Spring to Summer

The time away from the keyboard was deeply felt, becoming a persistently irritating brain itch as hours or days pass without being able to write a word, but while my mind became more focused on recovery from a painful infection, all of the other concerns I had at the forefront of my mind suddenly dropped off. The past week started off normal with my workweek being extended by a day and getting off early on the second day due to a mechanical inconvenience. My work crush was sweet to me as usual, then stepping it up a notch when I came in barely being able to deal with the pain from the infection, saying that I should go home and take care of myself, but I tried to work regardless.

After injuring the place where the infection was boiling further, I left the workday earlier than anticipated by almost eleven hours.

That doctor’s note came in handy but I had a feeling it wouldn’t save me completely from my boss’ indifference towards me, further souring my perspective of working there and tolerating the unnecessary ‘favoritism’ that are placed on jackasses at work.

I still was praying to find another job, this time a part-time job, to at least start the process of going back to college.

“At least with this infection and its recovery time, I’ll have a little bit of free time to think of something else for now… especially with the way things are turning out at work,” I had affirmed after the painful experience of draining the unwanted pus from the infection festering.

Though that’s at least what I thought.

Slowly in my mind, I continued to picture that cozy apartment across the street from my future university I’m hoping to be a student of with flying colors and a successful, consistent track record.

That first night when I’d move in on my own as Pepper and I take in the sights and smells of our own palace free from limitations and relaxing for a day before life continues with its usual ups and downs.

Picturing the end result, becoming the diving off point for the next chapter of my life, wanting to obtain other goals such as completing my goal of graduating with my Bachelor’s in hand, knowing that the ceremony celebrating that success along with my other classmates will be one worth living. I know I’m going to have tears of joy running from my eyes. Overjoyed, elated, over the moon about my achievement once was a fantasy now becoming part of my new reality.

The excitement contained in my body overwhelmed me to the point where some of it will express itself no matter how much I detest crying in front of other people, I’ve pictured it a thousand times over.

Standing at the podium, a valedictorian at the top of my class, delivering a heartfelt speech that surely I’d hope to inspire someone whose a lost soul looking for a sense of direction like I once was, but now shredded that story off with something fantastical yet otherworldly.

My identity has been consistent since I graduated high school, but it would be trading in that image of myself that was out of favor and out of time for one of success that I didn’t consider would be a possibility after the path that I took and the lackluster results that came from it.

I couldn’t imagine leveling up this way. My best friend once told me in an ecstatic rush of adrenaline discussing the idea that “I’m going to be “bossing” up soon if I do it.”

I couldn’t help but to get caught up on the potential of the next phase of my life. I’d have my photography business up soon and make a good amount of money from it, hopefully, then to go to college. “Hopefully put together that book I’ve been wanting to do,” I thought to myself.

We continued to drink up the liquid candies we got from this new tea while taking in the aesthetics from it, contemplating further details of what the future will look like.

I still was worried about finding a part-time job to then put in my two weeks’ notice, starting that semi uncomfortable transition, but God hit the off button on my overthinking really quick.

The pain skyrocketed and all I could think about was to dip my injured finger in some warm water, hoping it was enough to dilute the pain for a while, but hung out for a while because I didn’t want to end a good night with a good friend of mine. I wanted to talk more with him.

I was glad to see his detailing business skyrocket and being able to make some stable money from it. More in fact. He said he enjoyed the extra income that he didn’t get from his other job, stifling his progression towards becoming a teacher for he was on the home stretch, the kind of luck I’m hoping to enjoy relatively soon especially with my aspirations to have my own successful photography business manifesting from mere “chit chat” to actual, tangible actions.

“I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I’m going to make it all fit together somehow and have time to do everything by some miracle,” affirming this privately in my head, knowing that it’s going to take improving my lousy sense of time management in order to accomplish this. I’m going to break through that barrier that’s an illusional disguise of my own limitations to succeed in my ideal goals in hopes of a better life. Just hoping for a little bit more luck than I deserve.

The right clients, the right scholarships, and the right opportunities are all for me to put the pieces together the best way that I possibly can. I dreamt of the day that driving through the heart of the downtown of my beloved hometown becomes a reality. Fantasy, no more.

I realize that I might be romanticizing this new world way too much, but having that goal of moving back to my hometown in some way has always represented “progression.”

When I was writing another essay about that little excursion I took to see my buddy from the Navy in my hometown one ‘off weekend,’ I could have never imagined a pathway back that involves going to college then transferring to the university I hadn’t considered even when I was serious.

I do hope to make more than enough money in my ideal creative projects to support myself and finally separate myself from my parents’ living room once and for all this time.

My heart anticipates it like it’s going to happen, I can feel it in some strange way that I cannot put down into words. The pain was a momentary pause on worrying “how it’s going to happen?’

“Day by day,” I hear God telling me. Maybe I should listen.

Instead of having this borderline unhealthy obsession of always wanting to figure things out, I really should just be free to enjoy each day as it comes and leave the rest up to God because through him, I’ve been getting luckier and luckier as the days went on.

I never forgot to take a moment to remind myself of that as of lately, more so when I feel like I’m mentally spiraling downward towards a crash out. It’s not a bad life.

It’s just a mere difficulty of trying to figure things out down to each detail that I cannot calculate, but God is going to help me so long as I talk to him. My best buddy reminds me of this fact often as well, almost as if he senses when I need to hear this piece of advice.

I don’t know how he does it. It’s almost telepathic.

The other thing I was trying to shut off was the small sliver of “doubt.”

I found myself asking, “Am I really making the best decision of going back to school now on top of everything I have going on?” My best buddy, per usual, had helped guide my way of thinking to conclude that it is the best decision I’ve ever made. I won’t regret it.

I can’t place all of my eggs in a basket that is unstable and probably meant to be for a season or two. It won’t lead to more open doors since it is already a limited company.

I want something more. Something with my name on it.

Wouldn’t it be nice if I could use my degree to either amplify my photography business a little further or to start a whole new business that would complement my goals further??

It’s all possible if I follow through with this goal of getting my bachelor’s. I’m going to because I can’t keep backing out of that goal when I still have the time and the advantages to do so.

In the words of Michael Jackson, "this is it."