Everyone is Struggling

The first attempt that I had at this post was far too negative... Truthfully, I had a really awful time during the year 2021. It was a truly terrible year to put it lightly. I had promised myself that the second attempt at this post would be better.

When most of the kindness that I have shown in the past, was then displayed as manipulative instead of as being generous because of the word suicidal behavior that I also happen to be struggling with. I really cannot deny the words that 2021 was just an all-around really bad year for me. I can't even look back and judge it at this point. I just have to accept it for what it was and move on from it.

I grew up admiring two people for the way that they volunteered and the way that they gave. I still admire a lot of the generous qualities that those two women have.

One of the worst things that someone close to me had said when I was struggling with my own depression, suicidal thoughts, and mental health was this. "Everyone is struggling." Back then, at that time. It really hurt a lot. The woman was really callous when it comes to most people's feelings and mental health because of her own struggles with death and it got to me in a really hard way.

From the words of the person who spoke, she was speaking on the pandemic. But truthfully, everyone was struggling before the pandemic, I think that we all did better jobs of hiding things back then. I know that because I was one of those people myself. I kept a lot of the way I felt to myself, and I couldn't help but need people in my own way this past year, I needed people to understand. But nobody did. That turned me into a person I don't really like. My heart used to be worn out on my sleeve. I have closed that heart of mine now. I still try to be kind but I am a lot sadder than I used to be. I can't always help my own head space these days, not like I used to.

The person who hurt me the most turned me into a version of myself that I no longer recognize. I used to seek her approval with every move that I made and no matter what the choice was, I was always in the wrong. I am responsible for my own actions though.

I'm not going to lie, I do try to exhibit more kindness to most people because of how people have treated me. But when the hard times are still going and not a lot of people seem to understand. It's actually really hard. It's really hard to be a good person when your heart just hurts. And when you know why it does. Because before 2021 I usually was more kind than necessary with most people, I changed my outlook on life in a really good way. I learned that not everything is about me, and I like to keep that lesson very close to my heart.

I want to bring people more joy than I do misery. I can't unrun every bad thing that I have ever done. But I can move forward with a clean heart and a clean attitude because of the things I learned throughout my bad year. Because like I said, not everything is about me.

I gave a lot more than I received in 2021. In so many ways I had my truth ignored and I fought for that fact for a long time. After gifting serval important people in my life coffee cups that I couldn't afford at the time, and donated used clothing to a woman I had admired, I learned a whole bunch of valuable lessons. I missed a lot of red flags with so many people in my life. I sure can try to move forward beyond that with small acts of kindness in my own way while I heal from my own life and the small ways it destroyed me.

This post is still too negative for my liking, but it's hard to unwire negative thought patterns when you're kind of stuck in a rut. My gifts weren't ever well received and I guess I took things to heart with some people. I decided you just show up for the world and continue to try and be a good person to others even when there are people out there who will just take and take until you have nothing left to give back. That in itself is valuable for me to learn about myself. I'm not a user, I used to be used so damn easily. Not anymore. The walls of my heart are very high after the damage that was done to it by those closest to me. Anybody with eyes can see that I may not be the same person that I used to be, but I am still the kind-hearted girl I used to be before I became hurt. Or before my hurt made me into what I am today.

I know that not everything is about me. I hate that I feel like I made a kindness post turn into a journal entry focused on how I hate how angry and negative I have become as a person. I stored so much hurt for such a long time. I don't want to bleed on people who didn't cut me anymore. But I can actively not support the people who hurt me this deeply as well. That is a valuable lesson I will hold near to my heart after the pain that was the year 2021.

So let me just say this: Here's to the year 2022. Where the word COVID matters, and everyone's mental health is just in the trashed. Even when I find it hard to smile, I will try and just up for the world in a kind way because I want to be a better person for the two little people who look up to me like I looked up to the woman that raised me.

Chloe Rose Violet

**I know this post is negative. But I have a point to it. You can still show up for the world with a bleeding heart. But I will keep showing up with my chin held up high knowing that I let my hurt hurt other people. It's a lesson that I learned this past year and something that I am really not proud of.