A Name I Borrowed To Be Myself

I am Aarvi. As you already read in the title, it's a fake name—a fake name I created to be myself. Because society and the people around me won't accept a girl who questions everything, who loves to raise her voice and say her thoughts out loud. If I try to be myself, all I get is criticism, disrespect, and becoming a joke. Why?

I have been questioning all my life. People take a look at me and decide I am soft, innocent, and obedient. But no, I am not that. When people find out who I really am, all I can see is disappointment in them—looking down at me. So I learned to wear a mask, to look obedient and act kind when all I want to do is scream at them. I am scared that I will lose myself in the process of pleasing people. I want to raise my voice and say what I want one day.

When I look in the mirror, I look weak to myself because no one is listening to what I want to say. My opinion doesn’t matter. I tried and learned in a very harsh way. Why is no one at least considering me? Am I that worthless? Am I wrong? Am I overthinking?

I questioned myself constantly. But no, it’s not me who is wrong, worthless, or overthinking. It’s all the people around me who look at me and think I’m nothing.

That’s why I created this fake name—to exist, really, at least in one place. This is Aarvi, who will appear in front of this world with her real voice, no filter, no sugarcoating. A version of myself where I don’t try to please someone. I’ll try, and I’ll find the people who will listen to my true voice and appreciate the real me as I am.

Let me tell you a situation. Recently, I got a proposal from a man. He’s known me for a long time and confessed that he loves me. Said I’m a genuine, kind, beautiful girl. I immediately denied it, saying I’m not what you think. I am not kind all the time. I can be harsh. I state bold opinions. It’s not easy to be in a relationship with me because I hate it when people say what I have to do.

I need a man who can stay when I am truly me. After saying everything, all I got from him was, “You’re overreacting.” He didn’t even acknowledge what I said. He carelessly ignored my words as if I was joking. Couldn’t he see the seriousness in my tone and eyes?

That’s when I rejected him. And after all that, do you know what I had to hear from my own family? They said, “You rejected a man who is successful, who has money, over some cheap reasons. What, do you think you’re a queen? Can you find a man like him again?”

But all I want is a man who will take my words seriously and listen to me with respect.

I am not saying posting here won’t bring criticism or opinions about me. But it hurts less when it’s from someone I don’t know and who’s far away.

Is it only me who is feeling like this? Are there people around this world who are constantly questioning themselves over others' opinions and constantly hiding—because they're scared of being judged, outcasted, or just trying to save their self-respect and sanity, or simply survive in a world that only wants to see you as what they thought you should be?

I don’t know if this will reach anyone. But if it does, know this:

Aarvi Nilli is not a mask. She’s the version of me who bleeds out loud.