. I've known them since little, I watered them, and now I'm the one to be drowning and choking.

I don't know how I shall feel or if there's anything for me to sense except numbness, in which I seem to dive eternally as if I'm bound to taste pain after every temporary bliss. Where are you? Why did you leave me behind when I thought all was going fine, we'd have the world at our feet and a universe to lead, just you and me. Then why you made the decision to fly away without letting me know? I'm the one who falls, and maybe so are you, at some point, if you didn't learn how to spread your wings. Am I the nest you return to every time something goes wrong? Should I live with the fact I'll always find my way back home? Should I rely on this blind dependence on each other? Maybe in another parallel world, our destiny had a different path, or perhaps I'm too harsh, and my mind is too foggy - a break doesn't mean pulling away.

Nevertheless, I miss you. Just because you've got the words of an innocent doesn't make you less than guilty of murdering my heart. For I was the ideal victim: an angel willing to fall for another archangel dressed up like the devil, or were you the one wearing red before my sins turned white on your hands? I still love you.

This is another moment of mines when I am trying to pull away due to the feelings that seem to overwhelm me, and again I wanted to have a break from you, to detach; I may have it for one month, I think, but at the same time, I wonder if it's even worth mentioning it. I wish we could have been more upfront and not denied anything and everything else that followed. You once said that I doubt you; honestly, maybe I do because I still have that voice telling me you want her. I shouldn't give a fuck, though, and focus on myself, but I know I'll miss you. I am the thorn in between, a side of me wishing to stay still, whereas the other wants to flee. Yeah, running away has been my protective mechanism. I came off as aggressive, but there's still truth in it. I feel sorry if it seemed like I leashed out; I had to get it off my chest. 2nd of December - we seemed more open about our feelings, and you were seeking a reaction from me. I took the first step and talked to you, feeling like in the 9th heaven. You make me the happiest, and I'd never trade our bond nor my love for you for anything else, but could we feel the bliss, or are we bound to backfire our passion?