cOmE bAcK

The horrified scream that came out of my mouth repeats itself in my mind everyday. I try my best to blame someone else but I know it's my fault. How will I live with this? My favourite person is gone, and for what, to prove a point to me? A peaceful family vacation is all I asked for. After the year I had my dad felt it was owed to me to take me on a trip, so who am I to say no. Truthfully I don't know how he is paying for all of this, after all the therapists sessions and medication treatments I know we hit our limit and are in debt. After being diagnosed with depression everything in my life went by like a blur. Ask me to recall a memory and I will miss major details, apparently this is called “foggy brain”. My dad has been my primary caregiver after my mom got sick a few years ago. She's in a home and has know idea about what has been going on in my life but I think it's better that way. The more people that have to hear my shit is the more people who deal with my shit. I think my dad finally took my mental illness seriously when I tried to end my own life. Ever since he has not been the same with me, he says he wants to help understand me but won't sit down and have a conversation with me. This is why I feel this vacation is going to be weird but I appreciate what he's trying to do so I'm going to go.

The second we arrived in Florida right across from the airport was a crystal clear bright blue body of water. I took a deep breath in and felt like I found my safe place, finally feeling like I'm able to breathe at peace. Dad noticed the look in my eyes and took me straight to the beach. We both decided we would spend the rest of our trip here, together. Everything was going great until dad and I got into an argument I never wanted to have. Dad claimed he is the reason I am getting better and I opened my mouth knowing when I am filled with rage I say stuff I don't mean. Of course my narcissistic self had to win this argument and said “if you can do one thing in your life that is truly to help someone else and not to make yourself seem like a good person I will agree that you are a big reason for my improvement.

With every bone in my body I regret that statement, because this statement will now haunt me forever.

When I woke up the next morning before I went to the beach I wanted to check if it was cloudy or not to know if I needed sunscreen. I was beyond surprised when I saw a storm was coming, but I knew it couldn't be that bad. By that time I stayed in the hotel hoping that the storm would pass during the day and I would go down to the beach later in the evening. I kept an eye on the clock on my phone and finally saw it was 6pm, so I thought I should probably head down now and get a quick swim in. I was hoping dad would be there so I can apologize because I have felt extremely guilty. The second I made it to the beach I was overwhelmed with how big the waves were. Right away I wanted to find my dad and make sure we got out of here knowing no one should be anywhere near any sort of body of water right now. Lifeguards were blowing their whistles louder than I can hear myself think and I was beginning to feel unsteady. I had a feeling in my gut something would go wrong soon. I finally saw dad packing up his stuff and I ran up to him and wrapped my arms around him as tight as I could. He wasn't saying anything but I knew he forgave me with the look he gave me. Suddenly screams and cries for help were capturing everyone's attention. Everyone kept on running and I knew dad and I should too but he wouldn't move. I was beginning to get upset with him so I looked at him in his eyes but he was already looking at something else. He was staring at a couple drowning in the waves, the ones screaming for help. I knew they were a lost cause when the lifeguards were not even willing to help them so there was no way anyone else was going in there. Dad looked at me and said I love you. As he was running into the water I screamed at him to come back. My foggy brain syndrome must have come back because every time I recall this moment it is blurry in my mind. As dad was running into the waves to save these people I fell to the ground knowing he was doing this to prove my statement wrong. He wanted to be my hero.

I never saw dad again. All day and night the only thing I can think of is my scream for him to come back. I miss him more than anything. Appreciate the ones you love as everyone has different ways of showing they care. I'm glad your back says mom's nurse. Thank you for listening to what I say while walking to find mom for the first time in years. . Time to go talk to mom and make her feel understood just like dad made me feel. Goodbye...