Dating While Fat

For most of my life, I was the skinny girl. I had a goal weight, and if I’d punish myself with a diet if I were even a pound above it. Who could blame me? I was a teenager during the 2000s, back when we were taught that being fat was a bad thing. Not just a bad thing, but the worst thing you could be as a woman. Women who dared to be thicker were often seen as unattractive, and if a man wanted to date a ‘fat’ woman he had a fetish or low standards. I wish I could say that things have changed since then, but there are still people who shame women for the way they look.

As I grew older, I noticed that my weight was tied to my emotions. I gained weight whenever I fell into a funk. It was also harder to get the weight off, which was possibly a side effect of me being less motivated. I hit my lowest point after leaving an abusive relationship when I ended up at my highest weight, and my life changed completely. I can still remember the first time I tried on clothes of this size. I looked in the mirror, only to be horrified by what I saw. I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks as I hung the dress back up. I felt disgusting that day, and for many days that followed.

Gaining a significant amount of weight can change who you are as a person. For me, I no longer liked the attention. If someone was looking in my direction, I instantly thought they were doing so because I was unattractive. I felt disappointed for allowing myself to gain so much weight, so I started avoiding places where I might know someone. I also felt unworthy of love and stopped seeking it out. If a man approached me, I always thought something must be wrong with him or that he was joking.

When I was skinny, I had no reason to believe a man was lying to me when he told me that he found me attractive. I had no reason to question his motives for being with me, and I didn’t have to have uncomfortable conversations with him where I tried to figure out why he liked me or what he wanted from me.

One time that springs to mind is when I was working at a car dealership and one of my coworkers expressed interest in me. He’d hang around my desk and ask me about the book I was reading. I gave him my phone number when he asked, but I couldn’t help wondering why he was attracted to me. I didn’t know how to approach the topic, so I spent a lot of time beating around the bush. My search history was also filled with searches like, ‘does he only like me cause I’m fat?’ and ‘how do I know if he has a fat fetish?’.

Skinny me had been brave. She would have looked him in the eye and asked him what he wanted with me. Fat me wasn’t as confident, so it took her a few days before she finally got to the point. Sadly, my suspicions were confirmed. He liked ‘thick girls’, so I stopped talking to him. I wasn’t even sure if I liked him, or if I liked the thought of someone being interested in me. I certainly would have given him more consideration if he’d have said, “You’re a cool person and I was hoping to get to know you better,” but most people don’t look beyond the outward appearance when sizing up a potential mate.

Another man who was interested in me informed me that he didn’t mind weight on a woman. He told me this after spending a significant amount of time complaining about our mutual coworker’s weight and making fun of Lizzo’s appearance. I suppose I should have felt special since I was the fat girl he would accept, but I only felt disgusted. What did he gain by making comments about thicker girls?

Despite my weight (and negative experiences), I want to find love, but I also want to lose weight. It’s a weird position to be in when trying to find a significant other. Should I put off dating until I lose weight? How do you even date as a big girl? Do you sign up for Tinder and hope for the best, or do you hope that cute guy in the bookstore will come over and strike up a conversation? Do you have different standards? I don’t know the answers to these questions yet, but part of my journey will be finding out.