7 Years

This day 7 years ago was the last time I had anything in my system.

I was lucky to go 7 hours for almost 20 years.

For some reason, I always tend to get depressed around dates of celebration. I should be grateful for what I do have rather than what I do not.

Once again, I did not even want to write this post. It is embarrassing the things I get upset over which stops me from sharing it with anyone. Esp. my sponsor, cause then he going to tell me some shit I do not want to hear, followed up by even more shit I do not want to do, to help me feel better.

If I learned anything being sober... It can always be and get worse.

I still do not like thinking about going to meetings but once I am there (when I go), I feel comfortable and at home. Thats the only place I feel free enough to express myself in a way that I will not turn people off. I am just as imperfect as they are.

Came for my drinking, stayed for my thinking.

The thing that has kept me recovering is consistently doing shit I DO NOT want to do. I am still not fully at peace with it, but I can say I have surrendered to the fact that it needs to be done, like it or not. Thats how normal people operate and here I am getting a coin for it like it is some participation trophy, which is exactly what it is. It is hilarious.

Do not get me wrong. I am proud of being 7 years clean. I was proud when I had 1 day (which I never want to experience again, cold turkey or medicated). It could all end tonight with one bad decision. As much as I try to do it alone, I do not. I have an army of people showing up whether I am there or not, sitting in those chairs so the newcomer has a place to pour their hearts out. Thank you.

This world is not geared for vulnerability. Its crass, sarcastic, desensitized, egregious, mean spirited and arrogant with a thick layer of cocky. Insecure ego mania.

I might as well be explaining myself.

To understand rather than being understood is the hardest thing I face most days. It is the one thing I strive for, even when it does not look cool or grant me a false sense of validation. It is hard and makes me feel like I am odd for not following the crowd. I like my instant gratification and validation just as much as the next person, but I have convinced myself that I am playing the long game.

I noticed I treated strangers better and with more respect than I treated myself, thinking that was the answer. It was not.

I have boundaries today. I am aware of other areas where my addiction likes to transfer to like lack of dieting/exercising, contacting my support system. My love for isolation and procrastination. My fear of failure and success. Blah blah blah...

All these things require action.

Words mean nothing without obligation.

I am good at taking advice. I am even better at being stubborn.

Today is still the most important day of my sobriety. If I stay sober today, I can hope to act on the things I struggle with tomorrow in hopes to be an example for others... Or at least try.

I know, I know... ACTION!