Fading away.

I’ve been told I am strong and unbreakable but in reality I’m a fragile. I’ve given my heart to many people who time after time have broken off a piece to feed off of. I wonder how much is even left. I love like it’s my last day on this earth and yet somehow I wake up every morning in sadness.

I’ve single handily removed everyone in my life, some for good reason and some because I knew they would see right through me. I’ve put myself in a position where I have no one to turn to, not even a journal. Bottling everything up and pretending it’s all okay just seemed like the easier path, shit I’ve never been one to take the easy way out. I’m not even sure what my limits are but somehow I feel like I’m slowly reaching them.

I thought you made love easy.. somehow you made love feel like a game of hide and seek. You lie to “protect” my feelings but I lay awake at night having doubts that I am enough to make you stay, to make you only want me. Sometimes you say I’m loud, but that’s just my personality or it was. I’ve learned that you give me a certain look when I’m changing the girl you’ve sculpted. The one who is silent and can’t say no. You’ve never physically hurt me so it’s okay right? But emotional abuse is still abuse.

I cry in the shower for my mother, I yearn for that motherly warmth I never received as a child. I crave a love I’ve never actually experienced and yet my screams are silent. You always say “I thought you knew” but you knew damn well I’m always unaware. You play your game and damn are you good at it.

I’ll admit, I was fooled into thinking someone can actually love me. I don’t look like the girls you watch on tv. I don’t have the acceptance from your parents like her and her sisters do. Fuck, the way your dad thinks no guy could ever do better than one of those girls. I bet he thought the same when you were sleeping in her bed. Then you brought me home, pregnant and with no money to my name.

Your family’s love language is verbal abuse. Mine was actual abuse. I avoid confrontation because I’ve had to go toe to toe with my own mother, I’ve slept in homeless shelters and I’ve can to walk at 6am in a big city all alone. I’ve accepted that I’ll never be enough in the eyes of your family and maybe even you. How could you sit there and watch them drag my name through the mud as a mother. I am a mother to your kids, I feed them, bathe them, dress them, brush their teeth and I do everything in between. You make them laugh a few times and you get parent of the year.

I am so numb. Every girl you’ve ever introduced me to has one thing in common with me, your dick. Somehow you and your parents think we live in a world where ex partners and current partners should be best friends. When we’re you gonna tell me she lives there? You work 12 hour away in few of the woman you once claimed to be your soulmate, you can’t have two. Damn here I go again in my feelings comtiplating whether or not you are loyal or if I am just overthinking. Why did you want to delete all your social media? Why are you logged in all mine?

I am a mother of two, last time I saw my parents I was freshly pregnant with our first. I see your family every day (literally). Am I crazy? What has love down to me, and why is saying “No” just a battle these days. I miss my family. I miss my home. I miss me.