The Self-Conscious Mind

I can barely feel the difference anymore, when my eyes think they see reality; my mind delves deeper into the dream world,

And I wonder how could this be; once I see it and is here, and once it is gone wherever I cannot touch anymore,

“You are an aperture through which the universe is looking at and exploring itself.” - Alan Watts

Did I understand how things moved on? Or am I just convinced they did, as to say to myself - you have the full control - so I can just go back into hibernation. And I wonder, how could this be? Do I understand it, or I am submerged into the unconsious incompetence? Do I realize how far this could go? Or I just embrace reality convincing myself that I have understood the point.

I think the reality is not even real any longer, a part of me wants to believe so, but I know that I have not reached the point to know. Have you ever woke up from a dream and you cannot understand if it is a dream or that actually happened? Trying to figure out if you are affected by what you dreamt of? …and still that keeps you back, the thought, the dream, the vision of what you still crave.

Do I truly exist, or am I just a fragment of the universe’s consciousness, a tiny piece, a mere bit that forms something I can no longer even begin to imagine?

How can I hate it and love it at the same time? I feel my limitations, both physical and mental. It seems I cannot reach the ceiling, or perhaps… even go beyond it. What a realization…! I may never know, and I am bound not to.

Once, I believed that the mind was neither strong nor glorious enough to be judged. Whatever its choices or actions may be, how could one judge them? The mind is flawed by nature; it drifts so easily, deceived by the simplest of tricks. And yet, here we are, believing ourselves to be the jury, weighing its outcomes with mortal judgments. How can we be certain we are right; or even wrong, if the very quality we rely on is not finely tuned? Perhaps it is all just a dream… a dream from which we will one day awaken.

“Consciousness is the sense of self in the act of being.” - Antonio Damasio

I do not know where this leads, and I am tired of trying. Who could tell me there is still more to explore? And if I do, will I find what I have been searching for; or just something that tells me to keep searching? Maybe I am bound never to know, bound to dissolve into an ocean of nothingness, expecting nothing; nothing but more things to explore.

“There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors of perception.” - Aldous Huxley