Dirty Little Secret

I believe that everyone needs to allow themselves a safe place to write or somehow tell a secret that they might have sitting in the back of their head eating away at them. Secrets that might make your shoulders heavier than they should be. As I'm writing this I have decided that this is the place I'd like to write out a little confession of mine that I will probably never tell another soul. I do feel a little guilty about said confession, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

I was with my ex-fiance for just under three years. I had always been one to preach about how bad and horrible cheating was. I always said I would never allow myself to stoop that low because why would I want someone to feel that way?

After about a year of being with my ex things had started going downhill and it created some toxic behaviors that I wish it hadn't, but I feel like after going into detail you might understand where such behaviors came from.

My ex had started drinking all the time. He had promised me he wouldn't drink and drive, which I later found out he was doing anyway. The drinking progressively got worse and he started being extremely mean towards me and nice to his friends. I should also mention this was all in front of said friends and in private. It did not matter to him if someone was around or not.

I expressed my feelings towards the drinking to him and he got upset with me. He turned it around on me and packed it into my head that it was all my fault. After many nights of crying and trying to communicate turning into screaming matches, I started believing him. Everything was my fault.

Things started looking up again. I found out I was pregnant by taking a home pregnancy test. The positive was very clear and when I told him his response was, "I don't want to get my hopes up until you go to the doctor to prove you're pregnant."

At the time I thought I understood why he would say that, but I really didn't. It should have hurt my feelings. Anyhow, I pushed any negative thoughts aside and had my daughter.

When I finally went back to work I had started developing a close relationship with one of my male coworkers. We never hung around outside of work or anything like that, but our work relationship did take a turn.

I started expressing my feelings toward my ex and he had started to tell me about how I shouldn't take that. I needed to get out ASAP. I just didn't think I could do that. I wanted to keep my family together even if it meant my emotional state would collapse.

Things continuously kept going downhill and my male coworker had started flirting with me. This wasn't unusual because he flirted with all the girls in the store. It made me feel good about myself and I started flirting back. I felt intense regret at the time because I knew if my ex was doing this to me I would be furious. At the same time though this man was 41 years old and I was 19. It was harmless, right?

I started smoking again as I failed to breastfeed and the law changed to 21+ on tobacco products. I was so mad that those already 18+ were not grandfathered in, so I could no longer purchase my cigarettes. I had smoked the same thing that my male coworker did, so naturally, I asked him to buy my cigarettes.

One Saturday morning I had just worked the overnight shift and Max, my male coworker, had just came into work for the morning. I asked him to buy me a pack and handed him my debit card. I already had my car pulled up to the diesel side doors (we worked at a truck stop,) because I was getting boxes for my upcoming move. Max came back out and pulled me off to the side that way nobody could see him hand me the cigarettes. He claims he's never done this before and he doesn't know what made him do it, but he leaned in for a kiss on the cheek. I felt like it was harmless and leaned in to kiss his opposite cheek, but we both misjudged where we were going and our lips connected.

We both stood there for a minute with the deer in headlights look. I spun around and started walking to my car. He had done the same and started walking to the shop. I was on the highway when he called my phone. He apologized and stated he was not intentionally trying to kiss me. He was trying to kiss my cheek. I apologized to him and told him that I knew, but I had slipped up and was trying to kiss his cheek too.

I thought we would never speak to each other the same way again. We were both avoiding each other, but I didn't want that. He had worked the evening shift one night, and I was coming in for the overnight. He went to walk out the door and I hollered for him, "Hey bitch! Where's my hug?"

He laughed and came over to give me my routine hug that he gave all the girls, so I wasn't special. He told me bye and out the door he went. I had driven my ex's truck that night and Max came back inside to ask me if I could jump his van. I agreed.

I pulled the truck next to his van and he connected the batteries with his jumper cables. He picked me up to give me a big hug and when he put me back down I didn't know what to think of the situation. I wasn't catching on to his intentions. I turned to walk away and he grabbed me, turned me around, and kissed me. I was shocked, but I didn't stop him.

We shared a couple more kisses before I jumped back into my truck once his van was running. My thoughts kept turning back to my ex. Max was showing me a sliver of happiness that I wasn't getting from my ex and I started thinking about leaving him.

A couple more nights went by and Max and I continued talking. My ex started realizing I was drifting away and started trying to win me back. It made my decision super hard to make. I had gone and had a conversation with Max after he had got off work one night and decided right then and there I needed to leave my ex and find myself again.

I took him off the lease of my apartment and moved in. During the move, I had told him how I felt. He guilt-tripped me, but I was dead set on leaving him. I told him I would give him another chance, but we were still breaking up. He started sticking close to me and kissing major ass. It got annoying really quickly and it resulted in an argument while sitting on the edge of my bed in my apartment. I told him to get out.

Two days later he was already in a new relationship with his ex. I hadn't even thought about a relationship. I didn't even think Max wanted anything serious. A few weeks went by and Max made it clear that he was serious if I was and we made it official. A couple more weeks went by and it was revealed that my ex's ex, now girlfriend, was pregnant with his baby.

Everyone tells me with how fast it happened that it was probably going on while we were together, but at this point, I really couldn't care less. I got out of a toxic situation and in a place where I finally feel emotionally stable for once.

The point of this confession though is that I cheated. I did something that I said I would never do, but you know what I don't regret anything that happened. I was in a toxic situation and I still feel that cheating is a horrible thing, but that whole situation put me in a better place.