All the Questions

Dream on,

I was so imaginative, a real-life fantasy, living completely in my head. I was making myself feel it for you, even while being far away from you in the distance measured between us. I could feel all of it, hot and heavy, in my god damn chest. For real.

What kind of next level connection was this?

Then the questions start...

Did he feel this too?

Was I just being used as something he could get off to?

All while he lived a normal life.

This is not a normal situation; it is very unorthodox. Very standard procedure for me really.

Was I just a distraction for him?

We have cut communication now, but the questions keep whirring and there is no way to get any answers.

Was I just being cleverly manipulated by him - to make me feel special so he could live his normal life?

OR was I special?

Now is that just me being naïve?

I really do not know anymore.

Was it all in my bloody head?

Is the constant thinking of each other while in a separation a sign we are trying to manifest each other back into our lives?

Is he even trying to manifest me back?

Is he asking himself the same questions?

They say do not stress and to just release from the situation - if it was meant for you, it would find you.

Is he going to try and find me?

This connection found me though – he sought me. The wrong time and the wrong place. We both have mental work to do that’s for certain.

What does any of it even mean?

Is he going to forget I existed and continue carrying on the way he was before?

He started talking to me for a reason, an escape.

Does he still need to escape?

Do I need to escape?

I ultimately would like some answers, but open, firm, and direct communication is not my strong suite. I can’t ask these of him. I didn’t ever wonder about what I was getting myself into.

I will continue to ponder this. I guess.

I continue having the thoughts, questions unanswered.

How long can I continue with this?

Why is my mind so hung up on this?

Is this my anxious attachment style or what?

Now the story envelops further, we have not even met. The power of the internet is an uncertain place. Two souls, different worlds connecting for reasons unbeknownst to anyone.

I don’t want to force answers out.

I later find out there is an engagement in his life.

What is he running from?

Did I give him the best of both worlds?

Why am I so attached to this?

Is it the toxicity?

Is it the confusion, the mystery, the ups and downs?

I do not know anymore, and I feel like I am losing sight of myself with all this.

BUT WHAT DOES HE FEEL?

We have never really talked about emotions, and I don’t know why we would – we get hung up on the good times.

I don’t know why I am so absorbed by this.

Maybe, because for the first time, in a very long time, I felt understood and real.

Is he going to do anything about it?

I cut him off from me on most outlets. I still somehow wish he would work past that and show himself to me. To at least give it a chance or a shot. As crazy and uncertain as that does sound.

Do I not think myself worthy to find someone like him near me?

This whole thing feels like a constant push-pull. A rollercoaster with many twists and neck-jarring turns.

Are we stuck in this cycle of unhealthily trying to manifest each other back?

Why aren’t we content with what we have?

There can always be more after all...

Are we just chasing a deep underlying compatibility that no one else knows about beside us?

What is 'it' we are both chasing?

I begin to imagine what it is like when we return to each other and communicate again, alone with my thoughts I fantasize all the possibilities.

The pulling back and arriving in again, this increasing our desire to connect more. It feels like something we both truly cannot live without; it doesn’t make any sense at all. None whatsoever.

Who are we?

Maybe one day we will both have the answers we seek. In the meantime, let us just continue to plague the others mind with intrusive, obsessive thoughts.

Maybe there is some peace in that.

Do you feel it too?

Our inner questioning won't ever have all the answers we need.

Will it?