6 November 2013

7 November was the 10th anniversary of my rape. Yet, there’s another part of this story I didn’t share because it was all a perfect storm. Since Monday, 6 November 2023 was 10 years since S sent me the letter, which I thought was a love letter of sorts in 2013, I thought I would share this story. I never shared it before and it may help with healing.

I was a hot mess after Nan died and I often tried to meet random people online to fill the void. In October 2013, I randomly met a Juggalo from Ohio on Facebook. We had a lot in common and I did like chatting with him. Looking back, I didn’t notice the red flags and I know I chose to ignore some. I was in a vulnerable place and it felt good that someone liked me. I ignored the manipulation and confused it with love. Or, I chose to confuse it for love.

S told me about his background; he lived with his grandma and was looking for work. It was hard for him to find a job because S fooled around with a minor and ended up on the registry. S promised me that he would eventually get off of the registry, that it was a misunderstanding and he was diligent with working with the Ohio State Police. That was before I worked in the legal field and knew that there was no getting off the registry. I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. I also wanted out of my situation, and saw S as the ticket out. I could move to Ohio by 2014!

The next couple of weeks went well. S and I connected and we could make each other laugh. However, by the beginning of November, S's tune was changing. I thought I said something wrong. That is when I decided to look S up on the registry. I was curious. He was on there for a few different minors he fooled around with. That’s not good and I chose to ignore that, probably because I was still in the thick of grief.

Around the 4th of November, S started sinking into a depression. He blamed me for that, saying I was being a horrible person by not making him feel better. It got worse in the next couple of days. It came to a crescendo on 6 November, plus I got into an argument with my mom about a future career in library science.

I was a depressed mess on 7 November 2013. When I’m depressed, I can’t eat. I couldn’t eat. I had a therapy appointment that day, I went, we chatted, and it didn’t make me feel better. S only managed to text me once and he just told me what a horrible person I was. That sent me into a deeper depression.

I didn’t really eat by the time I got to the cupcake shop. It was the perfect storm and the rest was history. S wrote me a letter, it was postmarked 6 November 2013. I received it on the 12th. A day after I reported the crime. I found that letter a few weeks ago and reading it now, I could read the manipulation and lies. I kept the letter and I have something planned for Happiness Box 2023 regarding the letter.

I never shared this story until Monday on my blog. 24 year old Jess was good at letting people blame me for things that weren’t my fault, people were good at manipulating me. I’ve worked on that over the years and 34 year old Jess is a little better about it. I may always have ace brain, but manipulation is something totally different.