Dancing Under the Lights

I am 26 and I am not sure I know my authentic self. My entire life I have been told what to do and how to do it. I try to push back but then I give in and try to do the next best thing. It's always the next best thing.

My mind spends 99% of the time thinking about the next best thing, but do you know what happens in that other 1%? In that other 1% I find my peace, calm and sense of freedom.

Sometimes I chase that feeling because my mind goes quiet and I see the world in a very different light, literally a different light. That sense of calm only happens at night. Which is funny because I am normally afraid of the dark. Most nights I find myself running to the door of the house or my car. If I have the house to myself at night I play music so loud that I can forget about the fact that bad things most often happen at night.

But for some reason, if the conditions are right I look up and everything seems to melt away. All the expectations, all the fears, and all the inadequacy melts away. My brain goes quiet and my feet just seem to dance. I spin and turn like something out of a movie. I live in that moment for the short time it lasts and seek it out when I feel like I'm suffocating.

However, finding those opportunities is hard. See, not only does my world light up but it's the lights that cause it. It's the stars or neon lights against the pitch blackness of the night that I get lost in. They pierce the darkness and shine brightly. They shine against all odds and they do it beautifully. It's as inspiring as it is calming. It makes me think about all the possibilities and all the things I can do in the world, the difference I can make.

I see those sights and I twirl around. I feel like the world is giving me a hug and patting me on the back. Telling me that I am doing a good job, telling me to stay the path. Telling me that I will one day have everything that I ever wanted. When my feet start to hurt I sit down and look up. I get lost in that sight, staring at those lights feeling my battery recharge, gaining a sense of empowerment and drive.

I imagine the future that I want to build and achieve my goals with a new sense of clarity. As I write this I think about going back. Finishing my 10 hour workday and running off to the beach, so I can dance under the stars and have that feeling again. Knowing that tomorrow I have to be up again at 5 am to do another workday. I don't know what's worse, the thought of not having enough sleep to make it through my workday or the idea that I may never come back. That I would drive myself an hour to the beach, dance and sit and that instead of coming back I run away. I run away from all obligations, expectations, 60 hour work weeks to explore the world. That I would forget about my obligations to chase a feeling that may not exist. To chase opportunities that may not exist. To get the feeling that I would be dancing on the beach at night looking at a world of opportunities. I want to be that person, to be that free in my everyday life. I know who I am in those moments but instead of running away to get them I should try to integrate them into my life. My life needs a little more peace, a little more quiet and a little more freedom for me to just dance and express myself. To say what I want to say and be unaplogicially me. To dream big and have my head in the stars.

I am a dreamer at my core, a dreamer that is suppressed by everyone's expectations. Maybe if I think a little less and dance a little more I can live a life that is more authentically me and not everyone else. So I no longer have to run away to find myself. That I no longer have to dance under the stars or find neon lights. It's so easy to get lost, it's harder to be found.