A people-pleasing, judgmental teacher with no self-worth…

I wanted to just answer like everyone else. The standard, I love my job because it feels good to help people. That sounds so cliche, it is what people are supposed to say -- the ‘right’ thing to say, and it is true. I am a self-labeled people pleaser. I am judgmental. I tend to think my work determines my worth. Thing is, I think these are exactly the traits that make me love my job and maybe even make me good at my job.

People Pleaser. I am able to scan a room, to read the energy if you will. To see if what I am doing is meeting the student's expectations of the class, if the class description matches what I am teaching and if the students will get what they need, whatever the environment. This ensures that they will return, maybe bring a friend, felt something beneficial to their well-being, and better yet find what they didn’t know they were looking for.

As I learn (and therefore teach) about trusting one's body, it brings up the awareness in me of how I have perpetuated childhood trauma and used that against myself, a form of self-sabotage. I am teaching what I most need to learn.

In realizing that it is more important and valuable to lead from my inner knowing, versus trying to control the room by doing what I think they want. That is a lot of pressure. I mean, I am not supernatural! But I am good at it, reading the room I mean, it is the very thing that kept me (and my siblings) safe as a child. And so there is an incongruence between my inner knowing and my outer delivery. Psychics have been telling me this for years, I am still working on it. Class gives me the opportunity, over and over again.

The judgment. To see if someone is in the wrong position, or to know what needs to be strengthened or released feels really important. To assess which series of exercises is right, and in what order, or how to cue for specific injuries or sport. To judge if something looks too easy or too hard — All of these examples require focus and judgment.

I don’t have X-ray vision, I think alignment can be far too often based on aesthetics versus actually necessary but that’s another topic altogether. There is a place where the proper word might be discernment, not judgment this is where I rely on that knowing inside that I wrote about before. Planning to "trust my knowing", or gloating about my ability makes it even more fleeting albeit still very mysterious. In other words, it is not something I write in the lesson plan, or advertize -- even though I pray for it. It is a dance. There are paradoxes that happen in me, and in you, in our minds and in our bodies, this points to the way that our minds judge and label things, also paradoxically. Can my judgment, people-pleasing, no self-worth traits also mean I am able to hold space for others while they traverse challenges and find healing and acceptance through movement?

The metaphors and images I use give me a way to express and make sense of paradoxes, concepts, and sensations and I hope that it gives the bodies that move with me in class an opportunity for them, too.

My worth. I began teaching Pilates and movement when I was 18. My brain wasn’t even fully developed. The role I took on as I taught was also an alter ego. One that took care of me, could be very clear and direct, that made money and therefore allowed me to make my own way. I loved this role, it was so empowering. This role allowed me to parent myself in a way I hadn’t known, and I learned how to care for myself through caring for others.

When things wouldn’t go well, especially online I would spiral downwards. It would feel devastating like I let everyone down, and I was back to thinking I did not know how to care for myself, what business did I have teaching if I feel this way? This virtual venue allowed me to see just how much energy and effort I put into this role determining my worth. If people liked my posts or came to an online class I was a success, if people wrote me an email or left a comment saying how the class supported them I was ecstatic and reminded how amazing it is to provide a service that allows others to live a life in a body that they feel better in and about. And at the same time, what a roller coaster!

If I am really going to be “good” or ever really satisfied, it doesn’t matter if people like or dislike me, as a teacher or as a person. Am I delivering a class or workshop that gives the student a portal of awareness into themselves? Am I welcoming them into their own healing or am I an egomaniac? Am I supporting where they want to go, and offering feedback based on what I feel inside? Am I getting in their way? And it is because of these questions and this whole process that I love what I do.

Oh, and I realized, I am not my work. It is ok for people to not jive with it. It is ok for them to love it, and I can let go of the worry, it's not mine to carry. Working to believe in my BODY as well as my mind that it is my job is to show up and teach a class that feels right to me at the moment. A class that is supported by knowledge and understanding of how a body functions but to also leave space for those jokes, cues, or images that just come to me as I am teaching. Satisfaction, happiness, or enjoyment is an inside job.

The introspection is interesting and exciting to me, and I find along the way I too am learning, gaining strength, and letting go of stuff that no longer serves me. So it’s like a flow, and I love being in that flow (even though sometimes it leaves me flat on the ground) that is why I love my job.

Thank you for asking.