The Mess of the Past

I'd like to think that I am not as naive as I once was. That the world has formed me into a more self aware version of myself, where decisions and thoughts aren't as reckless as they used to be. Were these circumstances a reflection of my own bad choices? Or simply just wrong place, wrong time? Or was I cursed from the very day that my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck as I came out of the womb?

There are many questions I have about this life. To believe that we are not handed anything that we can not endure is sadistic to me. Yet, we grow from every painful lesson that comes our way. Some better than others, but I guess that is a choice within itself that we, as individuals, have to make.

It's sad to think of a person's life starting up painful from the start. I in no way want to sound dramatic with my story, as I know there are many situations much worse than mine. However, we can not compare our pain to another's, as we are all different and have to experience different levels of pain for our own human experience.

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There is not much I remember from my childhood. I wish I could remember the good, but all my memories have been tainted by the experiences that have damaged me the most. Damaged is the wrong word to use, I guess. To be honest, although painful, my life has turned out to be alright. These damaging moments are really the parts of my life I have to thank for making me who I am today. Again, that is my choice to perceive these difficulties in a more positive light now that I am older. Of course, it's never really the case as the events are happening... Yet, life goes on.

I was born and raised in a third world country, so before any judgement on the circumstances, please keep that into consideration. My father wasn't around a lot when I was younger as he traveled for work. Life at home consisted of my mother, my sister, and I; So it was mostly me and my sister while my mom worked. Across the street lived my sister's best friend, Kassi, and her younger sister, Valerie, whom was around my age. We spent most of our time over their house when my mom wasn't home as it kept us busy, and there was usually some sort of adult around.

This is where it started, or at least where my memories have stuck around enough for me to consider it the start. Most of the time, the days were normal. We would go outside and ride our bikes, or rollerblade; The usual, kids being kids. However, it soon after took a turn.

I don't remember it in full detail, but I recall going over their house with my sister. Unlike most days, Kassi and Valerie had family over. I don't remember the exact faces or names, but I do remember one young man. He had to be not much older than his late teens. To me everyone seemed older, as I was just a young little thing, no more than 5-years-old.

Everyone decided they wanted to play house that day. This was not out of sorts, as I remember my sister and Kassi enjoyed bossing me and Valerie around. Except this time their cousins were allowed to play. Being that this was now a Co-ed game, the boys took their roles as the husbands, and the girls were the wives or kids, etc.

Honestly, the whole thing is just clips that play in my head on the days that I wonder where it all went wrong. Somehow, one of them thought it would be a good idea for each "partner" to be in a separate room and do their duties. I somehow got stuck with the teen boy, let's call him Tom.

Tom led me to one of their bedrooms. I don't remember any of the conversation or how it played out. I just remember him calling me over to the bed. This is where it gets blurry. Me laying there on top of him, just innocently thinking this is part of the game. I don't remember much there after. This is where it blacks out.

Shortly after, we ended up going home. The next day when my mom was dressing me, I excitedly told her all the fun we had the previous day with their cousins. I mentioned everything. I remember my mom's face dropping of shock and anger. She roughly put on my shirt and marched her way to their house. I didn't understand why she was so upset, but nothing else was said about this day. I wish something was said about this day.