Challenges with Nothing

Moving myself and my children into an unknown town and unknown surroundings can make things difficult, but to move into a dwelling that would surely be unfit for any family was not my idea of a good time. Electric went out every time it stormed, tornadoes went overhead like butterflies on steroids, and the water stopped running from the well near the dwelling, so hand pump it turned out to be. I realize that this sounds like really unfit surroundings, and believe me when I say that now I would fully agree, but at that time there was no money, and no home to go to. Hopelessness can be a hard thing unless you have experienced it yourself. Its hard to drag yourself out of it.

My spouse decided to take me away from everything i knew, but i never realized that this dump would be my new home. Luckily it was Springtime, and with elbow grease and a little prayer, I had made this place livable, mostly. A few cans of paint, some curtains, our own furniture, a few rugs, and it was a homey place. In-laws lived just around the block. The only thing that they did for us was once a week bath in a real shower. We had to bring our own towels and soap. I was still learning what I had gotten myself into after even a few weeks still learning how much I had made the worst mistake a person can make. Going someplace blind is not advised. Regret and anger swept in one day when the water decided to no longer be pumped out. By this time, I had no phone, no car, and the furnace was on its last leg. Believe me when I say I could have 'spit nails' at anyone that said it was going to be okay. It would never be okay. But in my mind, I thought to myself ' I will work it out, for the kids'. Strength was not my strong suit, physically or emotionally. Being an abused spouse, you learned when to keep quiet, which was alot of the time. I became devious, caniving, and very manipulating myself. I was not mentally ill, so I always told myself, but I realized later in life just how much I was.

By this time, my spouse had decided to leave me in this god-forsaken place and move in with his parents, leaving myself and my children to fend for ourselves. You know, when life dictates that you show others you can fend for yourself, you decide the challenge is on. I had learned very quickly how to cut wooden pallets my spouse brought to cut into firewood, using an electric saw with the electrical cord laying in the snow. Being absent minded, I never once thought until later in life how many times I could have electricuted myself. Thinking better of this situation, I changed my mind often to going into the woods of the nine acres of land and cutting small trees down for heat. This I did during the day while the kids were in school. Decided not to go during the evening hours, there was coyote and wild dog packs, and I did not see myself as being dinner. One evening coming home from work, kids in tow, I walked into the trailer and smelled smoke. Spouse passed out from drinking, and the wall on the other side of the woodstove was smoking. The wall was on fire. So I did what I could, used an ax I used for trees, knocked out the wall, then poured water on it to put it out. He still slept soundly. The house could have burned down with either him or all of us sleeping and we would have died. I learned from others after this event that it takes about 5 minutes to engulf into flames. My opinion, it would have taken 30 seconds.

During the winter, with water jugs and sled and kids in hand, I walked 2 miles in snow to go to a nearby small grocery store to collect water from their water faucet, which during the spring and summer was more convenient. The kids got to buy a small treat once I was done with the water, the joy on their faces made the trip a little more memoriable. Spouse thought, I guess, that bathing was a necessity when the Child Protective Service came because the teachers were complaining that the kids stunk. Sometimes we got enough water to do some laundry in the tub and wring out and dry on the shower rail or on racks near the wood stove. But having kids take baths was always a problem..about 2 inches of hot water in the tub per child to wash in. I myself, bird baths, just to conserve water. The water we had from the well before it dried up had to be boilded and cooled.

We had a small pond full of fish....rock bass. If you know anything about these fish, they taste like the name, being ground feeders. They have a vein on the bottom side, a mud vein, I learned very quickly that if you remove this, the fish was not that bad. These fish was mostly eaten in the summer, because in the winter there was no way to safely fish. Yes, there was ice, but too thin to walk on, and too hard to just throw a lure into. I also learned how to hunt a little and skin animals. After the first time doing up a rabbit, I tried not to do it very often. I knew I had to sometimes, even knew that protein would be a big help. Rice in milk, or something simple, a lot of sandwiches and salads, and meat bundles from the grocery stores helped alot. But if it did not go far enough, I was out doing my thing.

My AHA moment was when I was in the dwelling with the children, and my fathful dog kept barking, and would not be quiet. I looked outside and my small yard was on fire. The burning garbage had blown out, and a small fire was going toward the fuel oil tank. Not knowing if it would explode, and I put my kids to work. Remember, we have no water flowing, so while these small children tried to keep the fire at bay, not having a car or phone, mind you, I went up the hill running to see if the farmer in the house up the hill was home, and to my dismay he was not. I headed to the other side of my property and again, no one home. By this time, half of my yard was gone, but the girls, bless their hearts, had did what I had told them. They used the nasty water with pots and pans in hand and kept it away from the tank and the dog. After getting the fire out at last, I had inhaled enough smoke to have trouble breathing. Not that needed an ambulance, though there was not any way to get one, just very much coughing and very uncomfortable. Spouse came over later that night to check on us, and never did notice the yard or the situation I was in. He went back to his parents warm home, drank coffee, and watched the football game he had waited for all week.

You know, that sometimes a person can be manipulated and brainwashed into thinking that all is okay. But so much had happened, and so much that i cannot write down, and thanks for a kind lady who took us all, myself and my children out of this place, gave us a place that was safe, warm, and showed kindness to a damaged mind like myself. She game me my voice back to say "no more".