Addictive personality anonymous

When u have an addiction and I mean, this can apply to anyone with an addiction. From something as small as a technology addiction, to a full blown opiate addiction. I found the addiction that makes my world fall to pieces are TOXIC relationships. I want to speak of this because, it really doesn’t get talked about too often. I would also consider myself to be a functional addict, I have been all my life. This addiction has been the one to make me hit rock bottom. Not once but twice. I mean it knocks me on my ass homeless, jobless, and hopeless. I kept on running back to it like a fien. It’s like the addiction causes me to make these delusions of the dynamics of the relationship. A delusion that this man loves me, that he treats me well sometimes, and that he really truly loves me. Like all the lies he gave me, I gave myself the same lies to myself. I let it drive me absolutely insane and the longer I stayed in it. The harder it was to control my thoughts, and life was so worthless without it. Sobriety has always been a miserable place for me. I had a realization in rehab that I was actually getting clean from the last relationship. Meth was just a plus. Meth just allowed me to keep the delusion going as long as it did, it was the energy source to allow me to continue to lie to myself. So without the energy source I have found the delusion continues, in my sobriety, but has no strength when I remember the pain, the heartache, the chaos. Anger, hate, and frustration musters about in my mind which helps rational thinking lurk on in. I knew better than to keep allowing this to continue. I keep telling this myself. I was addicted to the drama I made up in my mind. The drama, I craved. Rational thought comes in and explains to myself. I craved it because of the lack of attention, the rejection, the times he ignored me like I didn’t matter, when he so fucking mattered to me, the times when he lied to me, the times when my feelings were never valid, and when he laid his fucking hands on me. I know how sad this sounds, but people don’t realize how crazy you can drive someone when you don’t have any intention to grow with someone, but the other has every intention to grow with you and then some. The lies to yourself continue to eat away at your soul. Just like it does in any addiction. This is why you hear of crazy relationships when drugs involved. They are the perfect recipe for disaster. I have learned in order to overcome this is to refrain from him completely and meth. This combination of chaos has caused me to lose the one thing I hold very dear to me and this was my mind. The wisdom I have obtained the experiences the memories. It has quieted a lot of the day, but some days worse than others. The delusion continues. Cruising through my mind when things get quiet, when I have nothing to do with my hands. I know now the saying “idol hands are the devils playground”. These delusions were simply evil entities that saw, and used my heartache and pain I was enduring as a door that was wide open to sneak on into my mind. It was also an opportunity for another human being to obtain power over me. I will always remember never to allow myself to give my power again. If I can look for the silver lining in this situation I would have to say well, my sobriety. A new perspective, a new view on life something I oh, so craved I just did not know it.