~My Biography! Titled: Raped In!~

From the Book Titled: Raped In!

(Emotional Covert Incest, A Subject not Talked about Nearly Enough! And where Countries everywhere are to complacent to do anything about it and put in effective laws to help SAVE lives, help change things, and make things better, give people more opportunity and chances to have good lives, that all good human's are deserving of! And if they EVER DO FINALLY MAKE A LAW... I would like it to be called Jennifer's Law! In honor of the sacrifice and the price I've paid and my 2 children have paid, and the other children I NEVER HAD because of it! Spending my life living in it, (the disease that consumes happiness, and normalness in family life) where no justice ever took place. Where I was only able to write this book about it, to help set the precedent and standard of changes in the laws around families, not just domestic relationships between couples and their children that is multi-generational overdue that I PRAY writing this WILL finally Produce so others growing up in the world won't have to live through the same thing!)

~Chapter 1!

The First 50!~

My Mother was the first person to rape me, that’s all I understand about being 5. It took 150 to 200 people later to finally learn that I have slept with a lot of people for and because of her. There is no punishment that fits the crime. I was 5! It only got worse from there, She will never want to face, understand or admit to her own guilt. She’s exonerated herself of any guilt; there’s never been a crime!

I am supposed to be over it, I am supposed to know how to let go, move on and live. I remember what happened like it was only yesterday but what I don’t understand is why it happened and, I am supposed to be over that? I may very well spend the rest of my life scarred from that experience and she just wants me to be over it, over everything that has ever happened to me. Every boy, and then man and girl whose ever touched me who’s ever slept with me, whose ever paid for it, or just raped me for it. Every single one, I am just supposed to be over it.

Because she’s my Mommy and I love her and she was worth it? She may die never hearing those three words from me, and she will look at me with a blank stare waiting to hear those words and never understand why she doesn’t hear them BUT KNOWS to NEVER ASK WHY! Why? Because she’s guilty of the sin, guilty of the crime, guilty, and she’s won and in the silence between us she celebrates with glory. I have no way of escaping her till she dies; I have no way of retrieving my children and escaping her till she dies. She’s won and in the silence she celebrates that glory.

I am supposed to know that I am finished sleeping around, but I’m not, I will always be a prostitute, a hooker now, there will be one more, there is always one more it’s never finished there will never be enough times, it never ends. It was rape my very first time having sex and is rape for every single time after that. If I don’t tell my story she’s won, If I don’t tell ‘someone’ she again has one, if I don’t succeed in my dreams of landing my career as a writer, if I don’t succeed at anything she’s won because that’s all she’s ever wanted. To stop it, to stop me, at all costs at any cost it was all about stopping me, stopping me from ever being able to make it anywhere not just for part of my life, or some significant time in my life but my whole entire life she doesn’t wish to see me succeed at ANYTHING, anything but sex.

I am allowed to use sex and my age to make money it doesn’t matter who it’s with or how old they are, just do it, make the money ‘she’ wants it so ‘we’ ( yes this means her) can live free, so ‘we’ never have to work, and or never work hard as long as ‘we’ live. How do I stop her from winning, Please help me, how do I stop her from winning, I don’t really want her to win, there shouldn’t be a we, there is no we, this is my life, it’s my life she’s ruined and continues to destroy, my life doesn’t have anything to do with hers anymore, my life shouldn’t have anything to do with hers. Please help me stop the abuse; please help me stop it all together. What do I do now?

She wants me to pay her bills, all of them and all she wants me to do to pay all these bills are use ‘MY’ PRIVATE parts not her own, anyone’s but her own! What is therapy? Is there any such thing after all this, when you’re born for a life much bigger than the one you’re living how do you get there without the luggage, the baggage right there with you? Sure our mistakes and our frailties are part of what makes us who we are, sure there part of what helps us to build and chase those dreams of the real life that we want, but when the scars include someone you haven’t a way of cutting the umbilical cord with which constantly causes fresh wounds, new pain to the murky surfaces of one’s immediate life what do you do?

Like my beloved sisters and brothers of different color (luv em) for running free from white man, running through the wilderness running free from slavery, I too want to be FREE I want to live FREE, FREE from the slavery the slavery of my Mother and her PERFECT? love for me! I can’t break free, where am I supposed to turn to now, for the help I need to get across the border and away from the concentration of this Country and the mother that lives in it and everyone else whose hurt me here? I cannot in words tell you just how far away from here, wherever here is that I sit, work, write, live and breathe I want to be, from what’s happened to me growing up in my Country. I want to be ANYWHERE but here, anywhere but where I am, with and without my children.

I am a Mother but one that was forced to be one in a way the damage of living a life with children in it and children NOT with me I can never recover from, because of the NEW daily damage that she’s succeeded at passing down to them, passing it on to the next generation, maybe it’s not as bad as it was in my life but it’s still there and still bad and I can only sit and watch who they grow up to be in the grip of her care, living in the midst of her environment instead of being in the healthy environment of the Mother which bore them.

There are no words that can describe the conviction been given me because of crime done against me, I can’t cut away the skin on my body for the shame and filth that is always on it that is always there, the death of someone I wish for as the only punishment bearable for what I’ve been thru in my life, death that will never occur, until my own. It hurts.. that’s all I can say, is that it really, really, really, hurts. These letters, these pages, this diary are about, JUST THE FIRST 50… 50 times of lying on my back, 50 times of being sold, 50 times of being raped, 50 times where I died EVERY TIME!

I will always just be a prostitute! I may not know where to go in my life, where to turn or what to do, but when it comes to sex, money, and drugs, I will never NOT know what to do, I will never not know the answer, which way to go, and to do what needs to be done. There are rules to abide by, there are rules to follow, rules that are never spoken, rules that only true prostitutes learn and know, rules we never have to be told. There is a way we have to live with it, there is a way it is set in stone an order that even if it costs us our life that it has to be lived; a way in which it will always be done. I know these rules, and I know them well, never once was I told, never once did I have to be.

Many things may change in my life, many things may come and go, many things result in changing circumstances, but one thing will always be.. one thing certain, one thing will never change. I am just a prostitute, and I will always just be a prostitute till the day I die. Every boyfriend, every lover, every partner my future holds, or might have, I will always be one. Until the day I die I am only going to have one wish, I am only going to want one thing, and that is for it, FOR IT TO NOT BE TRUE! I am not a whore, a hooker, a prostitute or an escort. Till the day I die I will always want for this one thing about me, about my life, about the Mother and the family and Love that raised me, I will always want for this One thing to not be true.

Jennifer is not a prostitute.” I am not a hooker, a whore, a sex slave… till the day I die”!

One thing will never change, I’m Black, I’m as black as white can be and (I'm so black I'm white) LOL and that will never change in my life, inside my soul, inside what happened to me! I’m black till I die! No matter what colour my skin is on the outside. I’m black! I know my words these pages this work will never end the slavery, but for me for this one whore, hooker, prostitute, escort, sex trade worker, it might get me to a place in this world a place in my life where I might come to know and understand what it finally means to live FREE, to be FREE. “I’m FREE, FREE, FREE,FREE! Running through the forests of my mind, crossing the border to escape the punishment of the crimes convicted upon me, brought upon me by someone else's actions towards me, FREE from the Slavery! FREE, FREE, FREE!

I just want to be FREE, one day, someday, in some way, somehow out there; I just want to be FREE! Can you help me get there; can you help me reach FREE? And if not you, then who? The first 50 I used to almost know them all by name, back then I could have told you everything and it wasn’t to brag it was to show the trauma that could never be extinguished from my mind. Now years and years later there have been too many, I made the mistake of forgetting to count. I never realized just how important remembering would come to be. Now I can only give the names of the ones, who raped me, but I can describe to you in detail about the experiences I had with the ones whose names I don’t remember, those first 50 I will never forget, it was the beginning to the end of my life. I was just a young girl whose life was cut short over the adult I had to become if I was going to survive. Survive I did if you want to call what I’ve had to do in my life surviving; to just exist.

* * * * *

The first 50 continued….

The things I saw growing up involved in my Mom’s life were unreal. I don't know how to find the words to tell the stories about it, but I am going to do my best to try. What is that saying bad associations spoil the child? Well my mom was dubious for bad associations, and the con-current results that it had in my life has left me to wonder two things 1. How is it that I am still alive? and 2. How is it that I’ve still turned out to be what I’d like to believe is a good person? Because from any reasonable or logical standpoint of the things I had to live through, there is no rational reason why I am not spending my life behind bars: a hardened criminal, a sadistic abusive person.

I haven’t a reason in the world to forgive God, to believe in him, to love, but yet I found through my loyalty of reading the bible throughout this life I’ve led that it has somehow still saved me, or at least some part of me. I was born Jennifer Suzanne Norfolk, but who she was supposed to have turned out to be is something I will NEVER KNOW, because of all the trauma caused in her life it severely interrupted that girls WHOLE LIFE. Now I am a 38 yr old woman (at the time I wrote the original words here) who goes by a different last name and realize that I am just HALF a PERSON, because my former self never got to finish LIVING before she died and became who I am today. Same body, but a shared brain resulting in almost an entirely different person because of all those experiences suffered in her life. I have just simply learned how to live HALF ALIVE!

I’m stuck between people, I’m neither me or her, an incomplete whole because of the hole that lives in me from losing my right to freedom, to achieving higher education, and success because of the game my Mother insisted on taking to the bitter end respecting me. Nobody ever believed me, nobody ever did anything to make it stop, nobody ever did anything to help me. The system is so cruel here in Canada that it even went so far as to AWARD her with BOTH my kids for what she did to my life.

And I stand marred and aghast wondering just HOW could it be that a place could be filled with such evil that would in turn see my Mother as a pleasant and good person deserving of all the trimmings? When how cruel and sadistic she is, can be seen as plain as day with the state of condition the house my children grow up in is? As well as her demeanor, her behaviour, the way she sits, how she talks and what she says, constantly rot with 2nd thoughts in her head, that carefully picks words to say to people without saying what’s truly in her head!

I’ve never seen Hollywood, or Nashville, or Australia and the other places I would have liked to have been to or lived in by now. But because of this game she’s played so well for so long, I am stuck in a PRISON, a country known to others as Canada but to me it’s just a really big fenced in concentration camp. With my children in her care, and my constantly having to go back to the very abuser that started the LONG LIFE I’ve had to endure to date, how do I live anywhere long enough to work enough to have the funds I need to get to those other places; the places my talents and skills should have been rewarded with long ago?

I don’t know if I am supposed to write about each event in order or just write what comes to mind: free association as I deal with the loneliness I bear from all the laughter, or the sound of tears from my children running through the house or between my legs while I am trying to cook that isn’t there? Or the board games and the trips to the zoo, flying kites and going on picnics. LIFE all the things that Parents are supposed to do with their children, all the things we want to do with our children, the very reasons we have them? I will DIE in my life never knowing these joys! All I can do is dream or fantasize about sitting at the dinner table or cuddling up in front of the t.v. together and what that would have been like?

I have to live with knowing my children are going to grow up IN-COMPLETE people also… because of all the love from their Mother they ARE being denied. They will not turn out to be the children I would have raised them to be, because it’s not ME doing the job full-time. My Mother likes to deny them things. She buys material things but then takes away from them in other ways like that physical affection I mentioned, neither get it! My oldest has slept for years on a bed that remains UN-MADE. Something I would have done for her regularly in a house of our own.

I just spent 1 month of my life without any sheets on my bed, to just be able to relate to my daughter (a FRACTION) over the conditions she’s lived in. I hated every minute of it, it was terrible, AWFULLY uncomfortable, without sheets where you sleep doesn’t feel like your bed. The care that has gone missing from such a simple act as having no sheets on your bed and yet my daughter has slept this way not for a day or two or a week but years. My Mother says to them Your Mother used to put sheets on your bed. Then she says to them I am NOT YOUR MOTHER, as a constant reminder to them both of the things she will NEVER DO FOR THEM. A sadistic, cruel yet effective way of letting them know who’s the boss, SHE IS!

Thank-you for reading what was a very hard chapter to write in order to get this memoir started!

* * * * *

The journey of writing this memoir has no doubt been lifelong for me, but I’m afraid for the sake of the word count around this chapter being submitted on Vocal and into a contest through the new Chapter Group that I’m going to have to end things a little short of what I really would have liked to share! But I would like to just point out and encourage everyone who reads the pages of this memoir as I continue to write it and add material here that you needn’t go far to really find the rest of the book and understand the whole story. All you have to do is journey through my Vocal Page and find the hundreds of other individual items I’ve shared there.

This will definitely keep readers busy while I work on finishing the Chapter portions of the book, here through my Vocal account! The advantage you have is that clearly not everything you read here of mine on Vocal will actually be in the final draft of what will get published one day in the not so distant future! So right now everyone can have a great time, and brag a bit about having had this extra bit of private quality time with me in getting to know me by coming along my journey as I tell the story in this book now, with all of you having FREE access to all that xtra material! Material the rest of the world of book lovers and readers will of course one day have to pay for in order to get their hands on and read it all!

So I will just close this chapter of my journey with a bit of information about relationship rights for everyone’s benefit in order to help people out there in the world living their own lives. I hope what I share about Emotional Covert Incest and Relationship Rights at the very least will be good information you can share with others important to your lives, people that matter to you and or just people in general around your work or community that you know SHOULD have this kind of helpful information in life! If I just help to improve one person's life for sharing my story and this information, then it will indeed be worth it!

After that you will find pieces of my poetic work to close this point in my storytelling journey, (a few of them are available as links already posted here on my Vocal account) the others are shared here directly as part of this story. Which helps launch me into the next chapter ahead and what is to come! That chapter will be a doozie you really don’t want to miss, that’s what I’m going to say!

* * * * *

Relationship Rights!

This refers to every kind.. Intergenerational abuse in the family.. Same Sex abuse, sometimes it's Mom!

~R&R Relationship Rights!~

A healthy relationship means that both people involved are equals. Both should treat each other with respect. Your partner should:

1. Value and respect your rights

2. Allow you to feel safe around them

3. Talk honestly and openly to help sort out any conflicts

4. Be able to negotiate and compromise

5. Accept when you change your mind or opinion

6. Understand and accept when you say “No”

7. Let you feel good about yourself

*What is Violence?

Controlled, manipulated, or possessive behavior can be confused with love. BUT IT IS NOT LOVE.

Violence occurs when someone uses power or control to make someone else feel hurt, scared, or humiliated. In a relationship, there can be a pattern of behavior that is used to get someone to do what another person wants.

*Safety

Being safe is the most important thing to remember. Making a safety plan involves identifying actions that you can do to optimize your safety.

Tell someone you trust (family/closest friend)

Tell the police or your school counselor

Surround yourself with people who make you feel safe

Write incidents down so you have a record

Try to avoid situations that could turn out badly

*Relationship Violence (different types of abuse)

Physical Abuse

Pushing, kicking, punching choking, shoving, hitting, beating, physical abuse with a weapon, torture

Emotional/Verbal Abuse

Insults, harassment, put downs, threats

Isolating you from your family or friends

Abusive language or yelling

Excessive jealousy

*Sexual abuse

Forcing you to have sex

demanding or tricking you into doing sexual acts

having sex with you when you were sleeping, unconscious, or not aware of what they were doing

anything that compromises your sexual integrity

criticizing body parts

*Social Abuse

Making you do everything with him/her

not letting you choose your own friends

Controlling your habits i.e. clothing/social outings

*Financial Abuse

Controlling all your money

Stopping you from getting a job

Forcing you to do things for money

Selling your things without permission

Not allowing you to work

*Cycle of violence

If you are in a violent relationship, you may notice that things tend to happen in a certain way. Violent relationships can be very confusing, but there is usually a pattern to an abuser’s actions.

Build up – this is when things are most tense. You can almost sense the stress without any conversation.

Explosion – this is the most dangerous time in a relationship. This is when the violence or threat happens.

Remorse – this is when your partner is most likely to apologize for their behavior. They may give you gifts or try to make up for their behavior towards you. Sometimes the abuser may blame what happened on you.

The Honeymoon Period – this is when things seem better than they have been in a long time. This may lead you to think that the abuser has changed and will never abuse you or be violent again. In most cases, this is not true. The cycle will start again; it’s only a matter of when.

`Poetry to end with as promised!'

1. ~Rape~

(Letting Go)

Remembering each time

Remembering each fight,

Every ‘touch’ felt like

Being stabbed with a knife

Remembering the laughter

Of those who stood by

The doorway wall

‘Watching”

Watching this all?

Remembering when you were

Being held down tight,

Each one taking turns

With your life;

Feeling so helpless

As you lie there through it all,

Thinking and feeling

That it will never go away,

Never again will you

Feel…

The same way!

They’ve taken your innocents

And thrown it all away,

Leaving just horrors

Lying in the way,

It’s not fair… It’s not right

As you watch them ‘walk’ away

‘Scarless’ from it all,

It’s nothing but another ‘Score’

For their wall!

It’s not fair… It’s not right,

‘Oh how it would be so nice

To see them fall

And make them feel

Just ‘ONCE’

What ‘WE’ felt

Through it all!

2.~Night after Night!~

Sleep by day

Streets by night,

What a drive by sight

A courageous fight?

Doing it

Night after night.

Jewels

Fine hair,

Furs

Fine wear,

Catch

Their prey

God job,

Well done?

Take money

Walk away,

Nothing to say for some

What happens to their bodies

Doesn’t matter anymore anyway?

Nothing anyone can say

It’s just their way

Till (for some)

Their dying day.

Sleep by day

Streets by night

What a drive by site,

A courageous fight?

To be doing it

Night After Night!

PLEASE click on the following links and read these 2 other pieces, the ending of this chapter wouldn't be right any other way! Thank-You!

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End of Chapter 1!

From the book Titled: Raped In!

Writing by,

Jennifer Cooley!

* * * * *

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