5 Aspects of My Limerence Addiction

Jordan Knight of New Kids on the Block was my first limerence obsession.

I can recite the names of all the boys through grade school and high school I had limerent experience with. I won’t to save myself the embarrassment. But limerence followed me into my adult life. My last limerent object was my affair partner in a three-year emotional online affair.

At eight months post disclosure of my affair, I still feel the glimmer of the excitement.

It’s difficult to release, because life without limerence lacks exhilaration.

Escape

Affairs and limerence are about escape.

Life has become too stressful. For me, this was a combination of relationship communication breakdown and the fucking pandemic.

I’ve always escaped into fantasy. Choosing the easy way to avoid stress was … easy. I didn’t have any coping ability, so I chose the coward’s way to handle my problems. Instead of confronting my problems, seeking help, or communicating with my spouse, I followed the euphoria of limerence. And chasing the excitement nearly ruined my life.

Experiencing limerence isn’t a choice. If you aren’t aware of the intensity of the emotions, then succumbing to the craving to escape is easy. When I become stressed, I want to escape into fantasy.

It’s scary … and exhilarating.

Ignoring Values

During limerence and addiction to my affair partner, I stopped caring.

I stopped caring about my family and my goals. I stopped writing, cooking, and spending time with my kids instead devoting six hours a day playing video games.

Pleasing my affair partner was my sole goal. I thought about him constantly. I texted him constantly. And I was always available so he could contact me, or play games with him. To the detriment of everyone who loved me, I stopped taking part in life.

I believed this man was perfect. He was my future and my entire life. And I should try to give him everything.

Looking back, I exchanged three years of my life for hurting everyone.

Needing More

Limerence and addiction have the most in common in seeking increasing dosage.

I fantasized about him all day, but thinking wasn’t enough. Truthfully, enough was insatiable.

After thinking about him, then I’d have to text him. Repeat all day, but without satiating my need. When I got home, I was totally focused on when game time would start. First, he’d call occasionally, but eventually we were on the phone all night. Not talking, just connected. Not feeling alone.

Limerence is about finding the excitement. Only one person can feed the euphoria. If you are lucky enough, the other person wants to participate. I would have given everything up for my drug.

I thought it was genuine love, but it was only my mind playing tricks on me.

Compulsion

I miss thinking about him.

My brain prefers to retain the pathways for reward and excitement. Fantasizing about him felt amazing, so I thought about him as much as possible.

That reward pathway quickly became a deep groove. His pull was irresistible. Like an itch I couldn’t scratch unless I thought of him, contacted him. Talking to him was euphoric. Within weeks of meeting, the compulsion to hear his voice was engraved in my brain.

That compulsion often overrode my thinking brain into making shitty choices. This lack of control was an awful experience. I made choices during my affair, and I was at the mercy of my brain chemistry.

Our behaviors are a weird combination of choices and compulsion.

Brain chemistry

Limerence starts the same way all infatuation does: powerful brain chemicals.

The difference is limerence requires the limerent object to be responsive but occasionally reject you. The combination of distance and chase is so powerful to someone prone to limerence.

The highs of limerence are the most amazing highs. And the lows are absolute agony. Yet, I wouldn’t have traded my experience for anything. Only one activity satisfied me. Being with my affair partner.

Dopamine is a buzzword, but it has a huge role in the bliss of limerence. Along with other brain chemistry, neurotransmitter chemicals. Limerence, and my experience with having an affair, definitely mirror what addicts describe.

Sobriety means life isn’t exhilarating.

I can’t say that I’m over my limerence.

Even writing about it floods me with the neurotransmitters and my brain and body respond with a cascade of emotions. Thrill, excitement, euphoria, then sorrow and desire for those to be common again. Daily, I grind my coping skills: exercise, meditation, journaling, feeling my emotions.

Every day the compulsion ebbs further away.