easy on me

Dear little me,

I just turned 23 today. I’m here to tell you something.

All my life I’ve been searching for love in the wrong place. Because I had to grow up quickly for my age. Because I was made to believe that I had to look for ways and people to make me happy outside of myself. This way of living made me do anything but “live”, barely existing. I was just… out there, not knowing what is it that I’m supposed to do. Without any guidance I kept moving forward.

The pressure to “do” progressively increased as I aged. It did not help when I left that institution. It was the first time I chose “myself”. It was the best decision I made for myself but it was also the most difficult year of my life. I lost people close to me. I was constantly drowning in shame and the isolation felt so very suffocating. Each day was no less than a battle with me and my surroundings. I felt people talking about how I should do certain things and criticizing me. They made decisions for me, as if they know me better. Forced to live their way.

I cannot even fathom to tell you how hard it was to even breathe. I still remember once when I didn’t get any sleep for 2 days straight. Not that I wasn’t tired, I was, and to the point I couldn’t even lift my head and move. The chain of thoughts and time blindness made it impossible for me to rest. And I knew it wasn’t possible for me to get complete rest at that time. I still feel guilty when I even think about resting. Those days when I physically couldn’t move due to exhaustion was filled with shame and guilt that still follows me to this day.

But you know what? I’ve come so far from that moment of restlessness. I no longer feel the need to take deep breathes every other second. The chest pain and heart beat that exceeded what’s “normal” has vanished as if it was never there haunting me. Though I’m still dealing with some physical limitations, I have gained far more energy that I no longer collapse every time I move.

I am really scared to call anyone my friend. The word haunts me through my dreams and unconscious emotions. But I think I now have a few who could be something close to a friend. They don’t judge me and are very open to my craziness. I don’t know where we will be in the future but at least for now, I don’t want to limit myself to the cocoon I made when I was betrayed anymore.

My you, my little me, thank you for always believing in us. The only one I believed in throughout this process was us; you of me from the past and me from the present and future. Nothing was easy. I have had many many moments where I felt like a burden because I wasn’t doing “anything”. I still do. I am 23 now and I don’t have a source of income. Because I refused the way of ‘quick money’ and wanted to go through one which doesn’t necessarily ensure a safe monetary source but I would be doing what I want, fulfilling my role led by my soul and divine guidance. But I believe in the future us. I believe in the universe that I would never astray from the path I am supposed to walk on. I know I will make through this. I have faith in us. This faith, that came to me with much difficulty will be our guidance.

Dear little me, I will always be there guiding you. You don’t know it yet but you’ve always been good at following your intuition. You always do what you think is right at the end of the day. Things might not be clear most of the times. You will come to question yourself and the Universe whenever you hit low. But I hope you have faith in me and future us that we will be alright. We will be safe. We will make it out of here. We will be happy.

I hope you could one day look up at the starry night sky, at the enchanting moon and smile proudly at you and me. You’ve done so well holding up until now. Please be rest assured that I will take care of us properly. I promise you that I will go easy on me.

With love,

me ❤