A Different Part of Mental Health

***I'm putting a trigger warning at the beginning of this post because I know a lot of people have struggled with self-harm. I am pretty raw and open about this***

I have struggled with my self-harm ever since I was twelve years old. Back then it was more or less pent-up anger towards myself. Hey, most people don't happen to like themselves when you're going through the puberty stage, what can I say. It became an addicting habit for me. Back then it used to be the kitchen knives. I used to get annoyed when my mother started making a big issue of the knives from the kitchen going missing. It made me feel better. She judged instead of understanding or taking me to counseling. She never thought about getting me help when I was a child. I wish she had understood. My latest act of self harm was cutting almost 6 inches of my hair all by my little old self.

I really had thought it was a good idea at the time. I had grown mats from depression in my hair from constantly having it in a bun or a ponytail. I made a mistake I will say that.

I used to hide my scars when I was younger, and I hid them really well back then. Usually on my stomach and legs as my arms were too noticeable. I never cut myself too deep. People noticed back then but nobody really said anything. I never really dealt with my childhood well. I was always treated pretty odd, let's put it that way. Truthfully, the last time I cut myself was when my son was four months old. When I had finished with the act, I looked at myself after and said to myself, "This is the most stupid I have ever felt." I made myself purposely feel like shit after I cut myself after my child was born. My partner at the time discovered them and made me feel quite ashamed for even struggling with my own mental health back then. I am a lot prouder of the fact that I don't cut anymore because I do get urges to engage in harming myself like that still to this day. But I saved myself a long time ago. To put things lightly. I don't want my son or daughter to ever see my scars and look at me any differently. But they will see my mental health even if I wish that they wouldn't. I can't hide that part of myself from the ones that I love anymore.

You can still struggle with self harm in other ways. By engaging in toxic relationships, conversations, and behaviours. Anything that doesn't really make you feel good in the long run can be considered an act of self harm. I'm not proud of my toxic traits and behaviours, I really am not. I don't always deal with things in the way that I should but I really have been working with healthier coping mechanisms for the sake of my babies. Writing is one of those outlets for me. I'm so proud of myself for not visibly self-harming anymore, but the deed is still there. The wish that I could, that still exists for me. So Ihappen to let the world harm me in other ways. I'm not proud of the victim mentality that I hold. But I wish, for some reason that someone would have taken me seriously as a child. I'm tired of my self-harming habits and I am ready for some new ones. I want the ways that I self harm to be taken seriously. Even though I am depressed and truly an unlikable person, I have this desire to be loved and valued that self-harming cannot provide for me.

Chloe Rose Violet

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