SIFTING ASHES :: Letters I

Dear Selene,

Must I actually burn letters to send them to you? I prefer to have relics of my thoughts. But maybe if I burn my memories, you’ll return to me the pure, raw emotions of days past, down from the ether.

So you wanted an account of how I learned to love myself. The story, and the principle of it, is so simple and true that it is near impossible to tell. Having made the journey out of self-hatred, and now trying to explain the process to those who need to hear it, is like a madman trying to make sense of his insane thoughts once he has regained sanity.

But so it goes. Today I came across some song lyrics, which recalled perfectly how I was at the beginning of this year. Maybe this’ll help you understand; the song is DYWTYLM by Sleep Token. It’s sung from the perspective of a man looking at himself in the mirror.

DYWTYLM

Do you roll with the waves?

Or do you duck into deep blue safety?

Is it always the same?

Do you wish that you loved me?

Do you pull at the chains?

Or do you push into constant aching?

Each and every day

Do you wish that you loved me?

Is there something you give

That you will never receive in return?

Do you know what it is?

Do you wish that you loved me?

Are you trying to live

Like everything is a lesson to learn?

Can you ever forgive yourself?

Do you wish that you loved me?

And my reflection just won't smile back at me likе I know it should

And I would turn into a stranger in an instant if I could

And there is somеthing eating me alive, I don’t know what it is

Maybe not that you conceal your feelings, they just don't exist

Do you ever believe

That we can turn into different people?

It's getting harder to be myself

Do you wish that you loved me?

Can we ever release?

Is it better to just not feel?

Can we hit delete?

Do you wish that you loved me?

It’s been so long that I'm forgetting what it feels like

But I'd rather not remind myself and leave it all behind

And I've tried so hard to fix it all but nothing seems to help

But I cannot hope to give you what I cannot give myself.

—

I would give you my best wishes, Selene, but that would be untruthful.

-Saint Fear