Am I Gay? A Sex Worker’s Guide to Understanding Desire Beyond Labels

Four Years on a Phone Sex Line: What I Learned About Desire and Identity

For those who don’t know, I spent about four years working on a phone sex line. Though I’m no longer on the line, I still carry with me many memories of the conversations I had and the people I helped. I want to share some of the insights I gained during that time—especially around questions about identity and desire that came up more often than you might think.

If you’ve never called a phone sex line or experienced phone sex yourself, you might be surprised by the wide range of topics and emotions discussed. The line I worked on catered to all kinds of kinks, fetishes, and curiosities. But beyond the fantasies, many callers came with real questions about their sexuality, their desires, and who they truly are.

When Desire Confuses: A Caller’s Question About Being Gay or Bi

One call I remember vividly was from a man with a quiet, hesitant voice. He wasn’t one of my regulars. He began with, “I need to talk something through with you.”

He shared that his ex-girlfriend had cheated on him. The pain in his voice was palpable—being betrayed by someone you love is never easy to talk about. Then came the twist that made him question everything about himself: “Thinking about her with another man turns me on.”

This kind of kink—often called cuckolding or hotwifing—is not uncommon. But what worried him was whether this meant he was gay or bisexual. He said, “I can’t stop picturing another man inside her. Does this mean I’m gay or bi?”

The Complex Nature of Sexuality and Fantasy

The truth is, human sexuality is complex and doesn’t always fit into neat boxes. I gently asked him: “What is it you like about it? Are you attracted to the other man, or would you want to be with him sexually?”

After a pause, he said no.

“Are you attracted to men in general? Is there any man you can imagine having a physical relationship with?”

Again, the answer was no.

He just liked the idea of other men having sex with her.

In that moment, I told him that didn’t necessarily mean he was gay or bisexual—it was a fantasy tied to his emotions about the affair, not an indicator of his sexual orientation.

Why Labels Can Be Limiting and Harmful

This conversation is just one example of how people get trapped by labels when it comes to sexuality. Men who enjoy anal play, cuckolding, or lots of physical affection are often told they’re “too feminine” or “must be gay.” This kind of thinking is limiting and often unfair.

Why do we force people into categories? My boyfriend has faced criticism for being affectionate, as if warmth is a gendered trait. Meanwhile, women who enjoy sex toys or don’t orgasm at the sight of a penis aren’t forced into labels—why should men be?

Sexuality is a spectrum. People should be free to explore desires and intimacy without judgment or pressure to fit into a particular box.

The Role of Sex Work in Exploring Sexual Identity

Sex work often carries a stigma, but it can be a unique space where people explore and understand their sexuality without judgment. During my years on the phone sex line, I spoke to men and women questioning their orientation, curious about cross-dressing, exploring same-sex attraction, or simply seeking a non-judgmental ear.

Many people feel isolated by the lack of acceptance in their immediate circles. They call strangers like me because they need a safe space to talk about what confuses or excites them.

If society were more open-minded about sex and desire, fewer people would feel the need to hide or question in secret.

Understanding Kinks, Fetishes, and Identity

It’s important to differentiate between kinks and sexual identity. A kink is a particular sexual interest or fantasy—like cuckolding, BDSM, or cross-dressing—that doesn’t necessarily define who you are attracted to overall.

For example, someone might enjoy imagining their partner with another person (a cuckold fantasy) but still identify as straight because their attraction to others aligns with traditional gender norms.

Similarly, a bisexual person might enjoy a wide range of sexual experiences but still have a clear sense of who they are attracted to emotionally and physically.

Breaking Down Common Misconceptions About Sexuality

Fantasy ≠ Orientation: Just because you fantasize about something outside your “norm” doesn’t mean your sexual orientation has changed.

Desire is Fluid: People’s desires can change over time or in different contexts—this is normal.

Labels Are Personal: Some find comfort in labels like gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, or queer; others prefer no label at all.

Exploration is Healthy: Questioning your sexuality and desires is part of growing and understanding yourself.

Why Men Are Often More Judged for Their Desires

Men often face harsher judgments when their desires don’t align with societal expectations of masculinity. Physical affection, emotional vulnerability, or enjoyment of certain sexual acts can lead to stigma or assumptions about their orientation.

This double standard harms men’s emotional well-being and limits their freedom to express themselves sexually and emotionally.

A Call for Compassion and Open Minds

If you’re reading this and struggling with questions about your sexuality or desires, remember you’re not alone. The path to understanding yourself is rarely simple, and it’s okay to have doubts or confusing feelings.

Most importantly, try not to box yourself in—or others—in restrictive labels. Let yourself explore, ask questions, and find what feels authentic for you.

Embracing Your Sexuality: There’s Nothing Wrong With Being Gay or Exploring

Before I sign off, I want to say this clearly: there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, bisexual, or any other orientation. Exploring your sexuality is a healthy, natural part of understanding yourself. It’s brave to ask questions, to be curious, and to embrace who you truly are—whatever that looks like.

If you find yourself wondering about your sexual orientation or want to learn more, here are some supportive resources that might help:

The Trevor Project — Crisis intervention and suicide prevention services for LGBTQ+ youth. thetrevorproject.org

GLAAD — Promoting understanding and acceptance of LGBTQ+ people. glaad.org

Planned Parenthood — Inclusive sexual health information and support. plannedparenthood.org

Scarleteen — Sexuality and relationship education for young people. scarleteen.com

Local LGBTQ+ Centers — Many cities offer counseling, support groups, and educational programs.

Remember, the journey to self-discovery is personal and unique. No matter where you are on that path, you deserve respect, kindness, and the freedom to be yourself.

No One’s Daughter writes candidly about sex work, sexuality, and the hidden stories of desire. For more insights and honest conversations, follow along or reach out.