Dear Mom, it's Complicated...

Mom,

There is so much I wish I could say to you, but now, I'll never get the chance. Complicated feelings swirl around in my mind as I think of you, missing you, and wishing things were different.

The anger, the hurt, the compassion, the love... they all coexist inside of me, conflicting with one another at every turn. The truth is I know I loved you. I also know that you loved me, the best that you knew how. I didn't always feel that love, and days I surely doubted. At times, I wondered if maybe there was something I could have done so you wouldn't be so sad, so angry. Now I realize it wasn't my fault, nor was it entirely yours. Addiction is an awful thing that reared it's ugly head your way and got the best of you, leaving us with the remained.

Not all days were bad. I remember moments oh so fondly. The times when you were truly you, there was no place I'd rather be. Your creativity went unmatched, as we did craft projects galore! Your thoughtfulness inspired me as I watched you take the time to write personal letters checking in on everyone you loved. To this day, I wish I was better about that! You stitched our clothes together seamlessly and never once complained. When it came to parties, you could throw ones with the best of them! I never want these memories to end...

Just like every daydream, too good to be true, this reality shattered every time you picked up the glass. You found your escape in the bottle, but ours was nowhere in sight. Suddenly, our mom was gone and this woman who stood in her place I didn't care for much. She looked an awful lot like you, only sadder. She was so angry and I don't know why...she would argue and pick fights. There was no rationing with her, because her right mind had been left behind beside the empty bottle on the counter.

Oh, how I wish things had been different. How I wish you had the strength to tell addiction he knocked on the wrong door...

To stand your ground and put your family first.

To see what it did to all of us, and what it's done to you.

To avoid it all together before it even started...that would have been ideal.

All this wishing now doesn't do much good. It won't make this less real. It won't bring you back from the grave. It won't heal the pain buried deep inside.

Remembering you is complicated, but forgetting you would be impossible.

In the last years of your life, the consistent alcohol abuse finally caught up to you, and once again, we all paid the price. It ate away at your mind... slowly at first, and then oh so quickly! Repeating the same story from 50 years ago every time we saw you didn't seem so bad. It was a good one after all! Undressing in a public space and putting silverware in the microwave raised our concerns, for your sanity and your safety. Not recognizing your own spouse of all these years, much less, your kids and grandkids, finally drew the line.

I never got the chance to tell you, that these late years of your life, as hard as they were, I am ever grateful for. It was in these moments, where I learned to love you better. I felt deep compassion for you when I saw you scared, vulnerable, and confused. You must have felt so alone inside a mind that was deceiving you. I learned from Dad as I watched him faithfully eat with you every night, whether you knew who he was or not. I saw him tenderly care for you by painting your nails. You always loved them to look pretty!

The roles had been reversed. I was taking care of you, bathing you, and changing you, like you had done for me so many years ago. Mixed emotions flooded my heart. Slowly resentment began to release, when I realized how hard this must be for you and how much you needed me.

I hope I did okay. I hope you felt a little less alone with me by your side. I hope I made you proud. I hope you know your grandkids knew you loved them so. Your greats have heard of you and they will also know the truth, of who you really were when you were truly you.

When I get to Heaven's gate, I know you'll be there to greet me with a smile and a soul that's finally free.

I love you, Mom.

Love, me