Coward

I wake up from a truly restless sleep. Away from my family. I stare up into the ceiling in the dark room and try to calm myself down. My heart is beating faster than normal and as I try to steady my breathing, I suddenly feel like throwing up when I think about the day ahead of me.

I can't believe it's finally arrived. I know I should've put a stop to this earlier but I'm a coward. In every sense of the word. A real big coward. The biggest one you'll probably meet.

It all started when I met Rebecca at an international convention for the medical supply company we both work for. Employees from every branch around the country had been flown to Hawaii to meet and train with our counterparts from places like China, Australia and Sweden. Bec lived two states away from me but we'd never met before. It was an instant attraction. From across the room at first, then as the days continued we started talking. I was in Hawaii, away from my wife, my kids. A little flirting wouldn't hurt anyone. Little did I know that almost two years later I'd be lying in this hotel room on our wedding day. That's right, wedding day. My secret little affair had turned into something much more for Bec, and I, being the coward that I am, could do nothing to stop it. I tried, don't get me wrong, but what do you do with a strong, stubborn woman, pushing 38, who's biological clock is ticking and who doesn't take no for an answer? Besides, she would've killed me if she'd found out about my hidden family. Strung, hung and quartered me. She wasn't like my soft, cuddly wife at home. Bec was a career woman, a man eater. She was the boss.

I put the idea of marriage off, told her we shouldn't rush things, that I don't believe in holy matrimony. I guess that last part was true, at least on a subconscious level. The fact that we lived and worked in two different states helped for a while. A long distance relationship is so much easier to cover up. There was no proposal either by the way, she organised everything and once she had the idea to have a wedding, she ran with it.

I sat for hours in the hotel room, thinking and thinking. Should I come clean? Should I pull her aside before the ceremony and tell her everything? That would be the right thing to do, the manly thing, but I already told you I was a coward. She had planned for the ceremony and reception to be held downstairs in the hotel ballroom. What if I just ran away? No. She'd find me, follow me, and demand answers. I couldn’t quite believe it had come to this but I needed a way out. I needed to stop this wedding from happening. I opened the top bedside drawer and saw a small box of matches. Now I have to tell you, I'm no arsonist but when a man is desperate, anything goes. Besides, it'd just be a small fire. No one would get hurt but I'd manage to prolong the wedding, at least for a little bit.

I took the lift down to the mezzanine level where the ballroom was being set up. I waited until the staff were finished and I crept through the doors, making sure that no one would see me. I just had to light a match and drop it under a smoke alarm. Easy.

There might be some smoke damage, carpet burns but I was confident the sprinklers would come on fairly quickly before things got out of hand.

No sooner had the thoughts run through my head and it was done. I snuck back out into the hotel lobby and waited for the alarms. None came. Not as quickly as I expected anyway. It was the screaming and panic I heard first. Little did I know there was another wedding before ours, already taking place in the room adjacent. The next thing I remember is the doors of the ball room opening and 100 or so guests running and screaming, genuinely scared for their lives. Following the crowd was a huge plume of greyish smoke that quickly engulfed everything around it.

The hotel was evacuated and everyone assembled at the muster point outside. My eyes were focused on the bride and groom of the wedding I had just destroyed. They and their guests were going to be treated for smoke inhalation and I heard someone's hand was burnt. I couldn’t take my eyes off of them. They were devastated. Their whole day was ruined. I'd given them a terrible start to their life together. What had I done. The feeling of guilt and anxiousness consumed me and as it bubbled up inside me I got angry. Angry that I had done this, angry that I was responsible for ruining lives. My own, my wife's, my kids, Bec's and this innocent couple in front of me. The whole situation triggered something in me. A fire had been lit not only in the room but also in my gut, my soul. I had to come clean to Bec and end this like a man. I'd lose everything, I know she'd tell my family, but it had to be done. I was sick of being a coward.