See Saw

I saw everything and yet remained silent. As quiet as one could be in such a scenario. Every thing I said came out in in a muffled scream of agony and misunderstanding. The only way that I had left was to torture myself with the burden of reprieve. To buy my time silently waiting for the other shoe to drop, the page to turn and for me to plot my escape. Trapped in a weird fever dream of mistrust and non-emotion. A disconnected connectedness. Everything was connected and yet completely separate. I spent more days playing pretend than actually living. A casual glance from a stranger that said nothing more than, ‘We’re watching you’. I couldn’t help but feel as if everyone knew something I didn’t. Reading the lips of the patron next me saying “I just passed him.” Any time I got out of line I was punished and tormented with the most grotesque of thoughts. The silence was deafening. A loneliness crept over me and felt cast away from society. I felt disconnected from every person that promised to be there for me and to love me. I looked for the hope on the horizon and found none. Only a silent echo of my future that may never come, the love I may never have, and the life I may never live. Torment, patience, torment. The people watch as I move about throughout this life and never help. They only laugh and ridicule. They add to the unrelenting pains and agony my brain endures at their words, their hands, their lies. I hoped to move beyond it one day. To move through it . That hopeful revelation may appear and I may one day be free. A knowing of a certain truth, of a certain pattern, of a specific understanding that would bring me to clarity. That I may be free from this burdensome load was all I wanted. That I may see the fruits of the labors of my agonies and find peace. Oh not now, and maybe not ever. For those who know, know. For those who don’t, don’t. Would it be better to die a good man? Or to live forever as a monster. A shell of your once true good self. An empty basket to which once housed a soul and now only the hollow shell of a once proud man. A fruitless endeavor it is to hold on to one’s soul in a world with that held so many but not one kept. Sold to the lowest bidder for the highest cost. An influenced influencers dream, my nightmare.

What I needed was a free break. A moment to see the path laid before me. I needed to see my calling, my purpose. Something not so diluded by the thoughts and opinions of others. I neede a place to be myself. Not with anyone trying to manipulate and misconstrue my feelings or emotions. I needed someone that wanted me to be myself and that would welcome me without trying to use me for who or what I was. Someone that wanted a soul, not to use one. I saw a path leading me further away from this sleepy old town. Some place I could own be my own person and be happy about it. I was tired of being an inactive participant in my own demise. Specifically moreso tired of the constant manipulation and subliminal mind warping. I was constantly fighting my way back to myself. I clawed my way out of every single dark hole they threw me into. The cataclysmic and earth shattering darkness I had escaped single handedly meant I was still fighting for me and my own individuality. Although at times, I had no clue what I was fighting for. An idea I would solidify sooner than I had thought.