A Journey Through Shame and Back

I've reached that point in my life where I cannot believe I'm any better than my parents

I may pursue with seemingly more pleasant dignity than my parents ever showed me

But truly I am vexed so many times over by shame. I live like an automated machine bouncing

from and from and from

In shame aversion

I reached the point in my life I am because I was ashamed and pursued from it.

Now I know I've embraced and am being embraced by as much shame as my parents had and likely even more.

Understanding now, maybe they just turned themselves over to each other

And had me to forgive themselves and each other for the shame they accrued. Created a new system of shame aversion with me in it…with the pleasure, shame, and dignity of raising a Son… and maybe it's not their fault that all they had to teach me was shame creating- shame aversion… because that's all any of this hierarchical life amounts to in the end… pain creating, pain aversions. The same pain we pursue to avoid always amounts to more pain somehow, somewhere, and often ironically similar what we were trying to escape because we always create all we know in the end.

I could Hierarchize my shame, from what I'd least confess from most.

Or from what I can sooner confess from last.

But to build that pyramid would descend me down a pit of self-suppression, self-censorship… and a convoluted game of dark poetry no one would attempt hard enough to make sense of, which becomes the ultimate shame… that I couldn't make my shame worthy enough, pleasant or dignified enough to have anyone beacon it to the outside and into the light, leaving no choice for it but to continue to ensnare me… Because deep down, it's what everyone hates… giving someone else the satisfaction of being rid of something we too want so desperately be rid of… because by shame we are tethered… No one believes they can set free another when they are not free themselves of something societally gripping like shame.

And when I map out this spiritual Maze inside myself… I realize I only have so many rooms to go…and I can build my maze with interfolding paths so there are long treks from room to room without being as far from each other as I'd like to believe. This means I'm not getting anywhere, and I'm intimate enough with each of them to know they are increasing with rarity, from offering any different feelings I haven't previously felt…

Sexual openess doesn't bring about connectedness. Not when people are more concerned with their own shame than they have the bravery to recover their damages.

Childhood doom-scrolling doesn't make me feel younger, or that there are dreams yet to achieve. Take pleasure in the shame of the yet achieved, and indignity Itself with the dreams of what could've been or could still be.

Nor doom scrolling the success stories of others just to take dignified pleasure seeing others make big shame spectacles of themselves for pleasant dignity

FOMO grips and transforms the world

Envy is just being ashamed of yourself when others sustain pleasures you believed you could be more deserving of.

And I teeter on the desire to make life a drug or ride an established current that is itself a drug of pleasure I may not find a way out of if I choose to begin.

No one can give you your dignity back…fight your battles or witness you win or lose the fights taking place within you with ensnaring shame and I can't make anyone care either…I can't make anyone care more about my winning or losing my fight with my demons than they care about the fight, win or lose with their own. Trauma, Envy or FOMO

I try to find someone I'll feel good screwing around with, and I no longer know what sense of perfection i'm attempting for… "good" is a changing idea "perfection" is a word that helps me see the gravity of this psychological situation I'm in… if I'm looking for perfection, experience or subject… I will always be ashamed, as perfection has banished all humanity to shame. If we could have or experience anything perfect it would likely be the end itself. The perfect shame is the only sense of perfection we can take pleasure in becoming.

Local Guys around my age with around my amount of experience seem to dance around me like I'm a shame they know well enough, or one they don't want to know and nothing is interesting to play for if not an unknown sense of shame or to instill a greater sense in another for pleasure or a better since of our own or percieved dignity… guys with curiosity due to a lack of experience either older, with a recent change of life like divorce, or younger seem to be who I attract and the experience gap is something I dignify but also creates a shame…it can almost make me feel like a didlr, implementing the taboo, the element of shame and mountainous knowing upon the unknowing though I communicate my mindset, often better than I should so I won't have to deal with the guilt, sometimes ruining the connection explaining process to others who only want to experience. However overexplaining just to salvage my pride only to result in a lot of missed connections, almost ruins the point in even attempting for whatever I'm attempting for…and the dancing for what I could be attempting for is becoming the scariest shame…As I'm experienced enough to consider amongst the narrowed down unspeakable acts I have left to try.

My recent Porn binge spree hits me like an addict who lost track of his tolerance levels and dosage measurements and I end up on the internet somewhere and it feels…. like the devil grabbed my brain and dragged it across the hottest school playground blacktop during IMP recess Over a pile of red-hot Cheetos crushed beneath the soles of their dirty leather boots.

And I fight my FOMO...

Denying the notion this pleasant brain road rash burns... actually quite good…

Leaving me unsure if I want to quit watching porn now or if I want there to exist a category of porn called "road rash porn" a level beyond hardcore and I can ride my vices there until I need to break the threshold into the next, more addictive, yet-created, pain avoidant, behavioral recipe that saves me from the use of drugs and other things I know are harder than I want to ever give a try.

But I accept, for most, life is just a drug we are living in now…when I understand all the elements that go into it.

Finding the most dignified and pleasant way to dance around shame…

So many places with their architecture I'm fond and familiar with…

Maybe if I hold on to the knowing… that I can see the WHOLE place, I can leave the whole place, or transform the whole place… not just get lost within its veins.

@AMaverickPlot