BEING A VIRGIN AND SAVING MYSELF FOR MARRIAGE AT 21.

Sexual intercourse.

Growing up as a kid in an African household, sex education was not as popular as it is right now. Its actually in Africa that you'll notice a family with lots of children but you'll never spot the parents showing any kind of displays of affection. However, as years went by, it got better due to the ability to access information online.

Now, you must be wondering how a 21 year old is still a virgin in this sexually aware society where lots of people have sex on a daily. Trust me, you are not the only one. There's days I have hated myself for being a virgin. For not being able to experience it. For waiting. For failed relationships and displeased boyfriends.

Come to think of it, I've never really wondered why I actually made a decision to wait. It was probably because I wanted to experience it like in the movies with flowers and rose petals filled with wonderful orgasms with a lover that I really like. Or rather I just want the sweaty messy kind that's quick but still very much pleasant in the backseat of a car like Otis and Ruby in the series Sex Education.

Then I figured. it most certainly is that emotional baggage filled with childhood trauma that's shaken me to the core. That's made me feel afraid to put myself out there and know what it feels like. I'm not one to talk about how I feel because when your life is filled with so much childhood trauma as a kid, its difficult.

I may have made a decision to wait till marriage due to religious reasons. But now when I think of it, It's way much more than that. Since my parents separated when I was seven, I saw how terribly it affected my mother to the point where she had to go to hospital and be admitted. This made me fear getting attached or even bonding with people. I still have trouble establishing meaningful connections and long lasting relationships.

What is more, growing up that space made me live by the books. I saw lots of lives being ruined because of acts of passion. People going psycho with PTSD, depression and anxiety. I know, this really sounds like its coming from someone whose afraid of commitment. But maybe you are right. Maybe I am afraid of committing and losing my virginity.

And yes. Many of you might actually read this and say that its not that big of a deal but what if it is? What if it's more than just getting orgasms for me? I have constantly been hating how I feel about my sex life. I've watched the movies and read the books. But what if fiction is actually just fiction? I've googled all the reasons why no one would want to date a virgin or why virgins are considered to be high maintenance. LOL. I actually am high maintenance.

I guess when it comes to some things you'll never know about them unless you experience them first hand. Boy I can't wait to be ready. Can't wait to experience this act that binds people and makes them feel all "glowy" and good.

Dopamine. It's what everyone wants. I don't understand it simply because I have never experienced it. There's days I have thought about calling those exes and getting it done. There's days I've just wanted to meet a random stranger and scrub that itch. I've hated myself for not being ready.

Maybe I just want reassurance that it's not so bad and it's effects are not so raw. Maybe these are the perceptions of a 21 year old whose been heartbroken. Maybe if I could just see a therapist,.. wait... therapy? Bummer I can't afford it! Maybe I'm just being subjective. Maybe.

Yours Truly,

Sting Ray.