A Microphone and A Jumping Fox

Authenticity………it’s not something that’s foreign to me in any way shape or form. Ever since I was a kid I'd like to say I was a pretty straightforward and honest person. I’ve never been a people pleaser and If I didn’t like something I was never afraid to make that known to others. This doesn’t mean I was closed off to new experiences or meeting others, it's just how I was. A majority of people that know me would say I’m a reserved, shy and stoic person. A major introvert who could care less about socializing and going to parties, I just loved my solitude. I’ve never considered myself to be this way but it’s sometimes difficult to fully know who you truly are or how you act towards others, or at least to me it was.

I’d say I'm still the same, throughout my entire life my family would always tell me to talk more or “come out of my shell”, not realizing this is literally me being my authentic self. Once I transitioned from high school into college a new world opened up to me, filled with new people and situations that I honestly wasn’t used to, parties, alcohol and everything in between. That was the turning point where things changed for me. I started drinking around 19 or 20. It began with a couple beers here and there escalated to 6 packs, liquor and 24 packs of beer started disappearing in a single day. There was a switch in my mind that made a connection between the lack of inhibitions alcohol provides and my already quiet nature. I felt drinking was the cure for my shyness but it only pulled me further from who I truly am. I was fun-loving, confident, jovial and I guess you could say overall happy or at least I seemed like it. The only reason I’m mentioning this is because it plays a huge part in my growth and finding my authentic self again.

It all kinda spiraled out of control around 2018, I was still drinking heavily but I didn’t see anything wrong. My family did though, I was hiding booze and just doing reckless things. I got a DUI during that time, it was terrible…..tons of money was spent and I was extremely embarrassed over the entire situation. I had a major battle with depression and anxiety that alcohol only made worse. I was doing things I would never do. I was just out of control. I realized during this time that I needed to change my ways and get back to being the person I was before I started drinking. My sister provided me with a journal where I started writing music. I spent long nights detailing my struggles with alcohol and everything that comes with that, while still trying to give hope to kids growing up during a pandemic. That year was a soul search for me and I'll never forget it.

There's not one part of my story I would change because it pushed me into a completely different direction in my life. Growing up I always loved music but never thought I’d be creating anything. The first time I ever recorded vocals, my uncle thought I was just coming to play him some beats I had made, it was a complete push out of my comfort zone and has allowed me to express myself in a way that I never thought possible. I recently did a performance and there was an opportunity to freestyle which is extremely nerve racking because it’s literally just me with a microphone and my brain coming up with things on the fly. It's almost like I was drawn to it. Before I got on stage I contemplated drinking but I just got up and did it as if it were nothing. A couple years ago if someone would have asked me to do that I would’ve looked at them like they were crazy. It was during this performance I recognized my authentic self was shining through and that it’s exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life. I’m optimistic that my music and writing will allow me to follow my dreams and I want to inspire others to follow theirs as well.