An ode to being lost in life

Because when you just dream about it in your heart, work hard for it and believe in the universe to perform its magic, it conspires in the best-designated ways to make your dreams come true. I have always believed in the higher power, something beyond the fathomable vision of the human eye that beholds us, ties us to our purpose and protects us in times of uncertainty and dejection. It is comforting to know that some mighty and divine force beckons us in moments of need and sometimes all we need to do is let go and have faith. Life in its truest mirth often transcends through the truces of rationalisation and delusion, through the light of knowing exactly what to do and under the traces of pretence which hides the scariest part, not having a single clue as to where your life is going.

I sometimes wonder what my existence would look like if I had a perfect plan, if I had stridden in the utmost surety of things, of knowing the right path to take, the most embezzling moves to make and the perfect words and couture for every occasion. The thought of being the best in every move I make and every phase of life I go through sure sounds alluring, but the truth of life sure goes far away from it.

As ensnaring as we want life to be, I come to the realization that it is more convoluted than it seems to be. Through the gleaming crevices of my quest, I wish I had a thousand more lives to make things right, to erase all the darkest parts of my existential bane, to call all my love back that I gave to the wrong people and circumstances, to undo my mistakes and to go back and make the choices right. Don't we all wish for our secret Doraemon, a secret magic tool to propel the footsteps of time in their reversal? But life doesn't come with a retake switch, does it?

Everything that happens, it does for a reason. In moments of grief and uncertainty, I want to erase all of the ounces of grief, mistakes, errors and pain that led me into nothingness. But as I look back on the journey of life, I would not like to change any part of it. I always thought that if I steered clear of any roadblocks or dejections, or kept it under the stark anonymity, my life would be easier. But truth be told, I much rather have a life full of mistakes and roadblocks and pain and darkness than live an existence that belies to have no essence of being alive. I much rather risk it all and put all my heart and soul into it than play it too safe. It is not because of wanting it all but much rather to the light of the authentic truth of who I am as a person.

To live a life full of memories, to have the success, the love and the experiences I so sincerely seek, I accept who I am as a person. We grow through the ounces of terror to face the trances of joy, we experience melancholy to wholeheartedly learn to accolade merriment and our soul experiences moments of disdain only to be leaping in moments of delight. Every beauty that exists in humanness meets with the parts of the shadows of unhealed and subconscious beasts. The unyielding parts of us that every one of us wishes to hide only to finally come to a realization that they are as deserving of love as the parts of our radiant qualities are.

I ponder over the question of what the true essence of my life strives to be, and what is my true purpose and I am still in confounding conundrums of confusion. But I come to the conclusion that maybe that is what life is all about- an enthralling quest of light and dark, success and failure, a trance of beauty and its beast, of knowing and being lost, of finding and losing it all and most importantly the surmounting ray of hope that the universe always conspires in our best interest and all we want is always on its way to us

-Hridya Sharma