Love Unveiled

Did you feel flustered? So unexpectedly...

Did you believe you had control? I thought so...

Was time frozen? I found myself wondering...

Was the world quieter in that moment? It felt so...

…I felt my legs go numb. I do not remember much, but the sensation of numbness lingered. I tried to regain control, but my legs remained unresponsive. There was nothing else I could do, feel, or think. My mind fixated on my legs — what a strange feeling! The more I tried to figure out what caused it, the more consious I became of it, and the more numb I felt. I am not sure if I even liked this sensation; it was unsettling, not having control and being dependent on something, or maybe better — someone else. It was the most beautifully terrifying experience I have ever had. And there was nothing I could do about it; it was beyond my control — a control I thought I had until that moment. My heart raced, and thoughts flooded my mind, but all I could do was to feel to my soul tearing up while being frozen — immotile!

"Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence." — H.L. Mencken

My mind raced ten years ahead…What could this be? The thought struck me, and I immediately felt foolish. How could I think such a thing when I do not even know her? Not her laugh, her scent, her favorite drink, her words, her aura — nothing at all! "What a fool" I muttered to myself. And just as I was drowning in my own ridiculous thoughts — at that exact moment— she looked at me; and my mind dived into the abyss. I stumbled. My “broken” English shattered further. I nearly forgot my own name. I wish I could have seen myself then. How would I have reacted? Would I have thought that this guy had just fallen in love? That he was intimidated? Or… just an idiot? Unfortunately, I am afraid I already know the answer.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable." — C.S. Lewis

The next day, I woke up. I did not have much money, but it did not matter. I felt alive, even though nothing had truly happened. My mind was spinning, unable to let go of a single, overwhelming thought — it was not just me; she “saw” me too! I felt as driven as anyone could be — or at least, as much as my fearless young mind allowed — and nothing could stop me. Without thinking, I rushed to the store and bought a few new plates, some normal cutlery, two fancy glasses, and even a fresh pair of jeans with a T-shirt I convinced myself suited me well. "What a motivated individual", I mused. But why now? Why buy things I had neglected for years? I paused. I needed to think. Who was I afraid to disappoint — Myself or Her? At the time, I never figured out the answer. I never stopped to question who all this was really for; but now, after all these years, I know. It is hard to see it in the moment. But poor you — everyone has been through this. And everyone will!

"Pleasure is the flower that passes; remembrance, the lasting perfume." — Jean de Boufflers

…and just as I thought I would forget — move on and follow my own rythms as I always have — it caught me off guard. I still remember her shirt — a simple shirt with nothing remarkable about it — other than, it was simply hers. I remember details of it; it annoys me to a degree that I get angry with myself. “Why would I remember this? Why would that get stuck in my mind? Why do I hold onto this detail that makes forgetting impossible — forgetting her, her mannerisms, her smile, her scent?”. The more I tried the more deeply it became imprinted in my mind; and then one day I just stopped. I stopped trying to forget and instead held it close to my heart — a memory, a moment, a glimpse of that shirt. The one that brings everything about her, rushing back. Everything that needs to be remembered. Everything that reminds me of a part of my existence that I once truly lived.

"Memories are the key not to the past, but to the future." — Corrie Ten Boom

Did you still remember? So unexpectedly...

Did you think it would be that easy? I thought so...

Was it just in me, or did silence touch everything? I found myself wondering...

Will it feel the same when you let go? It felt so...