Maggie Goes Into Town

Today was the day that Maggie would stop moping around the cottage, she’d told herself. She’s also told herself that yesterday and the day before. But yesterday the clouds looked a little concerning and it was hard to predict what they might do while she was out so she decided to play it safe and stay home. Again. And the day before her leg was acting up and she was concerned that she might get tired while she was out and didn’t want to risk that.

But today was different.

She slipped on a pair of loose sweatpants pants and plain t-shirt. The air felt warm as it breezed into her bedroom and she thought for moment that maybe shorts would be more practical, but she wasn’t ready to her legs just yet; even to strangers.

What if the wind changes and it gets chilly? She thought, and then grabbed a sweatshirt to tie around her waist, just in case. What if it rains? What if it gets hotter? Better wear a hat.

As she patted her pockets down and checked her purse, she realized that she’d prepared for every weather scenario but didn’t actually plan where she’d be going. She had told herself that she’d wander into town and that was as far as she’d gotten into the process. She didn’t really need anything, but she figured that when her groceries ran out and she got sick of delivery, she’d need to venture in to get groceries and she’d rather practice the trip without any purpose first before needing to go.

Then there was the transportation issue. Her bandaged leg was still too stiff and sore to allow for a long walk or even bike ride. Rhiannon had told her that she walks into town all the time and it’s only about ten minutes. Which would normally be nothing for Maggie but she had to consider her body now, in it’s post-injury state. The obvious solution would be to drive. But anytime she’d gotten into the driver’s seat since the accident, her heart raced and her palms get sweaty, and she heeded that warning to get out before a full panic attack set in. She figured she could do that again if she needed. She would give herself that permission. But today she really wanted to try.

She adjusted her ball cap to shield her eyes before opening her bedroom door. She knew there’d be a chance that she would see the construction foreman on her way out and wanted an excuse to not look him in the eyes. But I will be friendly, she thought to herself, embracing this change of course today. I might even smile politely at him and say hi.

She saw his backside first, her heart fluttered at the sight of the stained white work shirt stretched over his pronounced back muscles pushed out by his hunch position as he wrote on the kitchen island. She couldn’t help it as her eyes wander down to the distressed outline of something in his back pocket - a phone? A wallet? Measuring tape? Maggie became suddenly aware at how long she’d been staring and rip her gaze away before she could figure out what was stuffed in his jeans.

He hadn’t noticed her yet. Yesterday she might’ve been grateful for the opportunity to slip by unnoticed. But today, this new found courage was in the driver’s seat and she decided to greet him.

“Good morning!” She chirped, causing him to spin around, eyes wide in surprise. He gaped for a moment, and she flashed a small smile and wave to fill the silent beat. “Hi” she greeted again, almost to communicate “yes, you aren’t imagining me; I speak sometimes.”

“Uh… hi,” he croaked out, shaking his head in disbelief. And then he chuckled lightly. “Um, it’s well into the afternoon, darling.”

“I know, but I haven’t said good morning to you yet.” She explained, the lightness in her voice surprising herself. She realized that she had delayed leaving her room for so long that the guys would be far along in the work for the day, but she’d wanted to hide away until after their lunch break until she had convinced herself to get ready to go.

His smile warmed her chest, his eyes sparkled with humour. “Well alright then. Good morning to you. Are you heading out?” He gestured to her purse as he asked.

“Yep,” she answered, trying to keep her tone cool and even, despite her bursting at the seams to jump and scream that this is a huge moment in defeating her new and unwelcome agoraphobia. “Just a quick trip into town. I’ll be back soon.”

“Alright, see you later,” he tipped his head in a gesture of goodbye and she responded in kind with another shy wave before her turned his back again to continue what he working on.

You can do this, she chanted to herself, you are strong and capable, her internal voice mimicked the tone of a guided meditation, you can handle whatever comes happens. And most importantly, you can drive a car a few kilometres up the road, dummy. The last part sounded less like a meditation guru and back to her own voice again.

The affirmations continued all the way until she was the car door. She confidently reached for the door handle and jolted when it didn’t open. Right, unlock it first. She tried not to let that first failure get her down, she hadn’t forgotten how to operate a vehicle, she was just distracted by her excitement. It would be endearing if the bubbling trepidation hadn’t started in her belly the second she’d set eyes on the vehicle.

Her belly methodically expanding and retracted with slow, steady deep breaths as she fumbled with the key fob unlock button, pulled the door handle to successfully open the door this time and then sat herself in the driver’s seat, gently closing the door behind her. She closed her eyes for one more deep inhale. She did it.

“I did it!” She screamed victoriously, clasping her hands over her mouth and smiling into them. “I’m in the car!” She pulled her phone out of her purse and pulled up Rhiannon’s name, finger hovering on the call button to share the exciting news. She hesitated, decided she didn’t want to burden her older sister. She backed out of that screen and went to Tanis instead, again hovering on the call button. The reminded herself that she was processing the same event and she didn’t know if sharing a triumph would help or harm her friend’s progress. Ultimately she decided she didn’t want to find out, and slipped her phone back into her bag. This can just be for me.

The next step is to start the car. Maggie thought briefly that maybe this was enough for today. To enjoy this triumph and try the next step tomorrow. But confidence radiated throughout her urging her forward, saying “you can do this.” That, and she couldn’t return to the house for the foreman to witness her failure. He had no idea what she was going through, or anything about her really. But she couldn’t help but feel like he believed in her. Maybe she was making that up, or misreading the twinkle in his eye whenever he sees her do anything other than mope around the house all day.

She confidently slide the key into the ignition, like she’d done a thousand times in her life. Relief washed over her and she paused a moment to sit with that feeling, reassuring herself that the walk to the car and getting into it would be the hardest part and everything after is easy. As the bubbling in her stomach faded away, she began to believe it. Okay, but that doesn’t mean to rush anything. Still have time to go slow. But the excitement grew in her and she began mentally reviewing all the shops in town that she had driven past on the first trip here. She visualized the storefronts that had caught her eye as a future browsing destination. In the small tourist town, mainstreet was littered with gift stores, artisan shops with stain glass featured in the windows, clothing boutiques and book stores. All of which were calling her name, and she was eager to peruse their selection and chat with the clerks, maybe befriend some locals. It was clear why Rhiannon had invited her here in the first place, this town was just want Maggie needed.

And she was finally ready to explore it.

She braced herself for the turnover of the engine to scare her but was again relieved to find that when she turned the key, she didn’t even flinch. She was ready.

Without another thought, she put the car in reverse and began backing up slowly. It didn’t feel forced or like she had to talk herself through it, and she could almost smell the cinnamon buns that she’d been promised at Norm’s Bakery.

Her head turned to check her view on the other side. All clear. When she turned back again her eyes fell on a large, dark figure.

The scream that ripped out of her was so piercing that it made her own ears ring. It was couldn’t be contained by the walls of the car and rang out loud enough to frighten the figure away.

Her eyes watched it scurry away into the trees, but the rest of her body felt its presence grow closer and closer, looming over her until it enveloped the whole car with her in it. Her chest tightened and her screams escalated as she thrashed in seat, trying to fight away the threat. Her stomach dropped as the wheels of the car slowly rolled along the gravel and she came to just long enough to realize that in her panic she’d lifted her foot off the brake and she slammed it down hard enough that she lurched forward, despite the slow speed.

She heaved several deep, laboured breaths followed by several quick, short ones. It took several moments to realize that she was not really breathing, but rather her lungs were demanding air, attempting and failing to circulating oxygen to the rest of her body. It was the sudden dizzy feeling that shocked her all the way back to reality and gripped the steering wheel in an attempt to connect back to the real world. She cried out when the vehicle started rolling backwards again and she once again slammed her foot down, earning a wince from her at the pain it caused.

I am driving a car. That means I can make the car move. I need to stop it from moving. “How the fuck do I do that?!” She screamed into the dashboard, waiting for the car to magically understand what needed to happen and put itself in park.

Park. I need to change the gears to put the car in park so it stops moving. She was suddenly fifteen again, reading the drivers manual and repeating what her mom had told her when she first started practicing in their minivan. Her chest stopped long enough for blood to flow to her brain so she could remember to look down at the gearshift and find the P. Once she located it, she jerked the shift into place so that the P illuminated, signalling to her that the car would not randomly start moving again.

It took several minutes in the eery silence that followed to calm her nervous system enough so she could figure out next steps.When she finally settled back into her body, she placed her hand over her heart and closed her eyes to calm herself. She took a few deep breaths just like Dr. Anderson had instructed her. After several deep breaths she felt herself calm enough to move again, but not enough to try again.

She cautiously opened her eyes, directing her gaze carefully so she could only see the interior of the car. She looked looked for five things that she could see and named them out loud. “Steering wheel. Gear shift. Speedometer. Clock. Passenger seat.” Deep breath, you’re okay.

Then she lifted her shaking hands to find things to touch. She pushed her finger into the radio preset button and soft rock music filled the air. Then she pressed down on the window switch and jumped slightly at the sound of the quick squeak when the window begin moving down. You’re okay. Deep breath. She began to press her foot down on the brake pedal when she realized how sore her calf and shin had become from already forcing it down. Okay, so do this one backwards feel it come up as you lift your foot. She looked at gear shift again to confirm that the car was in park before doing so. How many is that now? Three? Need one more. She found the drawstring of her pants and tied and untied it over and over.

With the window still cracked, she made a mental log of the three things that she could hear; birds chirping in the trees, the grounding sound of gravel under the tires of a truck passing by, and the distant laughter of come of the contractors.

When she dared herself to lift her gaze up to look through the windshield, she’d suddenly wondered if any of the contractors had seen her. Her throat constricted and her face flushed at the thought it. She’d been working so hard to control how they would perceive her, she couldn’t bare the idea of anyone seeing her. When she tried to play back the episode, she couldn’t even conceptualize how it would’ve looked to someone watching. She briefly let her mind wander to the idea that they had seen it and that they were currently laughing and joking at her expense. They wouldn’t do that, idiot. No one would do that. She impatiently reminded herself.

Relief washed over her as she looked around and got the concrete proof that they’re working on the back of the house and none of them anywhere near a window that overlooked the driveway.

Her face grew warm again as she let that though wander, failing to catch it like Dr Anderson had told her. And she realized that the aftershock was now coming on. Rhiannon had once said that it’s the panic attack triggered by the frustration of the first panic attack; or rather, the reality that you are now someone who gets panic attacks. Whatever it was called, she knew she needed to get to somewhere more private so she could allow herself to let it all out.

She yanked the keys out of the ignition, grabbed her purse and rushed out of the car. She pulled on her suddenly too-tight collar and slammed the driver door without noticing that the window was still open. Her shaky legs struggled to keep up with speed that she was demanding of them and she cursed as she nearly tripped a few too many times. She kept her head down, focusing hard to tame the stinging her eye. Even though the crew wouldn’t be anywhere near the front entrance, sometimes they wander. Especially that cocky foreman.

“Wow, that was a quick trip!” He joked, right on cue. She felt herself flush even more as the initial scare of his voice, and then embarrassment of how hard she jumped, and then anger at him for perceiving her existence at all. His smile dropped as the sound of the slamming front door filled large space.

She huffed breath in response, and stormed into her bedroom. In another life, old Maggie would've joked back at him. On any other day, she might’ve felt guilty at his shocked reaction, and his beautiful face contorting with hurt. But today’s events sent her into survival mode and she could only consider her own inner world. She slammed the bedroom door behind her just in time before the levee holding back her tears broke.

***

She woke up to a dark room, eyes blinking in confusion. The moonlight shining through her window seemed to highlight the evidence of the outfit that she had so carefully planned earlier, now strewn all over the room. The torn t-shirt that she had ripped off her body in a silent rage. Her pants were twisted up with her socks on the floor, reminding her of how frustrated she’d gotten when she inadvertently yanked on her bandaged skin while ripping them off, causing a ripple of pain searing up and down her leg. Hot tears had blurred her vision so she hadn’t been able to see that the sweatshirt had attached itself to her pants drawstring, and had come down with the pants and had somehow managed to tangle around her ankles, making it impossible to pull her feet free. So she’d kicked ferociously until she fell over onto the bed in an awkward tumble, bumping her elbow on the bedpost, causing more anger than pain.

Once she’d managed to be free of her clothing prison, she climbed under the comforter, pulling it over her head and screamed into a pillow, bringing on a few more shuddering sobs through her body before she passed out.

She’d try again tomorrow. Or maybe she wouldn’t. She had no idea how she could look the foreman in the eye again. Her heart tore into a million pieces when she realizes that that is the only thing she wanted to do.