Dear younger me

Dear younger me,

I don’t know what I should say to you. Am I supposed to give you some kind of speech? Would you even listen anyways?

You should be turning eleven now. Your whole life will be changing soon. A new man just got introduced to you. I know how much you crave being wanted by a father figure in your life. Naive little girl, take a step back and look at your grandpa. He’s working extra for you to always have food on the table and presents for your birthday and Christmas. He never fails to take you bike riding or roller blading. How many times has he climbed his ladder at the park to get your favorite tattered kite and then repaired it so it would still fly? He even missed work to have Doughnuts with Dad at your school. Don’t you dare forget those memories, they’ll be so precious to you later on. Please, younger me, don’t take as long as I did to see he’s a better father than you ever could have asked for. He’s been taking care of you from my end for 27 years now no matter how many times you break his heart. He shows up every day for you at almost eighty years old. I know how sad you are to leave your grandma too. We will always be like a mother to you, I promise. Be careful with her heart. I know the years will seem to harden her but she’s barely holding on. Try to make some better choices than what I did. Even if you don’t she will love you anyways. You need to stay gentle to your mom. You’ll learn in a few years where she’s been and all that she has given up for you. Just give her a chance. Stay gentle and kind. You’re going to need a whole lot of forgiveness and understanding. This man that your mom is following you need to be very cautious of. You wear your heart on your sleeve right now and it’ll help you later but you need to keep it safe especially against him. You’re already a strong girl and you must remember that for all you will face. There is a bright fire raging inside you. Don’t you ever allow a boy to put out your light. Use your voice even though it’s terrifying. Don’t wait too long and never ever back down like I did. People will hear you and listen. You just need to find the right ones. This man will try so hard to tear you down and strip you of your innocence. Hold onto your strength and childish joy, you’re going to get through this I promise you. Don’t let him win and don’t you ever believe his cruel words. You’re pure, smart, and worthy. Younger me, I pinky promise you that the way men will treat you will never ever be your fault. You’re going to succeed and visit beautiful places all on your own. You’re going to experience many heart breaks but you’ll find that you never fully break. When your body fights against you, keep breathing, it won’t give up on you so don’t you give up on yourself. Be gentle with yourself, how you talk to yourself, view yourself, and what you put inside your body. Just trust me when I tell you it will make a world of difference. I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did. Remember the mirror lies. You are beautiful how you are. Stay opinionated and kind. You can make a difference on the lives you interact with. I know how it feels when the darkness creeps in on you and you just want to give up and give in. Don’t. You deserve a place on this planet. Don’t make the mistakes I did. You’ll have enough pain don’t cause yourself more. You’re going to lose people close to you but one loss will try to take you away too. Find your light and strength your mom and grandpa need you. It will feel like your world will stop, your heart will shatter, and you can’t breathe but every day you will wake up and still be breathing. Don’t let your guard down more will come but I’m here to tell you that despite how it feels at the time you are extremely resilient and you will survive. Don’t try to numb your feelings like I did. You need to feel them to get stronger and to learn how to help your mom feel again. She needs you. You’re her sunshine so shine for her in the darkness she will be fighting. You’re going to want to be a mother desperately. To give your grandma her first grandchild like she dreams of. You’ll be devastated when they tell you might not be able to but don’t lose hope the first time or any time after. Trust when I tell you that there is still a chance when timing is right. Don’t forget to use your voice make people listen to you when you need to be heard but don’t forget to listen to others too. You won’t always be right so just be open. Love yourself so you can love other unconditionally. Don’t be afraid to take chances and have fun, you’ll deserve it. Always be willing to learn new things. Hold tight to your creativity it’ll help in hard times and in good times. Love hard but trust carefully. Never take time for granted. You won’t have forever. Love your family while you still have them. Never stop fighting because you deserve happiness and you’ll find it throughout your life tied into the bad times you’ll find how the light shines through the cracks. Remember you can always talk to the many angels you’ll gain throughout your life they’ll always be watching over you. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and offer it. Don’t settle. God don’t settle. When things get rough and you feel so empty and misunderstood remember you are never alone. Sunsets are said to be made from star dust and so is every beautiful soul so shine, baby girl. Your light is so bright right now. Don’t let t fade out like I did. The pain won’t last forever. Everything you’ll face will lead you to something that will make everything worth it. I lost hope but you don’t have to. Sweet girl, most importantly remember always that it was never your fault.

Always,

Lost 28 year old you