Dear Mum

Dear mum,

As you know this will be my very first Mother’s Day as a mum myself. I have not been a mum for as long as you have but I already know I want to do better. Do not get me wrong you are a fantastic mother; I will always endeavor to be the mum that all my kids friends feel is their own mum in a safe way like you did. However I want my kids to feel like they really can talk to me and not hold back. So here I am, trying to do better, wanting you to know what I always wanted to say.

Let us start with an apology. I am sorry that I took the cowards way out when I was fifteen and had to write a letter to tell you about my depression. I would like to say sorry for all the years of depression, making things very difficult for you while juggling dad as well.

You know the saying ‘punching above your weight’ well it seems you took a 180 degree turn and ran to find dad. He is a reserved man that hates most people and is happy to admit it. You on the other hand are a social butterfly that gets so lonely in that house alone with him. I was made to sit and watch every time you tried to do something you liked with him and he would say he was bored and leave halfway through. Every time. Mum, I was around twelve when I first thought you could do better than him.

I saw how that man reacted every time you suggested he get professional help for his already diagnosed mental health issues. I saw how he said he didn’t need anyone because he had you. I watched as he shut down and would not talk to you for days at a time. I stepped up as someone you could talk to, becoming more of a friend than a daughter at thirteen. Hearing about your marital issues and complaints, getting more in-depth and ‘adult’ as I got older. A child should not be forced to be an adult because their father cannot step up to the plate. I have spent a lot of time in therapy, knowing I would never be able to say any of this to your face. Once again, I am taking the cowards way out.

Moving on from dad I want to tell you that it was a real diagnosis and you should have fought for me. You said that the diagnosis of ADHD when I was twelve was ‘not real’ because they suggested you might want to get tested too. However if I was given medication for a neurological disorder then I am sorry to say mum but it was real. Sorry my downfalls reflected poorly on you I suppose. Did you never bother to learn about symptoms? Because if you did then I can tell you that you would never have doubted it for a second. All those years of being told I could never focus in class or could do better ‘if I just tried’. Years of bad reports and uncomfortable parent teacher interviews. I wish you would have tried to understand that it was not about them ‘just trying to take your money’ but about finding the best help for your daughter.

Next time you ask what I want for a birthday or Christmas present the answer will be for you and dad to get therapy, both induvial and couple.

I would like to take a moment to point out how hard it was for me to confide my sexuality in you and how you destroyed my trust in you. You forced my hand in telling my father, which I was planning on never doing, by threating to do it yourself if I didn’t. I saw the sigh of relief you gave when I said I was engaged to a man. I was appalled when you told me that my asexuality didn’t mater because if I didn’t sleep with my husband often enough, it would be my fault when he cheated. Having sex when you don't want to so he doesn't 'find it somewhere else' is not okay mum. I am sorry you had such a horrific upbringing but the cycle ends now.

Honestly You did the absolute best for me that you could at the time, you had your own problems too. Being a mum is an incredibly hard job and I have only just started to endure it.

Honestly I do love you,

Your youngest.

P.S. Sitting on my phone for the entire church service every week was actually a cry for help. I hated the formalized religion I was pressured into and I blame that on your mother, not you. I just wanted to not be made to feel ashamed for not wanting to go to church.