At Last

When I was planning my wedding back in December 2010 - June 2011 I picked the song, “At Last”, by Etta James as the song to dance to with my husband for the first time.

I wanted to elope and run off with him. He wanted a fancy wedding, but he didn't talk with me about what he wanted. Instead, he told his mom about how he felt and then I just didn’t have a say. We were having “the big fancy wedding” because he and his mom agreed that’s what we were doing. Unfortunately, I wasn’t in a place in my life where I felt I could stand up for myself and explain to him that I wanted the two of us to have that conversation. Though that was the kind of woman he wanted in me. He didn’t want a strong woman, he wanted someone who felt smaller than he felt about himself. I felt really upset with the way he handled that situation with me but I planned the stupid wedding anyway.

Everyone thought I chose the song, “At Last”, because I felt like I finally had my husband “at last” but that song was actually just for me.

“At last,” I get to escape my bloodline. No more judgments about who I am. No more judgements over my likes and dislikes. I could finally start to get to know myself and uncover what MY opinions, feelings, and beliefs were without the stress of being surrounded by my bloodline. I thought I finally did it. Leaving my bloodline behind me.

No, what really happened was I married a boy (not a man. I don’t care that he’s in a man’s body) who deepened the emotional and mental abuse. You can’t run away from your problems; you have to do the inner work so that layer by layer the patterns disappear or just stop bothering you. I didn’t know anything about doing the inner work at that point in my life. My parents, more specifically my father, have been the root cause of the emotional, mental and spiritual abuse that I really needed to work through.

As a young child I felt bored and unhappy with life, feeling like there was more to life. As I grew older, in my pre-teens and teen years, I was the only one not feeling excited when my father came home from work every day. I couldn’t understand why I felt like something was wrong when he came home.

It really wasn’t till the only car accident I experienced in February 2023 that I became fully awake to who my father really is. After the car accident I had a feeling that he took money that belonged to me.

A couple years back my father sold his truck to me, and I stupidly did not bother with switching the title of the truck to my name. I thought that on some basic level I could trust my father. After the car accident he was able to take the money through the car insurance and use that money to buy a truck, that made me feel really unsafe the entire time driving it and bought himself some equipment (computer stuff) for making his music.

When I asked my father about the money, he said there was no money that came through even though he was able to get a truck and his new toys to play with. All he said was, “I moved money around.”

Sometimes tower moments have to happen for us to wake up. The car accident had to happen so that I could fully realize what my father was capable of with me and everyone in his life. He is not mature enough to man up to when he messes up, so he lies and then gaslights.

From there I decided that I had to pretend like everything was ok as much as I could to survive his household. I wanted the adult conversation with him that he is not going to ever participate in with me. So, pretending everything is ok while being who I am had to be the plan.

As an intuitive you don’t need facts you just need to trust your intuition. Doing the inner work and embodying my-self-love since February 2023 has saved my life. Even before then, the work deepened from that point since the car accident.

This blog is here to remind you that your inner child, your shadow areas, and your tower moments are your most precious life teachers. Even when something feels uncomfortable, lean into yourself anyway. Love all of the parts of yourself to move forward with your life.