A Voice in Fragments

A deafening noise rings in my head.

My thoughts spin at a dizzying speed, as if I’m about to explode, and in an instant, everything blurs.

So many voices in a single space... I know this will end in catastrophe.

It’s like sitting in a room, staring at a white wall, trying to decipher your thoughts, your gestures, your words, your actions—reflected in a mirror.

And I drift into memories, but they lead me nowhere.

Nothing makes sense in this chaos of fragments.

Suddenly the voices return—criticisms, mockery, denials.

They judge me, hurt me, belittle me, exclude me, confine me.

All inside my head.

My own voice: my worst enemy.

This is what confusion feels like.

This is how I feel it.

Unfinished ideas fill me to the brim, taking me nowhere.

I get lost in the void.

Wasting my time on meaningless things just to avoid facing reality, focusing on what doesn't matter, just to seem busy in front of others—so no one gets close.

Letting myself be guided by people who don’t know the way, betraying my will, my principles.

Incomplete, but not useless—I know I have a sharp, imposing, even arrogant mind.

I am capable of so many things!

But now all that joy is gone, drained—my energy swallowed by a tiny black hole.

My resistance is nonexistent, my walls have fallen.

With no conscious defense, intrusive thoughts come and go freely; they control me, manipulate me, use me.

There is no more anger in me, no more resentment—but there's no courage either.

No strength for life, no drive to rise, no hunger to lead.

That leader still lives within me, hidden beneath layers of flesh, muscle, and bone.

Its scent still lingers through the rot—that’s how I know it’s still alive.

Dependency is the feeling I despise the most—the one that defeats me.

Freedom is something I still don’t know how to handle.

I waste it, then complain.

And that freedom, I trade it too easily for a few sweet words... I ignore it completely for a burning touch.

I let myself become a prisoner to my addiction,

craving a kiss to awaken me,

yearning for a gaze that reignites the fire.

Handing over my existence, my emotions, my thoughts—just to avoid resistance, just to feel nothing pulling back.

I lose my shape to fit into any space,

just to go unnoticed.

As if I weren’t here.

As if I didn’t exist.

That is not life.

That is nothing.

I don’t intend to stay like this—but how do I change it?

Once the pitcher is broken, how do you recover the spilled water?

Am I nothing more than that now?

Something beyond repair?

Was I ever whole?

Why did I fall into this torment?

Did I allow it?

Did someone cause it?

Or was it simply always meant to be this way?

Was this how it was written, no matter what I did?

Just because my memories fail me, does that make them all false?

How can I tell what’s real and what’s imagined?

But really—who would want to imagine something like this?

A moment that destroys your personality, that causes so much pain and feels like a betrayal of everything—

that’s not something you create for curiosity.

No.

It’s something that happens when someone you trust abuses their power,

ripping apart every small thread of love, of kindness you offered—

leaving only pain, guilt, and regret.

I don’t know if my past truly belongs to me, because I doubt my own mind at this point.

But I can verify that experience here, now, in the present, in every lingering scar left by the trauma.

I promised myself I’d forget what he did, so I could move on.

But can he forget it?

I know he has no awareness of what he did.

And though his guilt didn’t last,

my stigma remains.

I come up for air, briefly freed from the grip of memory—

and return to chaos.

I just pile on complaints, or better yet, excuses.

Always dissatisfied, always waiting, but never taking that first step.

Never making the change.

I see how you freeze.

You stay still, waiting for an opportunity that already passed.

Don’t stay that way.

I know you.

I am not like that.

Create your own opportunities.

Don’t rely on others.

Don’t wait for a sign to join the crowd.

Don’t wait for anyone’s encouragement.

Don’t stop searching for someone to walk with you—

focus on what you want.

Choose it. Go for it.

Remember: stay on high alert.

You’re not at war.

But sometimes, it’s better to be selfish.

Waiting on a promise that was never made,

mutilating your soul,

afraid of the next step,

full of insecurity.

That’s not you.

I know you. I know me.

Walk.

Don’t look back.

Walk.

Lift your eyes.

Don’t fear anymore.

Walk.

Roll back your shoulders.

Feel proud of your life—

for having it,

for living it,

for feeling it.

Because you are alive.

Don’t wait anymore.

Just do it.

Do you really think you don’t have the strength?

Don’t mock me.

Live... go on, go live your life.