Failure Friend or Foe

No one really talks about the grief that comes with failing for the first time, the pain, the disappointment in one’s self and the general feeling of disbelief.

I still remember the day clearly, the day I was told I was going to have an extra year in school, I was in an office it was April 1st so I thought it was April fools, lol o thought it was a prank. My course adviser looked me right in the eye and said those words that in some way changed the trajectory of my thinking of my educational life. It was almost like an out of body experience, I was there but I wasn’t, I could hear him but at the same time it was almost like his voice was coming from a distance. I laughed not because anything was particularly funny but because it just seemed like it was impossible. I didn’t fail, it wasn’t something I did there has to be a mixup somewhere, something like that doesn’t happen to me? But it did.

I remember going through the five stages of grief.Denial, anger, bargaining ,depression and acceptance.

Accepting was hard,because it was almost like accepting I was a failure, it was accepting that I wasn’t good enough and I struggled with that, for a long time I struggled with that reality,surely it couldn’t be my reality but it was. Looking back I see how badly I took it, how badly I let it affect me, how badly I let it take control of my life. I let it define me when I shouldn’t have. It’s easy to tall someone what they should do in that kind of situation until, you are in it and then you realize, this thing isn’t as easy as it looks.

How did I deal with it?

For a long time I didn’t, I ignored the problem, pretended it was there, if I didn’t acknowledge it then it didn’t exist, how silly of me. Eventually I accepted it and I started to work on it, I started to drive myself to do better, to be better and eventually I was. I successfully graduated from school, not the tule I wanted but the time for me, the tule I was supposed to. I do know that the experience has forever changed me and date I say for the better. I am stronger now, more driven, I know now that failure is a part of life, part of what makes this beautiful, crazy journey worth it, I know now to face any situation without fear because oh! The wonderful things we can discover on the other side of fear are endless, the possibilities as well. I am not afraid to fail anymore, however I am afraid to stay stagnant like I did those beginning weeks, I am afraid to let it depress me and change who I am, I am afraid to let it define me. Now I tell myself that failure is a part of the journey and it makes the story all the more sweeter and dramatic to tell when it eventually becomes a success story. I could go on and on about how I failed but I got up and eventually it all paid off. At the end of the day we need failure as humans it makes us more confident, less afraid and to be honest it keeps us grounded, kind of a much needed humility pill.

Next time you fail at something remember to feel all the emotions, feel everything you need to feel, get up and try again. Trust me it builds character, I should know.😂