Death Haunts Once More

*TW: suicide*

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What is suicide when one has family?

What is suicide when thoughts of cutting oneself implore the head?

Is suicide considered the coward way of running away from life?

I think Yes.

Now and then, then and now, I have thoughts of suicide invade the invasive mind.

Why, you ask?

Truth is, households are not what they seem.

Yes, there is food.

Yes, there is shelter.

Yes, there is warmth and care.

But..., there is a PROBLEM.

Nothing ever done is ever enough.

Helping out.

Cooking.

Job search.

Technology assistance.

Homework.

School.

Degree.

Chores.

Work.

They would always say, "Do better. Try harder."

For what have I been doing all my life?

Have I wasted away my life doing nothing?

No, I haven't.

When I told people I was fine, sometimes, I was more fine than other times.

Sometimes, I was suicidal, depressed, and angry at the world and myself for not doing better.

Sometimes, I was constantly sick, fighting fevers or RSV (the new respiratory virus in kids).

As busy as I was, I still attempted to make time for people I value.

No matter how I seemed to others, my life is not a complete puzzle.

Missing pieces of the puzzle are floating around constantly waiting to eventually be found, for some parts of me feel lost, with no direction.

It most likely will not be for a while before I find the missing pieces to the puzzle.

I know no one ever said life was easy.

At least I tried.

I tried at life so many times, IT becomes exhausting competing against my inner demons.

Now that I think about it, I don't even remember how long it's been (these on and off suicidal thoughts of mine).

For certain periods of my life, I certainly thoughts I was cured of these thoughts.

Then, over and over, they came back.

You may ask...have you ever thought about therapy?

Certainly, I have many times. I do not believe myself as someone who is mentally sane.

Have I gone?

I have tried, but, to no avail was I properly diagnosed for my sympt0ms.

Neither did I believe there would be a proper treatment.

Over here, the best they can do is prescribe you pills with loads of side effects.

No thank you!

I already have enough life problems.

Rather than stay drowsy with numerous types of medicine or rely on a drink, I would rather be wide awake, sad and sober, while crying and thinking of my life problems.

As a wise person once told me, "It's not good to drink when you're sad."

Those very words saved me every time my mind goes into a stupid cloud.

There are times when I even wonder what is in this thick skull of mine.

Endless worlds?

Endless dimensions?

Endless feels?

Stuck in a cage, I long forgotten what it meant to be truly free.

Just as I was about to give up again, I thought to myself it would not be worth it to give up after coming so far in life.

So much to see.

So much to experience.

So much to miss.

Life is not quite over just yet.

The older I become, the more I fear of losing the languages I grew up with and had hard times expressing (Cantonese, Toisanese, and English).

Is living in the States and growing up in the States a form of struggle?

Is living in the States a way for us to fight back?

That's all we, the breed of dying languages can aspire to hope for.

Since we still know our language, before it crumbles away in our generation, it is time for us to teach people about our language and our culture.

Despite spiraling thoughts of mine informing myself of endless ways to kill someone or myself, when there is a glimmer of hope, I hope to be able to hang on long enough...