Scattered memoir and The time I first encountered Johan Grimonprez The Double take experience so strong as going for my first Ho hook pai training in Mexico Df

This ride may not be easy for logical mindset it carries jumps and hits and rocks and fast changes it carry the real truth the disconnections of the younger old me from the time of the memoir and the connection of it into One in the very of the inner now it is not meant to hurt anyone If you are a narcissist or another but some inner me probably needed to write it.

It is more to see similarities in between people and familiar experiences of Life

I throw some things out strongly but after so many years of massive violence and abuse no matter which field of interest I was taking even if I had no drive for success rather understand or discover the world and human behavior and help myself to digest it all I found that Ego people never stop the rage it only gets harder in veins and stronger in mind I can't be silent about it and I actually share it all in a very delicate way instead to go deep into ugly details about it with a more noticed observations diving in there it's just not easy

When I write about things I don't know where it will go sure I always have something to arrive from some moments some memoirs that recall it but the whole it arrives in the process of it sometimes being unaware I may leave it unfinished so I deeply appreciate Your patience and effort in diving in to experience it while it is still in the process of being sculpted

This story or better call it life experiences and the way of writing about them will be changing in time as of the processes of healing digesting them and arriving into the smile out of it but probably I wasn't here today to make it fun as I alone dont feel like laughing while writing it but yeah arriving there already I feel okay with it so sure all kinds of emotions are in there I just hope it won't trigger much another or cause something uncomfortable to be

Read it light with open mind without judgment or created image about me cuz thats not the way otherwise you may not understand my language or read from it I notice people tend to not answer for questions or write things from ego in this writing i tried to write things this way just to experience way of another but from a completely different mind that has nothing to do with it and I already know what causes the explanation well I arrived with it where I did and it will sound different to anyone depending on state experiences of life should I care ? I think I should not but I do so that's a difference but I know what people who don't care go through and how they never answer for the question sometimes it is the ability to feel through without Ego not many can go through that way even though its worth it

Opening the heart its simple just by making an effort and have will to do it

I still read a comment or feel it, the last one I got now You see I feel it, I don't even need to read I already feel the energy and closed heart of this person I feel it as a pain in my chest this is how deep how strong I feel another

experiencing life and people this way is more than just hard, to be honest, the pain real physical one is always felt so no healing is not an option in my case I need to try to heal both the one who gives the pain and the one who experience it

In this world there are so many solutions for it but none of them will work if another will not have a will to heal for real it will be always me diving into the world of another and speak their language to communicate instead to write them my own way or perspective on that for some it will be fine they will be even happy open to read a new way of expressing some You really cant as they will respond with Ego instead of the heart so You have two options answer they will still read it their way see what they want see and not reply not even dive into what are you writing so its better to leave them where they are at but i am not this way , only when i have no choice I leave things this way

so living in the world where one can go beyond all as of huge effort to understand communicate with another and its not always possible sometimes being around or attacked by so many of such people we finally loose the heart when we are pushed too far and we dont give another chance we dont bring chaos to this person or harm but politely we open heart more and more we heal to literally answer this person with love peace and openness to get another bollocks full of another kind of rage and harm and it can only be felt it can not be read but when i read i read for real I dont give a shit about diving into another story another words experiences of life You get when You give but You can only feel it, it has no price it lives in Your inside it builds a garden of smiles laughs positive way that comes from the most horrible things people do to another if you go for solution immediatly in your answer to such people which is healing practice you will discover a new real world you will be in no need for reading because you will know all and read information from practices you will read people thru and reading will become a completely different journey but first you need to want to and be able to see to feel and to practice

People who are not born with these abilities can be trained for real and its not about knowing everything about this person but about things that you can sense feel and find solution how to help how to communicate the way of communication in here its a real gem on Vocal really You learn so much from so many people still you need to discover and create things from your inner being thats where the beauty of life, being, creating in here comes for me in here and these memoirs in here is what I love to connect with happiness of another smile laughs, love its the beauty of the community jokes finally getting top story or winning, creating challenges in between them all from where their creativity and poetry pursuing just blossom and waking up or going to sleep who doesn't like to be connected to it, it's all a joy! Creating, writing is the best one especially if people you meet here are enjoying it that much Your happiness is reaching the sky inside of Your head and from there from this state creating and writing becomes even kind of wordplay when fun collides with real-life

Even though there are so many diverse experiences I still try to come back to the funniest ones when I connect with the author without even sharing a word I already feel happy from their being and meeting them on Vocal but there are some connection that left us bitter and sad inside and we need to overcome them with our own being

However, sometimes I get serious because of some situations here and in life

I need longer time to process to analyze as of this result I dive deep and continue my healing journey

Some months before going for Tamayo I was still doing some digital work it may help to have a picture of the mind I was walking with lot's of photos installation with the human and language beyond the language I will share just some as that would be too much in here to dive in for real in the now :

The first beginning I wrote was saved in one Gmail of mine I forgot about it being in a different worlds of another at once still processing I wrote from the new but I found these all beginnings important so I injected them here even if it probably will make a sense just for my state of recollecting what can be collected with the mind and experience about the memoir from further deeper past :

First time I saw it in the Museum Tamayo in Mexico Df it was in the very end of my staying in there

I was coming back to it six times, sitting alone and purely amazed by the whole exhibition and especially by John Grimonprez work He completely fascinated me with his approach and during this time I was watching Hitchcock movies and Luis Bunuel, Jodorovsky and so on all other from the same and different kind of a cinematical space and this is when for the first time I found myself in His world and space the fascination of tweens and the double of me in a non physical state made me sit for hours and absorb from everything that I could feel experiencing it and know and not still discovering the new, feeling it.

It was a moment when everything literally changed in my life and got transformed and I had only two weeks left to visit all the newly created and opened art spots. These are my best memories of being there even after years I am grateful to experience and swim in once more.

As it arrived today in my mind I am so full of joy to recall this moment and experience in the time of now. It can only be felt, that I started to recall almost every recorded picture in me even the bridge which I visited the same day to have a walk after three hours of being in such inspiring and deep mode

I also just said goodbye to someone who was the double of me

so it was from the outside of my recent life and from the inside of the time when I wasn't even born that much important to me

........

the Double Take from 2009 by Johan Grimonprez - finally, I entered Tamayo Museum of Contemporary Art In Mexico City. During all my stay it was closed and I could just listen stories of my friends talking about how great it was and what kind of art I could see in there. They had great news for me saying it will be opened soon so I waited and even forgot the waiting.

Here it was opened in a such heartbreaking time for me It felt like both the happiness from being free from studying and having some rest out of it all but also a feeling that words can not put into names this is where art is the only place to find Yourself uplifting, healing or changing the mindset discovering a new one.

Last time I was walking near the building of Tamayo Museum I was with a friend who never carred for art the way I did and do.

He always made jokes from everything I was doing and creating at times I didn't know the name for such behaviors so I was just living with it and feeling it strongly unfair and nasty. After all is such a initimate act of one another I alone can joke out of it and with some other friend who are part of similar journey in such expressions and We can get in there but someone who doesnt work that hard in it and is not going through what one is going through and dont know a reason from where it all is arriving should be just silent instead of freely abusing. I think being criticized for nothing is even worser kind of abuse someone telling You how something should be or look like without feeling the heart You put inside of it already offering a solution. I haven't got a clue that these kind of words not only go into our brain to stop us to block us but even they may result in having in Your body something that we are not aware of. All I knew was that they made Me and You who experienced something familiar feel horrible and painting was the only way to recover from it and from this world for me. Art has its pluses and minuses the moment of creating was always a process for the mind to find its consciousness back or the truth or come with some other solutions for life and answers but there was also another side effect of it always the public and sharing . Sharing art with the unknown people it differ but if We share our inside with someone who know us it is a completely different kind of matter and in Art abuse was always there as a female artist I can only say that the amount of cancer and endometriosis at the Academy where I studied in Poland was just overwhelming and no it was mainly just females rather males sure all had it roots in the family but how much harm one can take entering new communities and world of creative individuals somewhere there must be a break from it all painting process was that silent break the scream without scream but the places where I was painting people I was surrounded with became a hell for me not leaving me alone to do what I needed to do to go on and to know to be healthier. I don't tell female artists and narcissists don't harm the same way. Yes, they do but the majority of males who hate strong intelligent females who progress fast is a kind of pandemic not only in Europe and in each field.

That was also the reason why I run away to Mexico I just wanted to be free to do what I feel I need to express without the public or critic. For me the most important thing was always the process and the moment I was in with the painting or creating art so that was it. The rest had completely different kind of order and cycles that none of which I could stop or avoid from experiencing.

As a just visitor in the Museum who lived for art and thanks to art that was the only real reality for me during that time and still kind of is but now connected I know much more beyond just art for the artmind. I was just open to absorb and receive all that The exhibition was offering. I quickly went through the names and there was a selection of many of the most inspiring individuals I could not even imagine to have the luck to take a part in it as an observer. My happiness went 3000 % higher and for the next two weeks only the art and all the places with it was my land. I almost felt like it is not Mexico Df for me anymore I was so connected and can say linked to the work I was absorbing daily that it felt like my real Home.

I was amazed that every another exhibition that I am visiting is even more and more better and the artists shared in there They really feel the freedom to do it and have a huge space to present it. After some experiences in Europe where I often needed to give happiness to myself and support with books where new context or theory of what was I watching were making a sense but at that time the places I visited were offering really poor level and tickets were expensive and if You were there with a friend who has no heart for art You even got attacked as if it was depending on You the choice of art in some European Museums. Alone making lots of different art daily You also feel and get much more but in my way I always carry more respect for the work and language for another than for my own maybe finally it is gonna to change but it actually doesnt depend on the creator but on the whole rest. And, Yes It was true I will not mention the musuem now from Europe and country because they have improved a lot since that time and got better and better so the level is the same right now but I mostly think it was the heart and the will of the curator rather something else.

Being a curator You also cant please everyone thats not possible but to be paid and to make another pay for something that wont change You and wont bring that new window and perspective for the light from it, it make simply no sense for me. There is also often a conflict between the curator and the artist invited for the exhibition if allowed they may change the things they are presenting just a week before it happens especially with painters I am not 100 % sure as it was Him - Josh Smith but I think so, years ago He admitted that He needed to change the paintings just a week before opening and when the paintings were already in there and I can really feel it as an abstract painter myself. The way brain of an abstract creator works its so fast in the head even if in the action it may be slower or opposite as I alone experience that especially with the work on paper. Josh Smith exhibition that I happened to be at in Rome where most of the works were on paper and ceramic spreaded in a huge space this was something I was enjoying a lot he also didnt hide that his brain often want to go for painting but his back hurts his body simply can not and this tiredness of the painter and of the work and the process physically mentally it is something that require phases of rest but does life offer us such a rest ? not always We need to alone create a space of the insider holiday and retreat as nobody else will do it for us. I need to say the same I experience with writing being in the writing naturally jumping from one topic to another in the chaos of the reality around which also makes me laugh when I just think how the work is done and written and what is happening all around it is not only funny stuff that pushes it to create and not only suffering itself. The same goes with the exposition the curating and the process of creating the work just for Yourself from the inner need or for exhibition mostly a topic or an idea from where You arrive into a new discovery of You it leads me to just mention challenges in here the one that I never even think I will be able to take part as of not believing I can manage it around so many great writers or poets most of them speaking English since they were born or simply living in the country where almost everybody speak it and I and whole of the rest people for whom English is a language they needed to learn at school or by their own effort and way. Why am I arriving here mainly to explain to You that Mexico is not a country or never was where people believed that they were and are simply just great and incredible many of them or for many USA is a still huge dream the same was for me so such a person they have a better imagination of the thing or people or art than the reality itself of it. It is like colorizing something because it is considered to be one of the best but when You start to travel and truly get to know the life and being and living in different countries on equal rules not as a tourist but as a human You will simply notice how they can't accept their own greatness and from where this root of a problem does come from in us? and the answer is more than easy. And Mexico is not only one of these kind of countries in general people dont believe in their gifts as of generalization of things. We are here to be different with things We can bring to one another not the opposite way around.

As of this result I need to admit that the level of knowledge kindness warmness and ability to be open to be curious for one another as I experienced in Mexico city from so many human beings that are not just from Mexico but they do live in there not many places do carry. Was I lucky to be just at the right moment and the right time and space probably Yes but It was for a reason. The same goes for the school, University, library and access to it all. Apart all other aspects that for some reason will make the Mexico not the best country for all like natural catastrophs and crimes, education and Art is still there and it does stays for years in Your brain these all experiences just tapping in the moment in the memory of it You really can bring and recall all the good from it and the warmness and kindness of another.

Coming back to the Tamayo Museum

I havent tapped yet at the works of other artists as I am visiting or reconnecting with it and with the old younger me, everything in there seems like yesterday art tour as if the time and brain never threw it away images in my head lights especially the ones talking about the hidden reality of what is going on in each country for real. All is in my head I even experience the same kind of feeling happiness and freshness of new better mind and smile inner smile going through them like a ghost in my mind to not bring me down with the news from the outsider reality that was the old younger me..

Why did I choose Johan work ? I dont know maybe because everything in there was just great and if I recall names many of You will know the artists even the work exhibited in there. I just wanted to recall my strong and deepest memory that I am still even not aware of digesting it with pauses. In the process of my writing about it.

As I need to take a break before I will fully be engaged in it I need to write about my Kung fu training which was something I never thought to do at the age of 29 my first reaction when I entered the room and my friend who was still carrying cigarette that made him finish exhausted on the floor at the end of the training and leaving me alone with all unknown people. When I first saw the Wushu Masters and How the students train it, I said no way! You must be joking with me this time I will never be able to do it. It's like an Olympic Gymnastic of some kind in the Martial Arts - How didn't I know what am I even talking about and calling it this way? This only tells about the unknown for me there and undiscovered at that time of my life

We went out to buy water he said I need to change clothes fast cause when The Sifu will come and I will enter the training floor I am not allowed to leave it even for a toilet till the very end of the class. Here we go of cause silly me made it through and guess what I signed up for the training just after the class finished. The warming up was the toughest thing ever I had experienced so far In just 15 minutes it moved every cell in my body than in my whole gym training 3 hours a day from last year so I was literally not able to go on and it is when they have started the real training and teaching I thought the Wushu Teacher is really great I want to learn from Him and loved being in His presence it felt so good. A very peaceful concentrated human being who taught without words but in his own way of presenting the forms gave the best comfort state to learn from Him He was very innovative in the way of giving always different kinds of warm-ups and training the others were also great but I was never afraid in His presence, another felt always in peace around Him and safe a real human being and a real teacher.

My friend who was very good in it He couldnt follow as of His study and mainly as of smoking habit. He wasnt even able to finish the training for which He alone took me to make fun out of me. As a female amateur of Martial arts, I felt it. I felt a passion for it since day One. I had the same heart for it as for Art.

Or maybe the memory of when I first attended the Kendo named "the way of sword" - three day training for the first time in Life again this time it wasn't Mexico but Germany it was the same kind of feeling when You meeting Your double and a passion where You discover Yourself. Something new and hidden gifts are arriving nobody knows from where this time it was even something much harder the sword was smashing fast or touching Your head of cause You had it covered with the "Men" a kind of a helmet I don't know the proper English name for it if any of it exists. Still, at first, I couldn't get it why (smash)touch the head? It wasnt about it but You needed to go through it as a part of the training again the training the warm up that was already a lesson for life and health sure I loved it even if it lasted just three days I was appreciated by the trainers from Japan so I was happy inside it was just a taste but I felt it too and I was only good at it from the start as of my already qigong practice that was very minimum comparing to the now only cuz I did maximum before so my mind where tapping fast being a vegan during that time also helped with the training and carrying energy without absorbing others was what I loved about it the most even if my ex boyfriend was training there too and was the reason I was in there I had great Joy and experience, why I couldnt continue it just guess maybe You will figure out the answer I was already 35 years old haha but as of diet and qigong it was no difference between being 29 I had even more health and more energy and Love when We are connected it just does work all no matter the age ! People who trained with me were much younger or much older I loved it everybody felt like it was a new life and new hope for them! One older Japanese Master gave me his bamboo sword to practice as I had nothing with me I was like Woaw such a kindness and equal approach in between Teacher and student is where I come from myself. Still, there is no real answer to why I wasn't able to continue but Life circumstances and God and the Universe sending me for another of the hardest missions in my life! But do we need answers to questions?

Diving back to the work of Johan and other artists from Tamayo

Answers?

Do we really need One ? for real. Nevertheless, all these comparisons are still not enough will need to paint it or create from the experience of it again now which I did as fast as I came back home I was doing it before and I was doing it even with more breath and love and a holographic company of other artists works that I was connecting with into their mind and a state. This time I could be in the inner me and it met me with myself the very inner self that goes even much deeper and further so probably that is why I mentioned His name and recalled His work. I gave the link to the movie to the work so that You can enjoy it on Your own review it by Yourself and experience it with Your own mind and moment in life. I think giving my own observations and review to it will be just not useful in this sense which may arrive in some other of my story but this one is completely about something else still ..

When I entered the room with Johan Grimonprez movie I felt like I am facing myself again but in a completely different context of my own and the world I carry in. Like I am facing Him and the Double me over and over again with all the layers of life of Hitchcock the history and myself again. Beside the fact I am facing something completely different than Hitchcock and Grimonprez I am not a narcissist but I can feel them I can feel their world what they are going through their fears insecurities panic attacks even before meeting the person online in real or through their own work

About the narcissists I feel their strong power of abuse but I found a way for it and it has nothing to do with psychology. The Double Take for non narcissistic people will mean completely something different and they will arrive into so many different things We are all human but human do choose to do good or not so I dont go for equal rules between narcissist and empaths as long as empaths has zero chance with a narcissists or rules beside discovering a new territories of life and in life this is where I arrived at paradoxically in the Double Take

I am sitting there in the dark room people come their energy seems good so I can continue my journey without the need to leave the room before it will be full of discomforting emotions

I am confronted with something or someone that I have found and left and it's more than just painful and only His work was the first phase of healing from it reviewing things from a completely dark light the one You carry inside of You to become bright! It's a process It can start ten years ago and come back through different phases throughout all Your life but if You heal information will be more and more digested and lighter and lighter reaction of Your body and mind will be much less until they will completely disappear and You will simply don't mind. It will be cleaned from the memory of the information Your body and brain do carry and You will be able to function again even with a much more powerful healing caliber out of You at this point watching the movie in the now. It carries a completely different meaning so I go outside of me and I synchronize with the world outside and the events of the last years that brought the most noticeable changes in the function of one another we all know not need to mention these two and if You don't feel it You will come with the one that You feel like brought a huge chaos to already an abstract reality of the now.

These all visits in Museums and exhibitions were my retreat from the European artworld even if many of the artists were from Europe as me but I think You know what I am talking about people dont travel to another continent because they are in need of something rather opposite to discover and to be free from something and to heal from what simply doesnt change and doesnt work in real life of one another.

His work was a manifestation of it in 2012 during that time it was also a manifestation for me to experience from another and in 2023 this work has a completely different meaning and arrival where I am not sure will be able to put it all through maybe will make a continuation or so let see how it goes.

So here I was again lucky to be able to believe art has its life and space to be and places like Mexico it just lives it. I was visiting many places in there with art but the one I attended in Museum Tamayo was beyond expectations also the fact that for the same ticket that was really cheap You could come back 3 more times or so. You avoid the stress the rush and You can just be in the work and experience it without taking care of anything else at least for the moment while You are in.

I just remember now the water the steps and a place outside the Museum where You could take some breaths the sun was there quite strong so such break could only last ten minutes or so.

I noticed people come and go entering the space of Johan work even My friend took His girl for a date and when I was sitting there He entered it and run away. Saying just fast Hi, We met when I was in the metro coming back from Museum and He was with Her sister just yesterday. He actually dated Her twin sister how come it all got so synchronized in the real-life experience of me being in there watching Double Take and Him entering the space with another twin? That was real I didn't take much importance into it but now when I am writing about it. Got me wondering They invited me for lunch after We all exited the Museum at the same moment it was our third meeting accidentally during the whole week so He had no choice We needed to drink together or eat. Joking cause We had a choice They were just fancy getting to know me and I was fancy getting to know them as We knew each other only from online life while I was still living in Poland. When We found a place I said to the girl that I had seen Her yesterday it is where I listened to the whole story of them and Him dating both twins. After watching Johan's work it wasn't such a surprise for me. I smiled at first but I was concerned more about How another felt about it. The girl the sister of the twin was trying to explain me and to be honest I preferred to listen to Her version first for obvious reasons. However suddenly He came back with orange juice and tea and said I need to explain myself, I actually didnt ask for it I just felt they feel the need to share their story with me just cause I was there and I was still a stranger. He said another twin was just no longer interested in Him and Her sister started to be so She called Him while another left Him and ask about a date ? - haha I know it was fast and funny and it worked out for them quite well. While talking to both of them I felt they are really synchronized with one another by characters and mentality.

The coincidence in meeting Him three times during the week while We never plan or met each other in real during my whole stay in there and that We crushed on each other also in Museum while I was watching Johan work and He dating the twin of a twin how incredible it was to experience.

Watching Double Take had so many different meaning for me in all the layers of life

Why in my memoir I used many different phases of describing it into One and rewriting differently about the same experience probably as my own experiment in writing or rather natural way of it and the mind processing the memory from many different spaces of mine and places from where I am recalling them it will always seem different the same in action but transformed and recalled from a different approach and arrival of the mind about it somehow this is how I would record the writing and made it a movie not as a copy to Johan but as my own discovery about human mind and synchronizing with the world I recalled. Things and writing comes naturally I dont plan I am just making it and it happens. If I can if I am limited which is the main reason of my whole previous poems and writings but what we go through is always so reach in depth of our body and mind information a part of our being and living even in the very of the now.

Recalling myself to bring back myself to bring back what was healthy in me

and what was strong enough to protect me from the chaos of another

In the movie there is another kind of layer where nothing else matter but the double whether We meet them occasionally, accidentaly, whether we approach to get to know them or not or whether its our own duality of worlds and mind in the virtual how far it arrive with some ? We carry so many worlds that the double of us are everywhere and nowhere.

But there is always this One person who is the real double of You

This is why Life gets a different meaning from that moment and no matter what You are doing or how Your are trying to run awa from it will sooner or later get You, You can not run from the Person.

When I was 7 -years old I went for a lake with my cousins and when I went out from the lake one guy came to me called me by another name and said hurry up we are already leaving. He even threw towel at me I watched Him and said I am sorry but You must be wrong I said my real name and showed Him my cousins and said I came with them. He said it's impossible there is a girl looking like me and have the same hair, face and even swimsuit, He asked my age and was called by the group of His Telling from far away: You have a twin alike for real She lives near the like. As my cousins were playing I came back to them but this story got storred in my head for years without an answer. Since I was little girl I felt connection to someone I couldnt explain and that could be the person for all my life I was imagining the girl look and voice.

That was when I was 7, when I was 19 years old it got even stronger in me and was arriving from the inside so when I for the first time saw movie by Kieslowski The Double Life of Véronique (1991)it got me like a grom through whole my being and as it was so close to me I felt it through I lived it and it was the best movie it wasnt easy but still the music by Zbigniew Preisner was also the main part for which I was coming back to it multiply times. The pain the connection Veronique experienced for Her double Her love for the music It was close to my being in here.

When I was 32 and I needed to heal myself on my own from endometriosis and tumor in the final way of may checking to find out that I healed it completely I had a meeting with psychologist for the first time and She told me that I had a twin brother and from there all my issues and connection with another arrived from into more deeper something that I will never get from them. It wasnt that much of a shock for me as I felt His presence and absence in me quite often and She told me I need to say goodbye to Him and then my relation with Boys (I found it funny to call it that way will better no I laugh cause even if she was right about the twin the rest is not what she knew actually) Thanks to that kind of possibility of connection I could and I sill can perceive things differently and without the need of understanding for me or for another but there are phases when the pain of it gets too much or it was before I haven't knew about the qigong. Since I get to know the way I was more than able to get to know much more and I still learn each day and read from it all.

The pain was even more stronger when She told me about it. I had no real time or space to digest it people with who I lived were not carrying empathy nor connection to their own being so sharing such thing was another drama.

I was trying to heal it I decided I will go through it and after some months I saw a video where I found out that the twin can be here just for a little for a while and that is fine that these days of Him in mother womb are also something incredible I was thinking about the connection of mine with Him and with my little cousin that was born when I was already 5 years old and as We lived together with more families at the very start of my being He was my little brother and a friend and We had that special connection together and I had that kind of connection with everyone in my path even with animals which I discovered later on.

Thanks to that connection my relation with another had a completely different world even if they were narcissist or another by behaviours.

I had a different approach and it worked.

I never could talk that much with my mother about it but through all my life I listened I was suppose to be a Dariusz a boy and there were so many problems when I was coming on Earth and.. that I remember the room the people I didnt like it I wanted to run away I felt already all the trauma from the whole generation inside of me unhealed as of my parents not healing themselves at all I felt this heaviness as of being so small already.

My mother only told me that everybody were telling Her that She will have twins because Her stomach is so big and I know She is not able to tell me this true in words and that is fine words can not be the answer to whole the life and things we go through but we can feel it without being told about it.

And the healing it can take lifetime but I dont focus on problems or issues but heal the whole analyzing digesting progressing in various ways of discovery in it all

And Yes I was helping myself as much as I could to explain life without the twin and why it is better this way at first it was worser as I was coming across on all kind of stories about twins that are together so sure after experiencing it and watching and listening I needed to heal and open heart even more.

Until I get to know some older adult twins and They started to talk about the twin being a completely different person from one another that this unity of mind and character was a complete absurd and they are two different kind of individuals one like an angel another like the devil

from that arrival the pain I felt and whole became a completely different in the healing process I focused on healing the wound inside of me again from it all instead to entirely feel the pain from not having one.

In the further practice things are arriving in completely different state that no words can even describe but only can be experienced and understood and read through practice so this is where I will end about it from that kind of way.

Just adding that when Your parents tell everyone in the family that the Boy is coming and there was me not a boy. I felt the pressure as of My Mother story and my uncle that I suppose to carry the same name as Him being a Boy. I felt like I am both through whole my childhood and school years I felt His presence inside of me and power. I also felt that I am trying to be who they wanted me to be even being a girl. So I never felt being a girl in my childhood but both once a girl once boy for my mum I was a different animal each day so I already was nourishing me with protection haha.

I even felt like I am tortured by Her and Him for not being a Boy my uncle He was always doing bad things to me as of that as a highly sensitive child I was experiencing so much from His side and from others bad souls.

Later I understood it is not only the outsider way how narcissists manipulate another but I really felt deep inside of me things they were not sharing with me truly.

Being in their presence I was entirely being disconnected from real true self

because they dont accept the real true self only the one they will create in their mind

so in this case You really do look for Yourself and do all to connect Yourself deeply to Yourself as its All in You ready to be the One !

I think for this reason and for the moment to heal this wound I called myself Darkos and If I am arriving with it in my writing this way means It is the last phase of healing it which feels like a another relief at least in this moment and saying goodbye to all the unhealthy information out of it that I lived with through all my being and childhood and adult state.

Another reason for my nickname was I love the life at night the Moon time

as it is so important to follow the Moon phases in Your daily being

I always felt strong connection with the Moon and stars on my healing journey and years before I knew about it all so thanks to that and practice We dont need to heal things and experiences of life from the social script or wordly human perspective in a physical way as that is what causes real physical reaction and disconnection in Your body so the only way is to heal it without a practice doing the practice through the whole of your being daily as something pretty natural when You arrive into One and then You progress more You will discover that It all does not matter that much while You are already Oneness and wholeness with all

It is the same if it goes about Your relation with another human on earth conflicts can not be made through words or solved also traumas can not be healed through words but they can be the arrival from where You are saying hello and goodbye and it may happen as if through Your lifetime You may need to heal from many different experiences of life multiply times not because You havent but as of unhealed people who will entirely bring back them into Your being at the same time all these triggeres are good injections for You as You always choose healing then You always get great gifts out of it even in the most narcissistic of environments.

Johan Grimonprez He knew what He does to another while making it

and why we come back to it finding new answers new solutions

While meeting Your other half the so called love twin things go into a completely different state

The only disconnection is possible once the connection was already in there and happened without the connection the person one or another will always attract or come back to each other like magnetic field or bad and good, light and dark, hope and no hope, but in this connection there is always Love that will make it possible to connect entirely no matter the phases and Life. It is a connection where One discover another always from the new because one does carry such inner world and curiosity love and beliefs in one another.

it's a shortcut to write about it all in this one story I havent even plan to write today and arrive where I did but somehow through healing sessions and practices it goes out by itself some are easy to be written some are not

that is why reader may encounter different version of the same article of mine reading it before and later on or never even reading and never coming back to it haha

I omitted all other aspects for now forgive me for that but it talks about something I needed to skip for now to be in the right something that I am more comfort to share and open and with the free moment first time for such a long time while writing.

And dont ask me to explain myself from this world and way of writing as it will damage who i am and what I expressed and created maybe its not a writing maybe its just sharing what is still in there left uncovered looking for the light to get out !

Feeling the freedom and lightness is only possible by healing ad digesting all kind of different experiences it is never this one moment or this one event or experience it is always a chain of them in the human information of Yours and another to be digested, experienced dived into and heal.

Each person have their own world and it is where writing becomes much better journey for this mind to flow it can be everything

and Okey

let's land into the Double Take of Johan Grimonperz from mind of creation instead from the viewer experience itself.

I wrote it before I wrote what You have just read above so it will have some comments of mine predicting what I have just written above :) a day before

as a real human being I let myself to not correct but to leave for the reader to experience it and maybe find yourself in contrast or in familiar way of a being

From Wikipedia :

Double Take is an essay film, directed by Johan Grimonprez and written by Tom McCarthy. The plot is set during the Cold War and combines both documentary and fictional elements. The protagonist is a fictionalised version of Alfred Hitchcock. The backdrop of the film charts the rise of the television in the domestic setting and with it, the ensuing commodification of fear during the cold war.[1]

Double Take is a Belgian-Dutch-German co-production and premiered in Europe at the 2009 Berlin Film Festival and in the U.S. at the 2010 Sundance film Festival.

The plot came from Jorge Luis Borghes story 25 august 1983 that will also answer why I was so into it being born this year and reading Borghes during that time of my life.

In the "Double Take" Alfred Hitchcock has a meeting with an older version of himself. He meets Him while taking a twelve minutes break during filming the Birds. The break is taken to answer the phone call from Universal studio building where He meets His doppelgänger which in fiction and mythology translates as an evil twin or a bad luck. It is even funny to read this twin stranger its a double living person looking exactly the same.

I already know my reason for the choice of this exact movie with the observations and experiences of this world that I gathered through Years and some other instinct.

In this situation The Young version of Alfred Hitchcock is in a complete fear and distrust to His older self alter ego.

Maybe I met my Younger self through that memoir and I just digested saying to it goodbye and welcoming again from the new !

We can be kind of playful about this thing especially in the writing !

I think it is where I will take a pause and let the both reader and viewer to experience it by themselves alone

And Yes I preferred to mention it in the very end that the plot is set during the Cold War.

For the moment of now I will leave it in here Double Take work of art that is more than just important to me and the whole history of humanity and the art community I guess I think so I hope so.

and the story goes again

Here it was opened and beautiful last time I was walking near it I was with a friend who never carred for art the way I do so I just remembered the water the steps and a place outside where You could take some breaths the sun was there quite strong so such break could only last ten minutes or so. Museum was huge entering the space each artist had so much space to present their work. It gave a great arrival of minds to dive in and still being connected with the work that You have just experienced before. I must admit both level of presented work and how it was curated and exhibited deserved a medal. When I entered the space where the Double Take was exhibited it was a room in the corner dark and small and I was happy that not many people are in there so I could experience and feel just by myself without being thrown away from it by talks. The room seemed perfect for it. You had a feeling like it is owning it and it kind of completely separated You from other works I have spent 3 hours in there to just digest what met me there. In the middle of the movie people start to come and go I was so deep into it that I had no problem anymore with other coming and going When the movie reached the end I was still there watching from the start as I thought I probably missed the beginning. For the same ticket I could enter the museum more times to be able to have time and go through all the work which I did but in the end I still was coming back to only That work which had some magnetic power over the interest of mine I had no idea if that was my insider world united with this movie or the experience and the feeling it was evoking inside of me fascination was in there for sure. When I was coming back home I was still continuing expressing myself in the very ways I did but this experience was the best gift I could get in my final stay in there.

but a completely different continuation and memoir is happening in the now of it and from it to be share in time and different space

Thank You for taking time to read it

It was a long marathon

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