Mobility Madness

The first time I heard degenrative disc disease I had no clue what it would entail. Medically it is a weakness in the cushion between the vertibrae of your spine,that causes them to slip to one side and become trapped,making them bulge,this then causes the signals to your brain to become intensensified and for your mobility to become limited due to pain. Personally though it was a complete change, I worked as a chef and did sixty plus hour weeks,trained to be a restaurant manager too and loved what I did, in the space of 48 hours that all changed,a twist in an awkward position unloading stock and the next thing I knew I was in hospital unable to move my legs without feeling excruciating pain.

Even worse I wasn't able to to relieve myself without having someone help me to lift or clean myself after. I was 27. An MRI later and i'm admitted to hospital and kept horizontal,a catheter put in and a commode beside the bed whilst pain killers are issued through an I.v along with anti inflammatories, my now husband beside me stressing while drs explained that I was having an episode due to a lack of density in the fluid discs between my spine, for three weeks I had daily physio to help reduce the pain and strain levels alongside a cocktail of opiods just so I could sit up to feed myself instead of the liquid diet I'd had up until that point. It was a long drawn out process but as painful as it was all I was told was that it didn't warrant surgery as such because they didn't feel it had depleted enough to need to be pinned. That's where the cycle began, episodes,drugs,physio and recovery, now at 43 i'm still in that cycle except now its both ends of my spine that's gradually fading away in to nothingness and restricting a life fully lived,rather than just eeking out an existence where you become a burden on others and one by one they leave you behind.

Simple actions like getting up in the morning become an uphill battle. Very soon you have to learn your constraints,what your body will let you get away with and what it won't. One day you may find that you can get up with a minimum amount of pain, put something comfy on and be able to use the stairlift to go down stairs and sit in the living room, other days,like today,you can't even roll to the side of the bed unaided.

There are lot of different illnesses that rob you of life and of dignity,some you see and some you don't. The one thing they all have in common, the shame, the guilt and the fear.

One day you are slinging your weight around,moving,lifting and carrying whatever you need to,getting things done, the next you have someone doing that for you,lifting your foot to put a sock on you or a shoe. The world around you becomes very small,especially if you don't drive. Gradually you become the person that gets flaked on without guilt because lets face it, you don't have any other plans do you? You want be going anywhere or making plans with any else. No one questions the damage that this does to a persons well being at all, they just assume it won't be a big deal,don't understand that you then find yourself questioning the merit of your own existence and what you may have to offer the world or not. When the world begins to pass you by you then shut down from the world, you no longer reach out to your "friends and family" because you are the reason that their lives are full of drama,because there is always some new drama or medical issue going on with you. You get tarred with the brush of lazy because you hide everything when you are struggling and only allow the one closest to you to hear your screams of pain and watch your tears. People that live with degenerative and chronic issues are terminal,but for some reason that word only seems to carry any weight when it's followed by cancer, they don't realise that we are just taking longer to die,having symptoms managed with no hope of treatment or remission,each of us travels at a different pace and succumbs when the brain finally quits and shuts the organs down or the spine finally collapses and leaves you paralysed or in a vegetative state. Something as simple as taking a walk with an escort one day, could be the very reason why you end up in a hospital bed the next day