Dreams, obssession & Wins

This situation happened to me when I was working in a famous supermarket company here in Brazil, but I prefer to omit the name of this company to avoid problems.

I used to work as a cashier at this supermarket company around eight hours a day, almost twelve in holydays and weekends. It was funny, because I just hate this job I never left it put me down or to mistreat a consumer. I knew, or a part of me knew, that the people around me had nothing to do with my frustration.

In Brazil, there is a funny fact about the coordinators of the supermarket checkout area: they use rollerblade skates to move more easily and faster through the stores, which usually causes a series of bizarre situations, such as people falling through the stores, bumping into customers

and crashing on the shelves.

At that time my biggest dream was to be one of those coordinators. I simply looked up to my fellow inspectors, and I always did my best to get promoted.

I even worked, unofficially, for almost a month; but, due to certain quarrels with another inspector, I ended up being put back in the cashier.

Being demeaned had a totally evil effect on me: I was hurt and I wanted to hurt others, I just couldn't stand the idea of having lost what I wanted most, what was rightfully MINE.

It didn't enter my mind that someone could exert so much influence in my life simply out of envy.

My anger began to reflect not only in my professional life (because I started to be rude with clients and colleagues) but also in my social life, I went into a kind of “post-relegation depression” – at home I preferred to stay in my room complaining. With my friends I was short and rude, and with my girlfriend I became a real monster.

Not having achieved my goal made all the other things I already owned move away from me – and everything was going to get a lot worse.

A month later, three vacancies were opened for a cashier at the store where I worked. Eight names were chosen, none were disclosed. But I knew that my name was running among the candidates, and it was highly rated.

By some ruse of the same colleague (if I can call it that) again I was not selected - this time, not only my relationships, but my health was damaged.

I woke up one morning with a severe pain in my chest, I couldn't even move properly, and my left arm ached slightly. My parents took me to the doctor and we ended up finding out that I was about to have a HEART! My blood pressure had reached 17.9.

Exactly, not having my dreams come true almost killed me. I poisoned myself every day and I knew it. But I couldn't do anything about it. It looked like that monster was going to completely destroy me; in fact, he devoured me slowly, until he reached the bowels of my soul.

It was on a Tuesday, if I remember correctly, that one of my bosses called me to talk. He was worried about me, I wasn't the same anymore, I didn't dedicate myself like I used to, and practically acted like a statue. Deep down I blamed myself for not being promoted all those times and sabotaged myself, hoping to get fired, so as not to bear the shame of having failed.

When he closed the door, I almost cried.

I was feeling small, I had worked for that company for two years and my position was killing me with depression and the feeling of failure. I just can´t hold anymore to not be selected for the position of sub manager.

He smiled to me, I thought he didn´t care.

My boss told me to open the locker and I had to force it because it was an old locker with a rusted door.

In the back, protected by a box with the symbol of the company, there was a couple of rollerblades.

My rollerblades.

My dreams were not so far away.

It was at that time that I understood: my dreams were not far away, they were right there in front of me all the time, it was enough to have a little more hope and calm with myself, to achieve them.

I still keep good memories of the period I spend working on that supermarket, as a memoir full of photos and pictures.

One year and half later I was invited to became a minor manager of my sector, because I was the best sub manager of my team.

My dreams never killed me, they gave me strength and power to keep changing my life, but my obsession almost did it.