Dušica for SOUL

I was in my freshman year at the University. I majored in theater but this was my first film audition ever. I inhaled deeply, I walked into the room knowing I’m animated and big, probably too big for the excruciating eye of the camera and spotted the director, who reminded me of a hamster, with his full cheeks. I plopped on the chair and just felt grateful that I was able to be in the room. That I was invited. I took another deep breath and listened carefully. The director approached waving his hands uncontrollably, I could see he was nervous too. “The story is about a young couple. They’re in love, and they just had a baby. I don’t want to reveal too much but the baby at the end… Well, it's not a happy ending.”

Now me and my partner both quietly gasped and wondered what we got ourselves into. “The audition will consist only of an improvisation exercise, I just want to see how you react to one another and how you express emotion. Here it is: He comes home late, Sabina is pissed. She’s tired. She's been taking care of the infant all day and waiting for Serge to come home and relieve her so she can study. She has to study for her final exams. So here’s your objective, feel free to take a couple of moments and whenever you’re ready let’s see what you got.“ I swallowed, I made my eyes as narrow as slits, I was ready to fight. My schoolmate Romeo, now trying for Serge, put his big hands over his eyes, turned away and walked slow heavy steps. Then he turned and “came home”. Out of my slits, I slithered at him like a serpent, eyes piercing. He defended with useless excuses and I attacked with a jealousy of a young lover, the only one I knew. He slammed the desk a few times, I tossed a chair, papers went flying and the director breezed in Woody Allen style. “That’s great, that’s great, keep it, keep it, I love the intensity. Can you add just a little bit of care and gentleness, you really do care about each other?“ Romeo and I locked eyes and smiled and in character we both apologized, made up and he kissed my left cheek. I turned to him and considered if this kiss could be something else but then in character without further hesitation I kissed him right back, directly on the mouth make no mistake. I walked out of that room feeling like a million bucks. My first audition for a movie and it really wasn’t that bad.

Two days later I got a notice. I got the role. I was ecstatic, surprised too, how was that possible? Score in the first go... OK. I got the script, we rehearsed, my favorite parts were still yelling and arguments and being all emotional but there were also quieter moments in the movie, where I had to nurse the baby and rock the baby and talk to the baby and I was 18, sans experience with babies. I had a younger sister but she was a baby a long time ago.

I remember holding a crying infant in my arms on the film set and knowing that absolutely nothing in me knows what to do with him. But to be perfectly honest, if there was any trace of gentleness I would try to suppress it, since I was a young feminist actively trying to demolish any conservative streaks in the larger society and within myself. I wanted to have fun, I wanted to explore, I wanted to lead a wild life, a self-directed life. I wanted to be a raging goddess riding on a storm, not a wife and mother. And my life up to this point has been a reflection of that desire. I wasn’t interested in my biological function, I was interested in what I can do, what I can accomplish, what I can gift to the world! Babies were not in my repertoire. But here I was, holding one on set and the camera was rolling. For me the stakes were high. If nothing else I wanted to do a good job. At that moment, I decided that I’m going to pretend that I am my mother. I called my mother upon me and something stirred inside of me. A warm light filled me, poured through me and charmed the baby. It worked. We were delighted together. But it wasn’t me. It was the essence of my mother. Between takes, the baby would start crying again because I would turn the mom switch off, it went on and off and on and off. I was wondering how does this knowledge work? How do I not know to make the choice in the moment but if I channel my own mother I can do the unimaginable? Does this apply to anything in life? All we have to do is find a good role model and we can conquer the world, whatever we can dream of, no matter how ridiculous it may seem at the beginning? My mother has been a secret well. Like a golden retriever, whenever I found something exciting, a new notion out in the world and brought it to my mother, it turned out not only that she had already known it but she had already carried it inside of her. She’s an alchemist brewing a potion, an elixir under her skin and communicating with me in a way that’s subtle, intangible but perceivable and strong.

Cubs and babies learn from mothers by osmosis. My mother communicates with me invisibly, telepathically through time and space. She embodies the spirit of “Mother”, the Creator. A mother is like the universe; filled with treasures and horrors alike, concocting and sustaining the miracle of life. And every time a woman becomes a new mother this ancient instinct of the creator, nurturer and keeper pours through her and revives the spirit that keeps us all alive. A mother is a universe.

Dedicated to my mother Dušica, SOUL in Slovenian.